No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

[helpMeWritethis]

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

Of course do the activity, have some from school and invite some kids from outside school. It's cruel to just leave out 1 or 2 and we should teach our kids kindness. Unless they're bullies.

And if some kids don't have outside friends?
It's ridiculous to bend over backwards when things are just plain unavoidable.

This is one of those things.
You tell the child "you're not close friends with them so you didn't get invited.
I don't invite my work friends to my party. We are friends when we see each other in that place but not outside. Same with you and X. You're friendly in school not outside"

I've never heard of whole class parties in Y4. They stopped in Y1 at DDs' school.

You absolutely can ask your daughter not to say anything - as sad as it is seeing her upset at being left out, she needs guidance from you in how to deal with it. It isn't ok for her to approach the mum and ask for an invitation. Narrowing down a guest list can be really tricky, and it would be unfair to put the mum in the very awkward position of having to explain their choices to a child.

The sensible thing to have done would have been to text Emma's mum on Friday night. "Hi x, DD tells me she's invited to Emma's party tomorrow, but this is the first I've heard of it. Have I missed an invite or is she talking out her arse?😹😹 Xx"
Something to that effect.
That way, you'd have known the truth.

Are you sure she wasn't invited?

I ALWAYS invite the whole class, then one year another parent came up to ask what 'x' had done to upset me as I have invited the whole class except her kid and she was 'devastated'.

Her kids WAS invited (seems obvious to me since they came every year, we never had any problems and was good friends with my kid... teachers also wont hand out invites in class unless everyone's invited) but somewhere between the teacher handing out the invites to her giving it to her mam it had gotten lost.

Instead of just talking to me it had spread around the whole school that they were the 'only one not invited'. Its not nice to find out you are being gossiped about as the kind of adult that would exclude a child.

I agree. X

There are going to be some very disappointed adults when they realise they don't get asked to absolutely everything some of these posts are bonkers!

The sex of the kids is irrelevant - surely it's an old fashioned bit of a notion that you have to ask all the boys and or girls to your party? It's ten out of thirty. It's irrelevant.

I wouldn't text at all. Just explain maybe it was numbers. Take your daughter out as a treat.

I’ve been in this exact position and did text the mum as although my son hadn’t received an invite, everyone who sat on his table, did. I found this unusual and was worried my son (age 5 at the time) had received an invite but lost it or left it in school, he said he couldn’t remember when I asked him!

The mum was really nice about it and told me the daughter could only pick 12 friends from a class of 30 and she chose those she played with most. The mum didn’t know my son was the only child on their table of 6 that had been left out and apologised profusely. It did make me feel slightly better knowing it wasn’t anything personal and that she had restricted numbers.

I see no issue with texting the mum in your situation x

Call me whimsical but surely if we have young children it’s far healthier that they grow up in am inclusive, caring environment and learn to feel secure and safe in their communities including school. Surely that is the most healthy outcome for a child - especially when they are young.

So I don’t really understand why any parent would want their child to learn the cynical, manipulative, game playing behaviour that can happen later in life anyway. It sounds like the old fashioned school of hard knocks, you had better get used to exclusion and rejection now kiddo, there is more where that is coming from. It’s quite sad and detrimental.

The aim shouldn’t be what my kid wants for s party, my kid gets. Surely we should be teaching our children kindness, inclusiveness and values. We raise every kid out for himself at our peril. Good team players, a moral compass, understanding difference are key planks of development, how will that be achieved for the child that is told it’s okay to not care about others?

My daughters in a year 4 and only joined half way through last year, the amount of times she comes home mentioning play dates and parties yet out of all she mentions it’s the odd one here and there.
I don’t know the boy/girl ratio in either of my kids class but pretty rubbish if she was the only one

Lovely human being, my daughters a bullet to be dodged - typical nasty mumsnetter.
It's called ratios, it's up to my daughter who she chooses to attend for the number of children allowed.

