to think 25 year olds shouldn't be hanging around with 18 year olds?

[razzille]

My daughter is 18 and has plenty of friends a similar age to her (the oldest is 21). However, there's this 25, almost 26 year old who seems to be integrating with her and her friends an awful lot. She is often there on nights out with, has been at sleepovers, etc. it's rather strange to me. What I like even less is it's not like she is particularly delayed for her age (she lives on her own etc) and often DD and her friends will be at her place or 2 of DD's friends are sixth formers/in college and she has picked them up from literally school before. I just find it all a little strange. I can't see what a 26 year old has in common with teenagers.

I remember struggling to make new friends after moving back to my home town after university and my DDad suggesting I try to hang out with teenagers at my old sixth form college. It felt like really odd advice and I was younger than 25.

She's probably not a risk to your DD but I agree that it's an unusual grouping. A completely mixed aged group would be different though.

I don’t think it’s particularly weird. I had friends in lower years, friends in older years and friends much older outside of school. One of my friends was in her 40s, but we just got on and went for a coffee and a chat. We’re still friends now and no weird stuff to the relationship, it’s just a friendship and we enjoyed chatting and she was lovely at giving me gentle guidance as an older teen. I also had friends who were boys and girls. Unless there’s other issues like your dd suddenly having behavioural changes or turning up drunk/drugged or missing school, I wouldn’t see any reason to be concerned. Perhaps they just have particular things in common or share a similar sense of humour. Do you expect her to stick to her own age group in the work place? Lots of 18+ work and would find friends of older ages there, or in activities outside school.

You’re joking right? I met DH at 18 and he was 25.

I would be concerned about grooming/exploitation. Workplace friendships with an age gap are different to a working adult befriending college students.

2 of my best friends are 33 and 34 and I’m 41. I’ve never thought it was weird. We’ve been friends for years. Some of my other friends are in their 50’s. I don’t think age really matters

When my dd was 19 / 20 she met a 25 year old friend online. This was during the pandemic, so socialising was limited. They became very close friends and dd often went to stay overnight with her (probably against the rules then). I wasn't overly concerned, though I did wonder about the friend's motives. I thought they could be sexual but that wasn't it. But friend did turn out to be extremely controlling and dd eventually woke up to this and, after a huge bust up, refused to see her again. In person, this woman was very sweet and friendly but I am sure she had a personality disorder because she was very mean to dd on social media once she realised dd couldn't be controlled.

Not saying this is always the case of course but just one experience. Dd was an obvious "victim" back then. She struggled with friendships as a teen and at the time she met this woman had finished college and was unemployed. I'd say though that the experience was a good one in that she learnt a lot from it and now has healthy friendships (now 22). The friend also helped her get her first job.

Seems fine to me. I started dating my DH when I was 19 and he was 25.

I’m with you OP. I think it’s odd and I would be concerned

I would be suspicious too, though I don't think you need to worry about your dd OP. She clearly has a group of similar aged friends and I doubt the older woman could cause her any harm. But it does sound strange unless maybe they all share a hobby? It's a far cry from work friends, where you are obliged to work with, and form relationships with, people of all ages.

And different too to romantic relationships, though personally I would not be impressed if my nearly 18 year old had a boyfriend in his mid 20s. Her friends are all 16 to 18 at the moment. She is not a "proper" grown up despite her upcoming birthday and I wouldn't think she had anything in common with a man that old.

That's more weird.

As a teenager i had friends at at all ages some old enough to be my grandparents

There was nothing weird it just was

I would be wary too, I have experience of similar which I don’t want to go into but there was a predatory element possibly related to her troubled upbringing.

Im not saying the relationship is of this nature, but I think it’s fine to be on alert.

The age difference doesn't bother me as I can think of many situations where that sort of age gap happens. For example if they've trained in a sports club together for several years, or it's a friend they've made at work, or a friend of a cousin.

But this
She met her through her friend who met her on an online game
is what makes me feel uncomfortable.

An adult in their mid 20s at a totally different point in life wanting to hang around with 18/19 year olds they've met online, picking them up from college, having sleepovers etc is a little weird.

They're all adults, but 17 year olds don't suddenly become mature at midnight on their 18th birthday. You probably can't get away with saying too much, but keep an eye and hope it fizzles out.

25 and hanging with a bunch of 18 year olds - where are her friends already? Probably a bit socially inept or else she would already have a well established friend group. At least she's not trying to date her.

At that age I had friends much older than 25 as well as same age. If they get on what's the issue? Unless there's more to it YABU.

I don't think he comparison with work colleagues is accurate here. This is someone who actively chose to chat to 18year olds via online gaming and is now part of their physics social group which would ring alarm bells to me.

It's fine to have friends who are a different age to you but this 25 year old doesn't appear to have any her own age, I'd be wondering why to be honest.

Do you think she fancies your daughter? Maybe she does. Time will tell.

I think as they have a common interest it's easily explained.

Late 30s here and similar. Especially when you make friends in work. I've got friends in their very early 20s and friends in their 60s.

It is a bit unusual I would say, she doesn't seem to be plying them with drink etc or introducing predatory people. I think it is ok and would also wonder if the younger group are taking advantage of her good nature? Own home, lifts etc

Good lord the things that some of you worry about. Let it be, if she's happy with her friends who cares about the age difference.

MuffinToSeeHere
I agree with you.
Having friends who are different ages isn't that unusual.

A woman in her mid 20s befriending teenagers online, tagging onto (and then firmly integrating themselves) into a 6th form friendship group is weird.

When I was 17, I made some work friends who were 27 & 28. I'm still friends with one actually, he came to visit a couple of months ago. Nothing particularly strange nor dangerous appears to be going on. It's maybe hard to accept that your little baby is an adult now, but she is, so you'll need to start trusting her judgement and moving into a more reactive mode where if there is no actual danger, you give advice only when she actually asks.

i think it’s only a bit weird if their lives are at very different stages but at the ages they are, (so long as the friendship isn’t coercive) they will match up within a year or so and the friendship will either balance out or fizzle out.

I find that between 25 & 65/70 age gaps shrink and 10/20 years between these ages is very close. It might be because we are all on the workplace together so have a common ground, but at 47 I certainly don’t feel much older than my friends in their 30’s or much younger than those in their 50’s & 60’s. However, at 25, I’d have felt very different to a 15 year old.

I think this is why you often get men in their 50’s thinking they have a lot in common with women in their 20’s/30’s as the age gap feels closer. But issues often arise once the older person gets to retirement age as I think the age gap starts to widen again as it does in child/teenagehood. *. So there might not be a huge difference between a 30 and 50 year old but there is between a 60 and 80 year old.

*disclaimer not in all cases and I have known age gap relationships to work into old age, but when they haven’t it’s often because the older one ‘got old’.

Yes it's fact that she befriended them online and then became a part of their physical group that rings the alarm bells for me.

This isn't a natural friendship which has emerged organically from work, volunteering or because the person is a relation of one of her current group. This 25 year old women actively chose to talk to 18 year olds and then become part of their socialising circle, the fact it's a women and not a man doesn't make this behaviour any less worrisome.

My dd is 19 and has a friend at work who is 26. They both do the same job.