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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for our own food - dinner party

438 replies

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 18:19

we were invited to a friends house for dinner. Took a bottle of good wine with us, we wouldn’t ever go empty handed.

had a good meal, but they sent us a message after asking for money for each person! I thought this was crazy and I would never ask anyone to pay for their food if I invited them over!

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? We’ve already arranged to have them to ours in a few weeks time and I’m not asking them
for anything!

OP posts:
Bubblyb00b · 12/05/2023 21:29

now you can amend your dinner invite to say "bring your own food" 😂

Bubblyb00b · 12/05/2023 21:30

but seriously - are you really desperate to have them as friends? this is as far from normality as it can be.

ClaireSweeneyStuntDouble · 12/05/2023 21:32

Text them telling them they're no longer invited to dinner, and they're no longer welcome in your life (except as your best anecdote whenever you're discovering miserliness) as you don't need those parsimonious vibes in your life.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/05/2023 21:33

Seriously I cant believe you paid. It works both ways. Let them come and after text them and say food can to £xx each, heres my bank details

Amimessingthisup · 12/05/2023 21:35

Wishimaywishimight · 12/05/2023 18:25

I'd text back "As you are coming to ours on X date shall we just call it quits?" After that I wouldn't go to dinner at theirs again.

Do this

mydoghasanattitude · 12/05/2023 21:35

That is bizarre. You simply don't ask people over to your home, serve them food, then ask for money! If you can't afford to host, either don't or ask people if they want to go out to eat or do a pot-luck type of meal where each of you provides something.

I'd want to cancel their invitation, to tell the truth. Do something else and make it clear that everyone is paying their own way. Then never, ever accept an invitation to theirs again. Or ask beforehand, 'How much is this going to cost? I need to see if it fits in the budget.' (Okay, not really, but then again, why not?! If they can be weirdos, maybe you should, too.)

BreatheAndFocus · 12/05/2023 21:36

Definitely charge them when they come to you for a meal! What’s sauce for the goose….

They’ve behaved very rudely. Nobody does that without advance notice. It’s incredibly rude and insulting. I’d add the price of the wine you took onto your charge for the meal you’re going to host, greedy/stingy people!

Fudgewomble · 12/05/2023 21:37

Conversely to pp, I would keep the dinner invite open back to yours and host them in fine style and refuse any contribution or gift save for the usual bottle of wine/flowers/chocs. Much more satisfying to be the more gracious and generous host and it won’t go unnoticed.

(I got immense satisfaction biding my time and presenting my BIL and SIL with a lovely gift hamper when their baby was born after they had bought our baby (their first ever niece or nephew) a £5 gift from the service station (we were all on similar healthy incomes at the time). Our generosity was noted and it was worth waiting four years to make the point without saying a word!).

Original poster
ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 21:38

My fear for not paying was that WE would be seen as the stingey people. To be known as stingey is absolutely the worst for me!

also, as mentioned, the fact we have lots of mutuals.

god I am so worried this will be picked up now! I’ve asked MN to delete, thanks for all your replies. I genuinely was shocked and thought maybe we’d done something wrong (and no we didn’t drink lots, 2 bottles between the 4 of us)!

OP posts:
Amimessingthisup · 12/05/2023 21:40

I’d charge them for dinner when they come round to yours- after all, they won’t think it’s weird😂

charge £20 a head. And ask them to bring wine.

it’ll be a good test of how good friends these are too - if they are genuinely clueless, they’ll be fine with it. If they complain - CF’s!

please come back and tell us how you get on!!

cosmiccosmos · 12/05/2023 21:40

This is quite a sad situation for your friendship. I say that because surely now when you invite them over you 'technically' should charge them as they have set a precedent. However we all know this isn't how it works - personally the joy of hosting is welcoming friends and cooking a lovely meal and enjoying each others company.

But if you now decide to follow their lead (read: go down to their level) there is a chance they will say 'we can't afford it) and then it's very awkward.

Sorry but they have stepped over a line here, perhaps the friendship wasn't what you thought it was.

ThatFraggle · 12/05/2023 21:44

Don't charge them. The CFs will spread that you did, leaving out the fact that it was after they did it first. Then you'll be dragged through the mud as weirdos.

AllegraWalterJones · 12/05/2023 21:45

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 21:38

My fear for not paying was that WE would be seen as the stingey people. To be known as stingey is absolutely the worst for me!

also, as mentioned, the fact we have lots of mutuals.

god I am so worried this will be picked up now! I’ve asked MN to delete, thanks for all your replies. I genuinely was shocked and thought maybe we’d done something wrong (and no we didn’t drink lots, 2 bottles between the 4 of us)!

I would sound out your mutual friends - for all you know they've done this to others too but all of you are politely hiding it from each other!

MysteryBelle · 12/05/2023 21:49

You basically paid to be in their presence. I bet they don’t charge people who “rank” higher than you. Think about it. Do you really think a lot of people would put up with getting charged for being invited over for dinner?