Sounds like she really doesn't have those assumed social skills given she is always left out and certainly don't e courage her to confront the mother of the other child. No-one likes a precocious narcissist! I doubt she was excluded due to numbers as the rest of the girls in the class went. She was excluded because of her. May be a little harsh but you should be aware that there are issues here that need addressing if you do not want your daughter to be a social outcast all her life...

She may have lied to you out of awkwardness. If the child did not want your son there, I doubt the mum will tell you that!

Hard though it is, in this sort of situation, it's least said, soonest mended.

It will blow over long before any awkwardness that results from texting the mum would.

Have you got something prickly in your knickers? What a foul, pointless comment

I disagree. We don't need to burden ourselves or our children with the feelings of every Tom, Dick and Harry around them.

Our choices shouldn't affect others. So my child's choice of birthday party is nothing to do with some other child who has decided to have feelings about it.
I think a more important lesson is stay in your lane

Nasty? I’m not the one excluding the 8 year old child from a party with friends out of spite. Missing the party and you chaperoning was the dodged bullet not your child. Just to remind you of your comment::

A similar thing happened to my daughter.
She's in YR3 and her whole friendship group got invited to a party apart from her. I felt so heartbroken for her, I think we all just want to shield and protect our children from any heartbreak.
I didn't ask the mum, as at the end of the day it's up to her who she has at her daughters party - although I am a little standoffish with her now.
But said child will not be coming to my daughters birthday.

no mention of ratios, funny that.

It’s not really cruel to leave kids out - some people literally can’t afford to invite the whole class or even more than one or two

Relieved my children are over the age of having class birthday parties!

The worst incidence during primary school was one mum who thought her son was going to be invited to a party, even bought a present and told him all about the impending party. He didn't get an invite (was mainly family with a few school friends) and she caused a real stink over it, about how disappointed her son was etc - why tell him before the invites came out?! It was embarrassing and the party mum felt awful even though she had nothing to feel ashamed of.

Parties bring out the funny side of people

I didn't ask the mum, as at the end of the day it's up to her who she has at her daughters party - although I am a little standoffish with her now. But said child will not be coming to my daughters birthday.

So @JustWingingIt8 you acknowledge that it was up to the mum who she had at the party, but you're going to punish her child for it?
That's not just spiteful, it's totally illogical.

OP unless your DD is a prolific bully it is extremely unlikely that she has been the only girl excluded on purpose.
’All the girls have been invited to Emma’s party except me’ most likely means 3, 4, or 5 girls have truly had an invite due to the activity having a restriction on numbers, but ‘Emma’ is trying to push her luck a bit and have more friends there so she has said to DD (and the other uninvited girls) ‘I will ask my mum if you can come and get her to text your parents the details.’ Cue lots of excited girls and DD getting the impression everyone is going.

You mention that your DD doesn’t get invited to parties: By year 4, it is mostly have a few friends over for a sleepover or a trip to the cinema territory, they don’t tend to have ‘parties’ as such. As only a few people can be invited to these sort of things, it generally tends to be the birthday child’s closest friends that make the cut. If your DD is the type of child that talks to and gets on well with everyone, but doesn’t really have ‘close’ friends this may explain why invite’s don’t happen. Maybe ask her who she would like to be closer friends with and invite those kids for some play dates (could be from school or from out of school activities) and see if those friendships develop.

If you are happy to have a whole class party for your DD next month and that is what she wants, then go ahead, but be aware that it is unlikely to lead to lots of reciprocal party invites for your DD from her classmates as most whole class parties die off after year 1 and most kids her age will have preferences for the activities above. Also if it is not really what your DD wants, and you are doing it because you think it is kinder or more inclusive, that’s not great either if she would rather do something different. It is indeed very unkind to have a large party and exclude just 1 or 2 children in the class, but fine to have a much smaller event with just a handful of kids where those not invited are in the majority.

And don’t text Emma’s mum. The party has now been and gone and nothing good will come of it. Also don’t tell DD ‘Emma’s mum forgot’ she is nearly 9 years old and needs to know the truth and that she can’t get invited to everything, or she will ultimately struggle more as she gets older.

Stay in your lane?? 😵‍💫
You must be raising fabulous, empathic people. Bet they make you so proud.