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Original poster

No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

361 replies

helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 08:45

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

OP posts:
Peterbread · 15/05/2023 09:33

@Needanewadventure2021 of course you didn’t need to explain yourself. Your reply was perfectly clear and dignified and I apologise if you felt I was trying to speak for you. I just took/take personal offence to the idea that being taken advantage of is somehow one’s own fault because they are too nice.

OP, My dd is only 3, and I am dreading the school popularity contests. My dd and I sound quite similar to yourselves, i.e. “socially awkward” mum and “sociable” child and I hope I am able to manage a situation like this as you have should it come up. You sound like you’re doing a grand job.

Needanewadventure2021 · 15/05/2023 13:56

@Peterbread no apologies needed 😊

Blossombathing · 15/05/2023 15:21

Needanewadventure2021 · 14/05/2023 22:52

Thanks @Peterbread and @mainsfed

Thanks for answering the earlier post for me. I went to but felt I didn't have to explain myself as it was clear who was the problem in my scenario and it WASN'T ME!

I'm embarrassed to admit I allowed her to take me for a mug for so long but I guess you learn and I had to reach a point where I felt no shame in walking away. How do you think it feels seeing post after post of 'my boys with their besties' and mine was never included? Yet everytime she wanted something my son was their bestie. I cant count the number I times I was asked to have both boys for a few nights. Now in my world that is something that is offered, not requested. So much went on which I am embarrassed about because at the end of the day I WAS TEACHING MY SON TO LET PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR KINDNESS. And setting him up to be walked over! My son already has alot of difficulties so it is my job as his Mum to make sure I'm not raising him in a way that will add to them.

The Mum just drifted on to others, and then the next and next. Constantly flaunting this 'amazing life' they are living, and how she has dropped certain people from her life for allegedly disturbing her peace (probably because she has no one to ask to take the boys now for 3 day sleepovers! Lol). I will hear from her occasionally to tell me how much her one son (the one who I did consider his bestie) cries from my son all the time, and I will be honest it does make me feel sad if true. I've had my son ask me why he isn't coming round when he is so upset so I've made a point of inviting him so my son can hear that i am asking. He understands that I am not the problem. But it led me on nicely to tell him that if people treat you like the Mum treated me did you walk away. She one million percent excluded my child and took advantage the boys friendship to benefit herself. But lesson learned, I won't be doing it ever again

You have done an outstanding job of making a very upsetting and troubling situation become a life lesson and a great example to your son.

Your natural kindness and generosity was taken advantage of, and they are the qualities most of those closet to you probably love about you - but others can and do ruthlessly take advantage. I have been there too.

I am glad you could show your son how to manage a situation like that, a life skill he will always need. You can still create the same magic, fun and exciting times minus the CF and it’s completely their loss. Your child has gained a life lesson, and can find friends that value him properly and a healthy balanced dynamic they can have your magic dust instead ✨

Needanewadventure2021 · 15/05/2023 17:31

Thank you @Blossombathing it was a big lesson for us both really and a real turning point for me in creating appropriate boundaries. The magic went when it was expected. The sad thing is my son and the one brother really were best friends and I'd get so many comments on how they will still be best friends as little old men. But enough was enough

Nannygoat151 · 15/05/2023 17:40

Sure invite wasn’t in her bag

Apricotjoy · 15/05/2023 17:42

I had this exact scenario at the same age with my daughter . I DID message the mum and was utterly embarrassed when she said only 3/4 girls from the class were invited. Kids had just got crossed wires

Lillyrosemay · 15/05/2023 17:50

I suspect this is a bit like when kids say but everyone’s mum lets them, it’s not every one, it’s a few friends, so I’d guess the child got the wrong end of the stick too and not everyone was invited. Not everyone as an adult defines it.

MrsBlac · 15/05/2023 18:02

I had this. A mum phoned me up as her daughter was upset as she was the only one not invited. It was not true. Due to the type of party we invited 5 out of the 15 girls. So I would double check first.

opalescent · 15/05/2023 18:14

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 14/05/2023 09:07

Ha! I had this from the opposite end once.
DS had invited 10 boys from his class to a very cool birthday party (if I do say so myself) which will naturally exclude a few in a class of 30 (no idea then or now what the boy to girl ratio is in his class)

Got a very cheeky message from the mother of a lad who my DS does not like saying she was "expecting a party invite but nothings come home with little Sammy"

I just responded (kindly) saying he's not on DS's list so a party invite was never sent. Sorry.

Don't be that mum OP. I cringed for her I really did.

You sound positively gleeful

CantFindMyMarbles · 15/05/2023 18:17

Let’s be realistic - it won’t be “all the girls” it will likely be 2/3 girls.
As upsetting as it is - you don’t get to pick whose party you are invited to.

Butchyrestingface · 15/05/2023 18:21

I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited.

Am I reading that right? Your outgoing, party-loving daughter never gets invited to kids parties?

What do you think is going on there?

YourFault · 15/05/2023 18:22

There must be a reason why she wasn’t invited, don’t be ‘that’ parent.

