Vegan inviting themselves to join a dinner resulting in everyone having a crap dinner

[NewShoesForSpring]

I was away with work meeting several international colleagues.

3 of us were staying in the same direction & decided we'd head back together & get some dinner on the way. The quiet girl, let's call her Mary, heard us & said she was staying in the same general direction & would leave with us. We had no problem with this & so once we were finished up that drink we left the general group & checked if she was ready etc

We get off the metro at a busy area close to where our hotels are & there are loads of lovely bistros etc, all busy so one of the group suggestes we try one that looks v nice & has loads of people dining etc. We go over to take a look at the menu (though if it had been just me & the person who suggested it I'd say we'd have just gone straight in! It was getting late & we'd been slightly concerned we wouldn't even find dinner at that stage. So this place looked perfect.

Anyway Maria is hesitating by the menu & then she pipes up that she's vegan....

She tries asking the waiter if they have anything but he doesn't understand & do we're all standing about dithering & she had NO suggestions of what she'd like to do..we start walking around the square looking at all the menus....its now 10.15pm...I can feel our chances of finding some nice food fading...

She spends AGES reading every menu to reject them all. Eventually she stops in front of a cheap Lebanese place & says 'oh falafel I love them...' so we found ourselves eating a really crap dinner. Essentially it was like a takeaway place with plastic cutlery.

The colleague who suggested the Bistro is perhaps late 60s & has a condition that gives her a tremor & she wanted to sit inside as it was getting chilly outside

Maria the vegan said oh shall we sit outside? It's nicer..more dithering for the group of 4 if us as we don't know each other & everyone was trying to be polite

I was getting to the end of my patience then so went to the bathroom & said I'd find them

Came out...they were outside...poor other colleague was wrapping a scarf around herself. We were surrounded by people smoking those glass pipe things (I forget the name)

The food was v basic. I ordered a vegetarian plate (it looked like that might be the best option ). It consisted of cubed potatoes, rice, a small spoon of veg moussaka & bread - cards on carbs!

I ate it without fuss & also worked hard to keep the small talk inclusive etc . I asked Maria how she normally copes with the vegan diet when travelling & she said she usually gets supermarket food. So from that point of view I was glad she did stay out.

But bloody hell there was a really selfish part of me thar was looking longingly across the square at the lovely bistro & wishing for a lovely glass of red wine & steak et frites...it had been tantalisingly close. I also wanted to chat to the older colleague about a part of work / project we're both involved in but it would have left Maria out of the loop.

And to top it all...I we spent so long faffing about finding vegan food by the time I got back to my hotel the bar had closed so I never even got thar glass of wine!

I REALLY wanted to say to Maria & the 4th colleague who didn't seem at all bothered by any of it - you go for the vegan stuff. Me & other colleague want go in here & eat meat / fish. But somehow that just didn't seem possible.

I woke up today feeling like a horrible person even though i did not let Maria know I was irritated....

You sound like hard work...

Would you make such a drama of it if someone had wanted to eat somewhere else because they have a health condition or food allergies and need a special diet? or for religious reasons?

You got food, you did not starve. Get over it.

This was a work-related occasion anyway, you can't expect the same as experience as being on a night out having fun with your mates...

Can’t you speak up? YABU

Maria sounds fun

I had to be gluten and dairy free for a year once. No way did I subject people to this shit. I would have a salad if need be

people are so entitled

Use the app Happy Cow.
It shows vegan friendly places world wide and has never let me down.
yes YABU as veganism is better for the animals and the environment.
veganism is a protected characteristic: would you openly complain about a colleagues chosen religious belief? Don’t complain about veganism.

Actually it was the OP who was outvoted and that’s why she’s miserable.
Everyone else seemed perfectly happy really.

I totally get where you're coming from with the agony of trying to decide with a group you really don't know well, and it's all I don't mind, no YOU decide, happy to fit in with what everyone else likes.. . it's a very different dynamic than with a group of people you know well when you feel comfortable enough to say No Audrey, we're not going for sodding pizza again, the rest of us want noodles, or whatever.

OP I think you were obviously unprepared for this situation and everyone was trying to be nice. I think if there's a next time you should just say 'I'm going to eat at x place', everybody is welcome to join me, but that's where I'm going (in case someone start piping in with 'but are there any vegans options there).

Well that's told me...I was clearly in the wrong!

Most countries in Europe and further afield will often cook vegetables, rice and potatoes in meat stock/meat fat, thats why it all tastes so nice. Unless the restaurant is completely vegan and you know the language really really fluently, you can never be sure. In many countries ham and chicken is not considered 'meat'.

