Page 2 | No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

helpMeWritethis · 2023-05-14T07:45:55+00:00

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum! my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her. I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines. just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

Original poster

helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 09:06

@KateyCuckoo yes you’re right, I don’t think any good will come.

OP posts:

Bathroomlove · 14/05/2023 09:06

If the party was yesterday I'd just say to DD that it's a shame Emma's Mum was too busy to call withbthe detaiks and that yes it's disappointing, but there will be other parties, then change the subject.

if it's next week, just tell her there's plenty of time yet.

then I'd text the Mum (mid week) & say Emma has invited DD, to her party, but said to find out the details from her (Emma's Mum) that you totally understand if it's just Emma getting a bit invite happy, but you're a bit confused about what's happening. Kids 🙄🙄

id rather be asked than a kid miss out that I thought we'd invited or DD wanted to come & we'd not invited.

Shinyandnew1 · 14/05/2023 09:06

if she says you’re daughter is not invited I would query with the teacher whether it actually was all the girls in the class and potentially escalate it.

Who would you hope to escalate it? As a teacher, I would not be getting involved with party invitations!

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 14/05/2023 09:07

Ha! I had this from the opposite end once.
DS had invited 10 boys from his class to a very cool birthday party (if I do say so myself) which will naturally exclude a few in a class of 30 (no idea then or now what the boy to girl ratio is in his class)

Got a very cheeky message from the mother of a lad who my DS does not like saying she was "expecting a party invite but nothings come home with little Sammy"

I just responded (kindly) saying he's not on DS's list so a party invite was never sent. Sorry.

Don't be that mum OP. I cringed for her I really did.

Willmafrockfit · 14/05/2023 09:09

just leave it for now

Maebh9 · 14/05/2023 09:12

How do people have the time, cash and energy to host an entire class of kids annually (more than annually if they've multiple kids)??

People have too much money these days and it creates stupid problems like this.

Feel bad for your daughter, OP, but realistically she's got to get used to meanness because she's human and that's pretty much our species' deal.

EsmeSusanOgg · 14/05/2023 09:14

BlackYellowBlue · 14/05/2023 08:56

Do you know for certain the rest of the girls in the class have been invited? It seems pretty mean to exclude just one.

Agree with this.

cocksstrideintheevening · 14/05/2023 09:15

God don't text it's probably a cap on numbers at the venue and your dd didn't make the list. Harsh but reality.

EsmeSusanOgg · 14/05/2023 09:16

Bathroomlove · 14/05/2023 09:06

If the party was yesterday I'd just say to DD that it's a shame Emma's Mum was too busy to call withbthe detaiks and that yes it's disappointing, but there will be other parties, then change the subject.

if it's next week, just tell her there's plenty of time yet.

then I'd text the Mum (mid week) & say Emma has invited DD, to her party, but said to find out the details from her (Emma's Mum) that you totally understand if it's just Emma getting a bit invite happy, but you're a bit confused about what's happening. Kids 🙄🙄

id rather be asked than a kid miss out that I thought we'd invited or DD wanted to come & we'd not invited.

This is a sensible approach.

My kiddo (younger) keeps arranging playdates with his friends (obvs without any of the kids checking in with their parents). Because they get excited.

Velvian · 14/05/2023 09:16

I would think it was just your DD's perception that all the girls in the class were invited.

I've never invited the whole class to a party. I normally tell the DC that they can invite 10 people to whatever they're doing and they give me a list.

I don't think the other girl or her mum have done anything wrong by not inviting your DD. It is a normal disappointing situation that most DC have to deal with a few times through primary school.

I always think it is really rude of a child (and their parent) when a child pesters in the school playground for an invitation to a party or to play. I think if that is likely to happen, you need to invite the other child somewhere, rather than your DC asking the other mum.

Daisypain · 14/05/2023 09:18

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 14/05/2023 09:07

Ha! I had this from the opposite end once.
DS had invited 10 boys from his class to a very cool birthday party (if I do say so myself) which will naturally exclude a few in a class of 30 (no idea then or now what the boy to girl ratio is in his class)

Got a very cheeky message from the mother of a lad who my DS does not like saying she was "expecting a party invite but nothings come home with little Sammy"

I just responded (kindly) saying he's not on DS's list so a party invite was never sent. Sorry.

Don't be that mum OP. I cringed for her I really did.

You cringed for her?
Rather than feeling a bit embarrassed that you held ‘a very cool bday party’ for ten boys when with a class size of 30 that may very well have meant excluding just one or two boys and you didn’t even think to check that?

How cruel. I do hope for you that your DS is never ‘that’ boy as you will get a very unpleasant reminder of your behaviour

HelpMeGetThrough · 14/05/2023 09:19

if she says you’re daughter is not invited I would query with the teacher whether it actually was all the girls in the class and potentially escalate it.

There is nobody to escalate this to. No rules have been broken and it's nothing to do with the school who gets invited to a private party.

The parent would be totally justified to tell any staff member at the school to do one, if they challenged her.

CornishGem1975 · 14/05/2023 09:20

When we had parties, DD could pick 10 children to come, they're might have been girls 13 in the class but there had to be a cap if it was £20 per person and quite honestly those kids probably weren't her friends. I don't believe in inviting kids to parties when the birthday child doesn't even want them there, it's their party!

