Brother’s wedding help!

[WeddingDilemma2]

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

@Angelil not everyone hates weddings. I don’t think it’s necessarily normal for a husband/partner to be relieved he has an ‘out’. (Obviously in Mumsnet everyone hates weddings, bride and grooms are selfish pricks for wanting to pay for people to celebrate their union)

Plenty of people enjoy getting dressed up and going to party for a few hours in a nice place, with nice food and wine and music.

And there’s such an easy solution here, but the bride and groom are being dicks about it.

Which you are insisting on saying in such a sneery tone of voice.

For what it's worth my decision not to bother with expressing etc for DC2 was not about wanting to be with her all the time (not that there is anything to sneer at in that) but because I absolutely couldn't be arsed with the faff of it. By 5 months I could easily pop off for a couple of hours anyway, without having weeks of hassle and expense.

It's a ludicrous expectation for anyone to go through all of that when the only benefit at all is to satisfy the whims of this couple.

I don't think it really makes a difference what the venue is tbh. They don't want kids at the wedding. If you think for a second a toddler isn't going to kick up a huge fuss when they hear a party going on outside that they've been told they aren't allowed go to..... 😂😂😂 What if its an exceptionally sunny day and the child is expected to sit inside a house all day!? On paper it might be a good idea but there's no way in hell the OP can guarantee the B&G that their child won't emerge into the wedding party at some stage. Its bound to happen!

OP’s brother and his fiancé are having the wedding at OP’s parents’ house. It seems extremely weird that they are saying no to their nieces/nephews joining the wedding. I think OP’s parents should step in: either OP’s children (their grandchildren) are invited or the free/cheap venue will no longer be available.

I bet future SIL is jealous of the young children. They might take the attention from the bridezilla.

We've known a few people who wanted a child free wedding so we just didn't go. Mind you I would have felt differently if it was my brother's wedding. However if the couple refuse to compromise it doesn't leave many options. And with regards to pumping I had to do that when DS was two weeks old and I was in hospital. It was like hell on Earth and he refused the bottle anyway.

I can think of only one wedding I've been to which was childfree - all the others have welcomed children.
I don't know what you mean by 'turn it into a creche' - some couples have ensured the children are catered for so have entertainment and more child friendly tables/food. I think that's nice.
Parents are usually pretty used to looking after their children and I presume if they've brought them to a wedding they are happy to do so.
Guests do often talk about their children, I don't think that's unique to weddings and I don't think would happen more if the children are there.

Of course it's absolutely the choice of the bridge and groom but it sounds like your judgement is based on having attended some pretty miserable weddings.

I have never been to a child free wedding. My cousins had childfree weddings on weekdays about 5 hours from where we lived when I had small children. So we didn't go.
I can't believe that ops parents would go along with the child free scheme. A wedding reception in a family garden is surely a family occasion. The most recent wedding in our family included a couple of elderly relations who needed a lot of support. Will elderly people be next to be banned?

Indeed. That sub-theme of posts has turned into a huge me-rail, entailing a lot of projection which has then become personal.

This is the point at which a thread ceases to be about the OP. It then becomes about PPs who apparently see the world as very much all about them, to the extent they can't see beyond that to someone else's (different) circumstances.

It's not uncommon on this site, but it IS incredibly tedious for other readers to have to wade through these pointless exchanges to get to the substance of the thread.

Such posters really do need to start their own threads.

@SerafinasGoose 👏

I would be mortified if someone changed how they fed their baby and went through stress just to accommodate me on my wedding day. No way should anyone have to do that. And I say that as someone who didn’t/couldn’t breastfeed.

Personally I wouldn’t go.
In my mind weddings are family occasions and if family members are excluded or not invited then sorry it’s not for me.
Keeping a toddler confined in their grandparents home when presumably they would be allowed in the garden and there is a party in the garden is unfair and borderline cruel to the child.
JMHO

We didn’t have kids at our wedding but my SIL (husband’s brother’s wife) had just had a baby and they had a toddler, so of course they came. I didn’t think not to have them!

You can’t just leave a breastfed baby; they survive off milk and your boobs would be very uncomfortable.

I had a child-free wedding when my youngest was 6 months old (fully breastfed and bottle-refuser). I asked is my baby could come and the bride said no. I left her and the 3 year old with his childminder (our families don’t look after the kids). When we arrived, there were kids there! It was a long day with the boob pain and we got home 7pm. The marriage only lasted a year!

I think if you have a baby-free wedding, you have to expect that people with babies can’t come.

this absolutely. I have been on the receiving end of "children coming in for just a minute" at an adults only event.

The marriage only lasted a year!

@Kaiserchief yes the marriage defo only lasted a year because the bride said you couldn't bring your kids. And did the groom not have a say in it?

If it were me, I would go to the wedding only; stay for pics, and then depart, leaving the reception. I would not have the baby or toddler at the parents house, and obviously I'd be there as little as possible.

I forgot to say, that Id leave the toddler and baby with DH, who could look after them for a short while for the wedding.
I have not read the entire thread, so not sure how far away the venue is, but would have DH and kids elsewhere, for the short duration of the wedding.

I agree with those who have said that if your little ones are in the house, your brother and SIL are probably thinking they’ll end up at the wedding at some point. I can’t imagine most toddlers being settled when they can clearly hear/see/sense that something exciting is going on outside and all their family are there. I’d just respect their wishes or not go. They aren’t bending at all for your breastfeeding, still young baby who is their niece/nephew so I don’t think it’s that offensive to not bend for them. If they get arsey about this, they are being a bit unfair in my opinion. Rule 1 of weddings: Have whatever rules you like but don’t complain when guests decline.

They're being unreasonable of course . To exclude the children of their sister in the parent's home is totally mean

I wasn’t saying that, just saying it was a massive faff and after all that they didn’t even stay married. She controlled everything, don’t think he had much say in any of it. She was always horrible about children. He was nicer 😂 He was the friend, not her.

I do understand child free weddings but not in families where siblings are close. My db would never have excluded my dc and it’s so hard to leave small dc for a whole day it would only have been my mum I’d have trusted. I’d be really annoyed and honestly respect their wishes and not go.

This is awful! I was only planning on having my own and a select few family members kids but since we booked we have had friends have babies and get some pregnant. I’ve made them completely welcome as some are breastfed. We will even be letting them into our accommodation to rest or feed if they would like to. I wouldn’t go personally as I was attached to my daughter when I was breast feeding her 😭

Can’t you book a room in a hotel/travel lodge close by then the children can stay there with a sitter and it’ll be easier for you and your husband to dip in and out of the wedding. The only other option is that you go alone.

How on earth can an uncle and soon-to-be aunt not want gorgeous wee nieces and/or nephews at their wedding. Ours were the stars of the show! AND this is at their very own DGPs! Your brother needs to wise TF up, spoilt brat.

If they feel that strongly about kids I wouldn’t go. Your responsibility is to your little ones not your grown up relatives. Weddings without kids aren’t much fun anyway.

Your baby is breast fed, you have to be close by to feed. You cannot go to the wedding, if they cannot stay nearby. They are being very selfish.