No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

[helpMeWritethis]

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

No, you can’t text and ask for her to be invited. im afraid this falls into your daughters ‘life lessons’ and ‘character building’ category.

I know it sucks, we have been there x

Using words like ‘heartbreaking’ and ‘cruel’ are very dramatic. Kids need to learn they aren’t invited to everything and that’s ok. Inviting a whole class yourself just fuels this nonsense 🙄

It's the smugness (plus childishness with overemphasis on how "cool" her little boy's party was lol) about potentially just 1 boy in the whole class being left out, which suggests there's something else going on – perhaps @Mustardandchickensandwiches compensating for her own childhood of unpopularity or something? My genuine interpretation.

Yes logistics are a fact, but I think most normal adults would not be that gleeful

Be careful as I got caught out in same situation. Turned out there was no party, child made it all up.

This happened to my DD in primary school. DDS friends mum took a dislike to me despite our dds being great friends. When the girl had a party my DD wasn't invited...the girl obviously felt awkward so told my DD her mum would contact me. Inevitably she didn't and DD was asking me constantly. Absolutely horrendous time.

Escalate it? 🤣🤣🤣
it’s not school’s place to get involved at all in what goes on outside school in relation to parties. No school can have a rule about who is invited to your child’s party. I’m a teacher and I’d think it utterly bonkers if a parent asked me to get involved because their child hadn’t been invited to a party.

Exclusion is bullying. It's hard to prove and easy to deny unfortunately

It seriously sounds dubious in this one if the kid is just telling everyone they are getting a call off the mum or all the girls are invited - I wouldn't be marching down the school head snaking with these sketchy words from a kid I'd just assume that on the basis I hadn't heard from an adult there isn't an invite and many other kids might not be invited either.

I was totally heard broken when a girl in my class told me 'my mum says you can't come to my party'. Of course, I now realise all her mum meant was that there was a limit on numbers and she didn't have anything against me personally!😂

A similar thing happened to my daughter.
She's in YR3 and her whole friendship group got invited to a party apart from her. I felt so heartbroken for her, I think we all just want to shield and protect our children from any heartbreak.
I didn't ask the mum, as at the end of the day it's up to her who she has at her daughters party - although I am a little standoffish with her now. But said child will not be coming to my daughters birthday.

I read all these threads and find myself agreeing with both sides - it's awful to leave out only one or a few, v. it's not right to invite kids you're not friends with etc etc

So far I've done it like this:
whole class parties until my dc really want to do something which only suits a small number of kids, or have a very definite small group of friends.
In practice, this has meant that we've pretty much done all class parties throughout Kindi and primary, even though it's not usual here at all (not in the UK).

My reasoning for this has been: parties are fun, the more the merrier :)
And if I'm honest, my heart breaks a little at the thought of some kid never being invited to one. I don't expect everyone to do the same, and we've never been bothered if my dc haven't been invited back to all the parties in return. And, most importantly, my dc have loved having the whole class

I have such fond memories of parties when I was little, it feels a bit like paying it forward iykwim.

Chalk it down as a life lesson. It's disappointing but kids need to learn they can't be invited to everything.
I'm guessing your dd wasn't invited, hence no invite. Your dd embarrassed Emma so Emma said "my mum will call your mum and invite you" when obviously she didn't do that.
These things happen, OP. Just let it go.

The OP said 'all girls' in the class were invited, so doesn't sound like a cap on numbers.

But what if the excluded child (not your DD OP) is bullying your child or your child really doesn’t like them?

That’s a statement that is not applicable to this thread though
No one is compelled to offer whole class invite just to no one feel excluded

So you’re not inviting one of the girls in your daughter’s friendship group as punishment because your daughter wasn’t invited to her party. That’ll teach the 8 year old a lesson! Sounds like she’s dodged a bullet there.

I've been in similar situations. Last year the mum of a child by DD goes to gymnastics with said she was thinking of arranging a gymnastics party there and if we were free on a certain weekend, two or three months ahead. At some point, it was decided that the party didn't happen there, numbers probably changed and I never got said invite.