I think it was beyond foolish that you did their bidding. The mind boggles. They’ll have you doing odd jobs around the new house next or taking in their dry cleaning. Or errands. It will be something. I bet will be a one sided “friendship”. Apparently it is recent enough that it was your first time at their house for dinner. Which you paid for. Did you deduct the bottle of wine? No?

You have at the moment neither sense nor cents.

Easy target for users and manipulators. And you’re up for it, even after people here told you not to pay them, you did it anyway. Like these scammers are your bosses or people you must obey or else you will get kicked out of mutual friends club. Think about that for a second and what that tells you about them. Very very weird.

You are an example of how rude obnoxious scammers can take over and get lots of people to do whatever they want them to.

You just did what they said. No questioning them. You come on here and ask, and you were told good advice against it, and then you did it anyway.

Bizarre and inexplicable.

Fe1986 · 12/05/2023 21:49

Backtonormalatlast · 12/05/2023 20:21

More fool you for paying!I would also tell all you mutual friends to not accept a dinner invitation .Cannot believe that two adults agreed ask for payment. All a bit odd TBH!

I can believe two adults agreed this was a good idea. I know a few couples (not struggling at all) where they are both as tight as each other. They are a match made in CF heaven. I wonder how they get past the dating stage without arguing over how a bill or something is paid. They must realise they’re both as stingy as each other so could do some serious penny pinching together…..

willWillSmithsmith · 12/05/2023 21:50

gamerchick · 12/05/2023 18:23

Send them a message back saying absolutely not. If you want to charge then you should say costs upfront so you can make an informed choice.

Don't do the polite thing and pay up. This is how the fuckers get away with it.

Yes this. Don’t let them just get away with such shocking cf. Never has it been expected that you pay for your dinner if you are invited over (unless that was made clear and agreed beforehand). If they couldn’t afford it they should have said first or not extended an invite. Who does that 🤷‍♀️

Users37 · 12/05/2023 21:50

I don't think people like this expect it to work both ways. I think they'll be very unhappy if the OP sends them a bill when they eat at OP's house.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/05/2023 21:52

willWillSmithsmith · 12/05/2023 21:50

Yes this. Don’t let them just get away with such shocking cf. Never has it been expected that you pay for your dinner if you are invited over (unless that was made clear and agreed beforehand). If they couldn’t afford it they should have said first or not extended an invite. Who does that 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Ah you’ve paid.🤨

TheFireflies · 12/05/2023 21:53

willstarttomorrow · 12/05/2023 19:41

@RedRosette2023 I feel your pain. We have not been trusted with a toaster for several years in case the fire alarm is set off. We are all professionals with a very specific skill set that the government has not yet found a way of privatising which requires a huge amount of responsibility and autonomy. But making toast. .....

To be fair I used to work for a local authority and my office was underneath the Emergency Planning team. They set the fire alarm off three times with their toaster - fire engines out, the works.

OP, I am astounded that anyone would ask for payment in this manner. Obviously do not pay. The manner of your reply really depends on the friendship you have.

MysteryBelle · 12/05/2023 21:54

AllegraWalterJones · 12/05/2023 21:45

I would sound out your mutual friends - for all you know they've done this to others too but all of you are politely hiding it from each other!

Show quote history

My fear for not paying was that WE would be seen as the stingey people. To be known as stingey is absolutely the worst for me!

Come now, how obtuse. Do you not realize manipulators zero in on your insecurities to benefit from it, and then you are quiet and don’t tell anyone and so they continue.

You should tell every mutual friend what they did, or you were smart. It’s exactly what they don’t expect you to do. No one in their right mind would side with them on that, and if they do, it’s good to know that so you can keep well away from the lot.

But you won’t because you’re a perfect target for them.

MysteryBelle · 12/05/2023 21:55

if not or

AllegraWalterJones · 12/05/2023 21:55

MysteryBelle · 12/05/2023 21:54

My fear for not paying was that WE would be seen as the stingey people. To be known as stingey is absolutely the worst for me!

Come now, how obtuse. Do you not realize manipulators zero in on your insecurities to benefit from it, and then you are quiet and don’t tell anyone and so they continue.

You should tell every mutual friend what they did, or you were smart. It’s exactly what they don’t expect you to do. No one in their right mind would side with them on that, and if they do, it’s good to know that so you can keep well away from the lot.

But you won’t because you’re a perfect target for them.

Show quote history

Plus OP you have written proof via text. Hardly he said she said.

Swrigh1234 · 12/05/2023 21:58

Sorry OP, you have allowed them to treat you like a door mat.

Are you going to tell us now that you are still going to invite them around for dinner?

Crikeyalmighty · 12/05/2023 22:00

Just wow!!

OctopusComplex · 12/05/2023 22:02

They decided to buy a new house.

They decided to start a new business.

They decided to invite you over for dinner (and cook something expensive).

In what world is any of this something you should pay for?

Just shocked by both of you.

Completely understand why you feel so squeamish about it, but, seriously, how have you let them get away with this?