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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

361 replies

helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 08:45

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

OP posts:
BubsysMum123 · 15/05/2023 21:10

Tricky. I would probably just text saying your daughter loves playing with Emma and arrange a play date! Don’t mention party !

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/05/2023 21:21

Comedycook · 15/05/2023 20:51

Literally just proved my point

Show quote history

Literally? Well there we are then

T1Dmama · 15/05/2023 21:24

Maebh9 · 14/05/2023 09:12

How do people have the time, cash and energy to host an entire class of kids annually (more than annually if they've multiple kids)??

People have too much money these days and it creates stupid problems like this.

Feel bad for your daughter, OP, but realistically she's got to get used to meanness because she's human and that's pretty much our species' deal.

Agreed.
we did ‘all the girls’ in DD’s class in year R, mainly because she’s a winter baby so had only just started school and thought it would be lovely for all the girls to bond… lots of people did all the girls or all the boys in year R… no one ever did it again after reception. I’m shocked kids are still doing it in year 4 to be honest as by then there would people they really didn’t want to invite .. we just did things with a couple of friends year 1 onwards as did most others (if at all)

Lillyrosemay · 15/05/2023 21:35

Butchyrestingface · 15/05/2023 18:21

I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited.

Am I reading that right? Your outgoing, party-loving daughter never gets invited to kids parties?

What do you think is going on there?

I was curious about this, it makes me suspect your daughter asked if she could go to thr party when she saw the invites, and the little girl said she’d ask her mum. As said, it’s highly unlikely it’s all the girls.

but how come she’s never invited, do you know what’s going on there so she can be supported ?

muttley68 · 15/05/2023 22:39

Happened to my granddaughter, only child not to her an invite when the whole class had been invited. Upset my daughter at the time but it turned out my grandaughter had been off school sick and the teacher had forgotten to give her the invite on her return to school

Doone21 · 15/05/2023 22:46

It's very simple, call her, say your do was invited verbally but you want to check as you've not has any details.

Doone21 · 15/05/2023 22:46

Doone21 · 15/05/2023 22:46

It's very simple, call her, say your do was invited verbally but you want to check as you've not has any details.

*dd

Lampzade · 15/05/2023 22:56

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 14/05/2023 09:07

Ha! I had this from the opposite end once.
DS had invited 10 boys from his class to a very cool birthday party (if I do say so myself) which will naturally exclude a few in a class of 30 (no idea then or now what the boy to girl ratio is in his class)

Got a very cheeky message from the mother of a lad who my DS does not like saying she was "expecting a party invite but nothings come home with little Sammy"

I just responded (kindly) saying he's not on DS's list so a party invite was never sent. Sorry.

Don't be that mum OP. I cringed for her I really did.

Sorry, but I think you were quite rude.

Lampzade · 15/05/2023 23:04

I have three kids. Each child had a whole class party ( once) .
Then I had an all girls or all boys party( once)
I even invited children who I knew wouldn’t attend because they hadn’t attended other parties
I would hate that a child would be upset over some crummy children’s party

DunkingMyDonuts · 15/05/2023 23:06

Doone21 · 15/05/2023 22:46

It's very simple, call her, say your do was invited verbally but you want to check as you've not has any details.

She would look a bit of a fool doing that, as the party was yesterday

Tellmeimcrazy · 15/05/2023 23:17

saraclara · 14/05/2023 09:24

if she says you’re daughter is not invited I would query with the teacher whether it actually was all the girls in the class and potentially escalate it.

As a teacher, no way would I give that information. And as a parent, if my child's teacher told another parent the details of my child's guest list for an out of school party I'd be absolutely furious.

This is why schools shouldn't get involved in handing out invites. It should be policy that unless the whole class is invited - the parents have to hand out the invited themselves

Allthenamesaretaken0 · 16/05/2023 06:12

Daisypain · 14/05/2023 09:18

You cringed for her?
Rather than feeling a bit embarrassed that you held ‘a very cool bday party’ for ten boys when with a class size of 30 that may very well have meant excluding just one or two boys and you didn’t even think to check that?

How cruel. I do hope for you that your DS is never ‘that’ boy as you will get a very unpleasant reminder of your behaviour

Show quote history

Where has this weird obligation come from based on gender that one or two can't be missed off?
I'm sorry but whole class parties are expensive and I wouldn't be inviting the whole class, particularly as your daughter doesn't sound overly close to them all! She may just be misreading social cues so although extroverted not connecting with the children in the way she thinks she is
It's just a life lesson for her, you need to explain that parties cost money/have space limitations and everybody can't be invited to them all. Sounds like she probably put poor Emma on the spot and made her feel uncomfortable!
Rather than in ops previous comment which has some sort of superiority air that she's inviting the whole class because she doesn't exclude children.
Good for you... maybe for reception children but not by age 8!