BananaCocktails · 14/05/2023 09:22

I refuse to invite classmates to my daughters birthdays- children would come, but I prefer just to keep it family to avoid situations like this in the future

diddl · 14/05/2023 09:24

I wonder why the other girl said that her mum would call?

I'd be worried that my daughter had asked to be invited!

saraclara · 14/05/2023 09:24

if she says you’re daughter is not invited I would query with the teacher whether it actually was all the girls in the class and potentially escalate it.

As a teacher, no way would I give that information. And as a parent, if my child's teacher told another parent the details of my child's guest list for an out of school party I'd be absolutely furious.

Tidsleytiddy · 14/05/2023 09:25

When I was a kid not all other kids were invited to certain parties. That was life. I don’t recall any parents contacting other parents to ask where their kid’s invite was. I’m sure we were all more resilient

Tidsleytiddy · 14/05/2023 09:27

And certainly it would never have crossed anyone’s mind to get the TEACHER involved!!! Like they haven’t got enough hassle already. Kids have to learn disappointment

Etoile41 · 14/05/2023 09:27

SoupedUpSue · 14/05/2023 09:01

”all the girls in the class” bar one isn’t a cap on numbers it’s bullying. This is actually not allowed at my kids’ school - it’s in the school rules.

yes text the mum a very bland message specifically asking. “Hi, hope you’re well. My daughter mentioned that XX told her she is having a party next weekend for all the girls in the class and that you’d be able to provide details. Just wanted to check date and time to make sure [my daughter] is free.”

if she says you’re daughter is not invited I would query with the teacher whether it actually was all the girls in the class and potentially escalate it. Utterly shitty behaviour.

How embarrassing. Unfortunately not all kids can always be invited. Maybe it's not actually all the girls except OPS DD. Or maybe OPS daughter is not nice to the girls.
I would be upset for my DD if this happened to her but I would not ever consider forcing an invite

AHelpfulHand · 14/05/2023 09:29

We’ve had this in the past we’re dd thinks she’s great friends with someone, only for her not to be invited somewhere, but other kids were.

Last year dd had a fancy sleepover with all the teepees etc and invited friends over.

Two months later, one of the girls who came to ours was having a sleepover and dd wasn’t invited.

dd regards this girl as one of her best friends, I’ve explained to dd that she isn’t a good friend if she doesn’t invite dd to things.

I would take this opportunity to have a chat with your dd about what a friend is and how you don’t treat friends like that

maresedotes · 14/05/2023 09:31

I'm not sure you should text for a playdate. I'd leave it and just concentrate on your DD's party. I say that as someone who had to watch a girl hand out party invitations in a playground. My DD didn't receive one and her face dropped. I do know how you feel (even though that was 15 years ago).

I hope your daughter has a great party.

Piony · 14/05/2023 09:32

At 8 I think it's much more usual to invite a few than the whole class. In fact I don't think we ever had a whole class invite past Y1.

I think you're doing right to leave it now but I would console your DD that even if if feels like everyone else was invited, it's more likely to be that the few she'd spoken to had been and those she hadn't, hadn't. The fact Emma invited her verbally says to me it's unlikely to be a "virtually whole class" party at all.

Talking about confrontation over a party invite... just no. This is a bit more complicated to process for your daughter because she is having a whole class party herself, but it's inevitable, if you do that, that not everyone you invited will invite you to theirs. Just help her roll with it and invite Emma to tea.

saraclara · 14/05/2023 09:32

AHelpfulHand · 14/05/2023 09:29

We’ve had this in the past we’re dd thinks she’s great friends with someone, only for her not to be invited somewhere, but other kids were.

Last year dd had a fancy sleepover with all the teepees etc and invited friends over.

Two months later, one of the girls who came to ours was having a sleepover and dd wasn’t invited.

dd regards this girl as one of her best friends, I’ve explained to dd that she isn’t a good friend if she doesn’t invite dd to things.

I would take this opportunity to have a chat with your dd about what a friend is and how you don’t treat friends like that

Young children rarely have full control over who comes to their parties. The mother of this friend might well have only been prepared to have a very small number of children to a sleepover (if she had any sense).
Don't encourage your child to be vindictive. This friend might well have lots of lovely qualities.

Tandora · 14/05/2023 09:32

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 14/05/2023 09:07

Ha! I had this from the opposite end once.
DS had invited 10 boys from his class to a very cool birthday party (if I do say so myself) which will naturally exclude a few in a class of 30 (no idea then or now what the boy to girl ratio is in his class)

Got a very cheeky message from the mother of a lad who my DS does not like saying she was "expecting a party invite but nothings come home with little Sammy"

I just responded (kindly) saying he's not on DS's list so a party invite was never sent. Sorry.

Don't be that mum OP. I cringed for her I really did.

Charming. I’m cringing a bit for you.

Casilero · 14/05/2023 09:33

I wonder if the Mum or whoever wrote out the invites just forgot about your daughter? Or it got lost or something? Seems more likely than deliberately excluding just one child. Bit late though now, and not sure you could have said anything at the time anyway. Best idea is just to invite everyone to your daughters party as planned. Maybe she'll apologise for the oversight there.