This year, I had similar but the other way round. DS told me a few days before the party that he needed extra invites for "Dave" and "Jack" because he had told them they could come. Luckily my budget could accommodate and the place where we were doing the party still had spaces, but otherwise I would have had to ignore, as many places are £20-£25/child and need a week's notice of final numbers. I didn't even realise he was close friends with Dave and Jack, just that they played with each other sometimes at school. I think from Y3 and up, most parties start to reduce in size and parents end up limiting numbers a lot more. Mum/dad probably agreed on the names they have usual playdates with or the very closest friends. Might have thought any other name wasn't in the "core" group and if they were limiting numbers, they had to draw a line somewhere. Here parties at Y3 are about 10-15 children but Y4 and above start reducing to 4-7, as activities change from trampolining and ninja courses, to cinema, bowling or sleepovers.

You are brave inviting the whole class, I give you that. I did it once and never again 😅 I wanted to network and meet other parents as a FT working mum I was never at the gates, and it was pointless in that regard. I was too busy to talk to anyone. My child wasn't invited back to any of their birthday parties either because people didn't get a sense that their child was in my DS's close group, as everyone was invited and there is less of an emotional guilt trip to invite back 😅 so when they limited numbers, he didn't make the list 😞

I’m teaching my children how to negotiate social circumstances and that they don’t have to be people pleasers,it something I will say and reinforce. I won’t raise my daughters to be nice gerls or to please people. They will learn they have agency and don’t need to compliantly be nice because it’s societally expected. They’ll also learn to deal with disappointment and sometimes folk won’t want to invite them and they’ll understand actually that’s life, that’s how it rolls

Finally feminism is at the heart of everything, I’m a feminist after all

I do not know what you’re so exasperated about

I agree with you. What's good for the goose and all that!

I’ve probably upset people inadvertently countless times because my kids were told they could invite who they wanted to their own birthday parties. It’s not up to me who they choose to be friends with and, although I get how upsetting it is to feel left out, it’s an important life lesson that needs to be learned. At 8 years old, they have a reasonable idea who is in their friendship group and just because I get on with a parent doesn’t mean our children will necessarily like each other.

I have occasionally suggested names to check my kids aren’t forgetting anyone, but would never be able to justify the cost of inviting an entire class!

Also, sometimes we have very different ideas of how these friends groups are formed. Not just us parents, but even the kids. I remember once a mum asked me if my DS was available on a certain date so she could organise the party because it "would not be the same without his best friend"... and that was the first time I heard this kid was a best friend, I would not considered them a close friend at all and my DS didn't feel he was in the very close group either! But clearly from this other child's perspective, my DS was his best friend, even though for us he was more of an occasional friend from an activity they did together. So maybe this is the situation between your DD and this friend?

I would just organise playdates with kids your DD likes, so it's clearer to their parents that they are close friends?

No, please don’t check with the teacher! Teacher’s have more than enough to deal with. Parties and things that happen out of school are nothing to do with the teacher at all. How would the teacher know who went anyway?

I would just leave it. Most likely there is a cap on numbers and the friend can't invite everyone even if she'd like to. The whole party invites thing is a minefield. I was so glad when mine got to secondary and it ended. I still have a smallish grudge against a friend who invited the whole class bar my DS and his best friend to a party. I nearly put my foot in it and texted to say he'd lost the invite. Maybe do something nice with your DD instead.

1. is your daughter sure she was the only girl not invited?
2. It’s a horrible experience - we’ve had similar happen and it’s awful for our kids to be so upset. Friendships are hard at all ages.
3. parents who organise parties and don’t consider this are DICKS. By age 8 most parents will have an idea of who is in their child’s class. Leaving 1 or 2 kids out isn’t ok. Unless there is a specific reason. It would need to be a good one.
4. yes children need to learn about feeling disappointed in life. That they don’t always get what they want etc. But ffs who would do that to a child? There are much more appropriate ways for this lesson to be learnt.

Literally just proved my point