Snugglemonkey · 16/05/2023 06:20

Daisypain · 14/05/2023 09:18

You cringed for her?
Rather than feeling a bit embarrassed that you held ‘a very cool bday party’ for ten boys when with a class size of 30 that may very well have meant excluding just one or two boys and you didn’t even think to check that?

How cruel. I do hope for you that your DS is never ‘that’ boy as you will get a very unpleasant reminder of your behaviour

Show quote history

I totally agree. What if there were 11 boys? So nasty!

user1947582 · 16/05/2023 06:47

I actually question if all the girls were invited. The invites were surely not handed out on the Friday for the Saturday. Her friend was probably just taking about it due to excitement and telling everyone including your DD they were invited.

Dobby123456 · 16/05/2023 06:52

I think people are reading far too much into this. My dd's invite list for her 8th birthday party changed every week depending on who she was 'best friends' with at the time. Something similar happened here and the mum said 'no' to the last minute invitation. I really doubt it was malicious. Set up a play date.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 16/05/2023 06:59

Ha! I had this from the opposite end once.
DS had invited 10 boys from his class to a very cool birthday party (if I do say so myself) which will naturally exclude a few in a class of 30 (no idea then or now what the boy to girl ratio is in his class)

Got a very cheeky message from the mother of a lad who my DS does not like saying she was "expecting a party invite but nothings come home with little Sammy"

I just responded (kindly) saying he's not on DS's list so a party invite was never sent. Sorry.

Don't be that mum OP. I cringed for her I really did.

proof that some parents are indeed still at school themselves. Well done you must feel so proud of yourself...

Florissante · 16/05/2023 07:28

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 14/05/2023 10:17

Pretty spot on, other than the gloating.

I don't socialise with school people so no opportunity to gloat, even if I wanted to.

Show quote history

The gloating in Mustard's posts is staggering.

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 16/05/2023 07:39

Lampzade · 15/05/2023 22:56

Sorry, but I think you were quite rude.

Show quote history

Ah well 🤷🏼‍♀️

QueefQueen80s · 16/05/2023 10:22

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 16/05/2023 06:59

Ha! I had this from the opposite end once.
DS had invited 10 boys from his class to a very cool birthday party (if I do say so myself) which will naturally exclude a few in a class of 30 (no idea then or now what the boy to girl ratio is in his class)

Got a very cheeky message from the mother of a lad who my DS does not like saying she was "expecting a party invite but nothings come home with little Sammy"

I just responded (kindly) saying he's not on DS's list so a party invite was never sent. Sorry.

Don't be that mum OP. I cringed for her I really did.

proof that some parents are indeed still at school themselves. Well done you must feel so proud of yourself...

Agreed. I was that mum texting.. My boy is so innocent and sweet and was 1 of 2 boys left out of invites, they had to watch them being handed out and all the other 12 boys getting excited. The mum said there was a limit, not that they wanted to leave anyone out, but she should have put more thought into it. I'd be mortified to make kids feel excluded.

Nordicrain · 16/05/2023 10:27

helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 08:58

@KateyCuckoo

instead of giving the mum the heads up that your dd is going to confront her about it!

when did I say my daughter would confront her? She’s obviously going to say something innoncently like she waited for the invite but didn’t come! I can’t ask her not to say anything. We’ve kept her busy all weekend and not reminded her but who knows if she will or will not remember come Monday morning. They’re 8 year olds! They don’t know the meaning of a confrontation!

I disagree. You can absolutely explain to an 8 year old that parties can be selective, that she wasn't invited and that it is inappropriate to ask about it. You not only can, but should teach her this or she'll be set up for many years of disappointment is she's expecting an invitation to everything. From Y4 onwards the parties get smaller and less inclusive - whether you like it or not - and she needs to be taught, kindly, that that will happen. Same with friendships and playdates.

It's part of your responsibility as a parent to prepare her for this, otherwise she will only continue getting hurt.

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 10:39

The thing is nowadays when it comes to children's parties, the parents don't necessarily invite their children's friends or those they like the most. They invite the children of the parents they get on the most with.

My dds primary class was like that. It became very very odd by year 5

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 10:40

Posted too soon...

But by year 5/6 the kids were stuck having parties with kids they barely spoke to at school because the mums were besties.... meanwhile their actual friends weren't invited.

HauntedPencil · 16/05/2023 11:08

Are some people really saying you can't have a 10 limit party? That's quite standard for some activities - heavens above. 10 out of a class of 30 is totally acceptable.

QueefQueen80s · 16/05/2023 11:55

HauntedPencil · 16/05/2023 11:08

Are some people really saying you can't have a 10 limit party? That's quite standard for some activities - heavens above. 10 out of a class of 30 is totally acceptable.

Not if it's 10 out of 11/12 boys/girls.

Lefteyetwitch · 16/05/2023 12:20

So what's your solution?
Telling your child they can't do the activity the want for their birthday because Bobby and Timmy will be sad?

And what if they don't actually care about Bobby and Timmy?

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