So I get that she might have struggled and cant just rely on chips or rice etc.

I also get why OP went along with it, its all very well people on key boards saying they would have said this and that but in reality people dont, they try to accommodate or dont want to appear rude.

tbf I think its hard to speak up in these situations for fear of causing conflict/tension in the group. In my situation with the friend on holiday I did actually speak up a couple of times that it perhaps wasn't fair that we always had to go somewhere that served something from her limited list of things she could eat, but was shot down by the others and it was implied I was being uncaring towards the fussy eater. So I probably wouldn't want to try speaking up if ever in that situation again. I always wonder whether all these people on mumsnet who preach about using your words and 'just say no' actually do so in real life, with real people...I don't think its always that easy!

@Greenfairydust You're not vegan....are you?

My sympathies - I used to have a friend who was vegetarian, but didn't like vegetables - that was always a nightmare eating out.
Rare that none of the restaurants had options - but selfish to impose herself on you all and result in you all end up in a grotty takeaway joint.

I also get why OP went along with it, its all very well people on key boards saying they would have said this and that but in reality people dont, they try to accommodate or dont want to appear rude.

Exactly! Especially with work colleagues, not friends. And OP perhaps didn't relish the idea of saying she was going to the bistro and nobody joining her, leaving her having a meal on her own.

But as she said, they all decided to go and eat together, they got the metro together for the purpose of eating somewhere. It would be anti social and weird for OP then to march off to a restaurant on her own. And she might not have wanted to in a strange place on her own.

I would not be angry at the vegan person as I understand she needs to eat so needs to find something suitable; but you could have been more proactive - "we are eating in the bistro, care to join?" she would eat fries in the bistro, that's vegan? or salad? Also, saying "sorry, but such and such is unwell and needs to sit inside" is completely valid.

But, equally, I'm also good at coming up with responses and actions AFTER the event )) I would probably be just like you. Well, at least you know what's what and will be ready for the next time!

@bellac11 Yeah that's true. Awkward situation.

This. Some people have an inflated sense of what they would do in some situations, because they like to think of themselves as no-nonsense types. The other ones are the 'I call a spade a spade, me' or 'Oh I have NO filter. DEAL WITH IT' types.

Because not speaking up and then whining about it later is really annoying. How is anyone to know you’re unhappy if you’re so passive?

I think you’re just disappointed you didn’t get the vegan hating thread you wanted.

In fairness though in your situation you were the minority, as the rest of your group wanted to prioritise accommodating the fussy eater, so continuing to speak up in your case would have been pointless. OP has led us to believe that three people were made unhappy by one person's behaviour, which if true, is extremely passive of them and I personally find it hard to believe many would stay silent.

People can be annoying; you had a disappointing evening, but it's over now. If there's a repeat of this situation, I'd tell her I'm going to XXXX place and she's welcome to join, but of course you'll understand if the menu doesn't have anything she fancies. It's then up to her to decide to join you or not.

I'm surprised she couldn't have found something to eat at the bistro, if she looked hard enough.

Work situations like this rarely go ideally well for all concerned, OP.

You'll be better prepared next time.

"We are going to XYZ restaurant. You're welcome to join us' is your go to next time.

This is about basic manners not veganism.

Her response should have been “look you were kind enough to include me in the group so I’ll return the favour and go along with the majority” but she was too anxious or selfish to do that in the moment so one of you should have stepped up and made that happen.

OP,

You were very passive.

Perhaps it was awkward or perhaps you weren't hungry enough.

Because there is no way a dithering vegan would come between me and a nice meal and wine when I am hungry.

Not a chance.

I would have returned to the hotel for room service if necessary.

You'll learn from this.

Next time speak up.

It’s a tricky one I’m gluten intolerant and went out for lunch last week (work related) it was supposed to be a tasting menu but due to coronation they were doing an afternoon tea theme instead
The person I was with who had booked the meal had forgotten to ask for GF option so there was nothing at all I could eat
I hate making a fuss so asked for the filling out of the sandwiches with a bit of salad and they found me some ice cream instead of the scones and cakes
I hate making a fuss and will always find something or starve
I find it hard to believe your vegan colleague could not find something at the restaurants the rest of you fancied

I would have felt worse for the lady with the tremor I think! She couldn't enjoy her meal because she was uncomfortable. Was Maria not aware of this? It makes her look pretty selfish if she was!