NeedToChangeName · 15/05/2023 18:27

LynetteScavo · 14/05/2023 09:46

My DM had 4 children and managed it in the 70a and 80s. Maybe our house was too big too Hmm Or maybe we all just pulled in and we're happy with a few games, a bit of dancing, sandwiches and jelly and icecream.

Show quote history

@LynetteScavo I have many fond memories of those low key house parties. Pass the parcel. Musical bumps. Jelly and ice cream

CharlieBoo · 15/05/2023 18:28

This age is really hard where parties are concerned. It will be a numbers issue which I always used to explain to mine when they were that age. It’s hard, but it’s also a life lesson. You don’t get invited to everything and likewise when it’s your party you also can’t always invite everyone.

The teen years are even more savage, because they see all the pictures of the party on social media!

Dont make a big issue of it, and just arrange a nice play date for her xx

MadMadMad · 15/05/2023 18:30

I wouldn’t text her for a play date and for your daughters birthday I would invite every other girl but this one!

flowergirl26 · 15/05/2023 18:31

Just for context, my son was in a class of 30. He had a party and invited 7 friends. I received a text from a mum I barely knew saying her son had been misbehaving because he was so upset not to be invited to the party when ‘the whole class’ was going. It was excruciating as she didn’t believe me when I said that wasn’t the case. Kids often get the wrong idea about things so leaving it is definitely the best option.

TallerThanAverage · 15/05/2023 18:33

I’ve only read two pages and I’m wondering what has happened to everyone. Usually there’s a lynch the b*tch mentality towards any parent that dared leave one child out. I’m reading post after post advising not to contact the mother rather than the usual cries to confront the parent. MN you’re messing with my head.

beanii · 15/05/2023 18:36

It's not cruel or bullying not to get an invite - it's a part of life 🤷‍♀️

You learn to manage your emotions and realise sometimes you don't get what you want.

I'd be horrified if my daughter was invited purely so she wasn't left out rather than being invited as she was wanted there 🤣

itsjustnotok · 15/05/2023 18:40

helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 08:45

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

This one’s a tough one without knowing context. Do you know the whole class was invited? One of the mums from our class had a right go at another mum for inviting the entire class to a birthday party claiming her son was excluded due his autism, shouted at the other mum and didn’t give her a chance to respond. I ran into her and she had a rant until I mentioned I wasn’t sure it was a whole class as my DD hadn’t been invited and I knew at least 2 others that weren’t. Turned out it was 5 kids due to affordability. She was mortified. I would just suggest a play date instead rather than mentioning the party.

Lavendersage · 15/05/2023 18:42

Not everyone wants to or can invite the whole class to parties, which sadly means some children won’t be invited. I had my DC’s birthday party on Saturday just gone and couldn’t (and didn’t want to) invite the whole class so they chose 10 friends each.

I know for a fact that my DS went into school and told children who weren’t invited about the party, and probably told everyone they could come, as kids do.. but it doesn’t mean I then invited them, or would expect a message from a mom about it.

As harsh as it sounds and I know your DD was upset, you can’t please everyone and can’t invite everyone to everything. If I was you I’d just explain that to your DD and move on.

planning a play date would be lovely, but please make sure to not make “Emma’s” mom feel bad about not inviting your DD as I’m sure if she could she would have.

side note - why is the expectation now to invite whole classes to parties?! It makes it so much more expensive, way more work and you end up inviting children that your kids aren’t even friends with?! I personally don’t get it.

BodyKeepingScore · 15/05/2023 18:45

I wouldn't text over this, and I'd be peeved if another parent messaged me over the same thing. I understand it's disappointing for your DD, and it probably hurts you to see her hurt and upset, but it's important for her to learn that she won't be invited to every event or party.
There was a thread on here recently where OP was piled on for being annoyed her friends had met without her, and she had text them to invite herself over for a coffee. The same applies here irrespective of age.

HauntedPencil · 15/05/2023 18:52

We are a 2 form entry and I have had multiple kids though primary and only a handful of times they've cared about it, parents cannot invite everyone and it's probably v unlikely that it's one child left out ordinarily.

Bellaboo01 · 15/05/2023 18:54

helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 09:04

Thank you all. I think I’m definitely not going to text the mum! It will just escalate. I’ll text her for a playdate instead.

im going ahead with my daughters party next month and will be inviting the whole class. It’s really cruel to leave kids out.

I would leave it for a while tbh. 'Emma' clearly doesnt see your daughter as one of her friends so i wouldn't push the friendship.
I am certain that not ALL the girls in the class were invited but, if that is the case then that is mean.
I personally (and i'm sure that this is not the done thing) would message the Mum and ask why ALL the girls in the class were invited to the party and your daughter was the only one not invited.
It isnt mean to not invite the whole class to a party but, it is mean to leave 1 child out.

illiterato · 15/05/2023 18:59

Honestly dd had form for this - we’

illiterato · 15/05/2023 19:01

Don’t know what happened there- dd had form for making last minute invites to people not on the original list, often dragging them over to me to say “can x come to my party as they’re my new bf”. In the end I had to tell her if she did it again, no party. Highly possible this happened here.

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