No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

[helpMeWritethis]

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

Surely we should be teaching our children kindness, inclusiveness and values. We raise every kid out for himself at our peril

I’ll just let DD know that the girl who pinned her down and shoved grass in her mouth that we should invite her to teach her kindness!

Seriously if parents can’t teach their kids kindness then I very much doubt inviting the bully to a party will be anything other than a disaster.

It's really NOT cruel to not invite the whole class to a party. But if you'd like to include everyone and have the budget, why not. Whenever I've done one half the parents don't answer and I'm chasing them for responses aside from my DCs actual friends.

wowzers - such compassion!

Being a parent is really hard, and navigating playground politics ane parents is really hard especially when your child is upset. I think trust your gut instinct. You are obviously a kind and caring parent wanting to do the best for your child - and as long as any message is framed in a nice way I would never be offended.

Haven't read every post but will agree with the posters saying that it's not cruel to not invite someone to a party. It's also not bullying. And to the one who said to escalate it to the school? 😆 Seriously?

It happens to everyone everywhere at some point, unfortunately all of us need to be more resilient. Yes, children too. Life isn't easy. It's your job as a parent to give them the tools to manage this.

Youre not being unreasonable, DD is upset so its understandable you'd be upset too. I wouldnt automatically say the parent is being cruel and intentionally leaving your DD out unless everyone in the class except DD was invited. If it's just a group which DD wasnt included in, then you dont know what the reason is. Maybe there is a cap on numbers etc. Can't be invited to all the parties!

There are going to be things in life which doesnt happen as she wants it. I'd focus instead on helping DD through it and just arrange a play date instead if she wants to spend more time with this girl.

100% agree with this. It’s my boys birthday party in a few weeks. He is inviting 13 of his classmates to his party, and he is in a class of 30, so including him there’s less than half of the class. Of the 14 children attending (including him) there are 9 boys and 5 girls. We did invites based on who he plays with the most, and speaks about. It was only after I looked at the class list I realised there are only 12 boys in the class, so there are 3 who haven’t been invited
. I don’t feel good about that but my son never ever speaks about them, I don’t think he ever plays with them. And then if we were to invite those three then we have more than half of the class coming, then I feel mean for the other girls who aren’t invited? If we were to invite the other 3 boys we would be inviting them purely because they are boys, rather than because my son plays with them.
We didn’t give out paper invitations to the class, I messaged the mums of the children who we have invited over WhatsApp separately, and asked my son to not speak about his party too much at school, because we wouldn’t want anybody who isn’t invited to feel sad, so I’m hoping nobody feels left out. Fact is we can’t afford a whole class party, if we could then we would.

Sorry this was a reply to @BillyNoM8s’s post - not posted on mumsnet before 🙈

Shes 8. You're her mum you absolutely can ask her not to say anything to the friend's mum. Teach her that she's not always going to be able to attend every party happening. Yes it can be disappointing but she is old enough to learn that she isn't entitled to her own way. Explain that her friend shouldn't have promised her an invite without asking her mum first. The party has already happened from what i can gather from comments so what's she going to achieve by mentioning it now when she's already missed it? Text the mum and arrange a playdate instead without mentioning the fact that your daughter didn't get to go to a party that's already happened and is now over and done with. Apologies if that has already been said i haven't seen every comment yet x

This was what I thought when I read the OP. I think at age 8 they start to form their own friendship groups but they are pretty fluid then. Especially with girls!

I remember when I was little that I would get invited to parties occasionally. Not everyone. I was chuffed when I was invited but I didn't really expect it as I was quite shy and quiet. So maybe it will be worth to get her in the mindset to be happy when she is invited but not to expect it all the time. Its less upsetting that way. This is how I was. It never bothered me.
However, the girl saying she would be invited has kind of confused this logic.

I remember my sister being the only child not invited because 'she's Jewish and her mum doesn't allow Jews into the house'.
Never mind that she was at my sister's party and her mum had tea and cake with my mum in the kitchen 😳.