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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for our own food - dinner party

438 replies

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 18:19

we were invited to a friends house for dinner. Took a bottle of good wine with us, we wouldn’t ever go empty handed.

had a good meal, but they sent us a message after asking for money for each person! I thought this was crazy and I would never ask anyone to pay for their food if I invited them over!

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? We’ve already arranged to have them to ours in a few weeks time and I’m not asking them
for anything!

OP posts:
Verbena17 · 13/05/2023 00:31

Surely they would have been better off doing a pot-luck supper type event, where everyone brings something to pool. Would have made it fun and not awkward as it has turned out.

itsrainin · 13/05/2023 00:39

This is something I might have expected when I was at university but not as a proper adult. I always have people over and realise that yes, my food/drink will be used with no reimbursement, but that’s okay. I think everything should be for with consent, so they should have told you at the time of invite and even given you the opportunity to consider the budget. Ie had you known, you might have advised them to go for cheaper options.

user1492757084 · 13/05/2023 00:40

Learn from it.
Pay if you wish to remain friends.
Teach them a lesson by NOT asking them to pay for your food.

In future, if they invite you to theirs - ascertain whether you are paying and only go if not.

Also, treat it as a joke. Laugh about it at your dinner party.

You will all only get over that terrible behaviour if you can have a jolly laugh and still be friends.

Are they very young?
Could one of the hosts have acted without their spouse knowing?

ringsaglitter · 13/05/2023 00:57

Who's the 1% who clicked the "you are being unreasonable" button lol

If I go to the party, then after get asked for money, I'd feel tricked tbh. If they wanted money, at least say before I attend

Bedbouncer · 13/05/2023 01:02

If I got such a message, I would assume I had done something highly offensive at the dinner party. If I hadn't, I would be perplexed at the CFery. Either way, I wouldn't pay up. As an aside, my Dutch partner states that this is NOT normal in The Netherlands.

Irecan · 13/05/2023 01:02

This happened to me before, it was my first dinner party (Christmas actually, I was living abroad) as I come from a culture where dinner parties/ hosting is uncommon. I totally thought it was normal until I tried to give another friend money after she hosted and she thought I was barking mad 😂

sausage767 · 13/05/2023 01:07

I would not have an issue with this if it was the expectation prior to arranging the dinner.

It’s certainly not the norm in my circle, but has happened on occasion when we’ve been arranging dinner parties around certain very expensive ingredients - eg when a friend sourced some particular truffles, or a lobster feast.

But just a regular dinner, and not discussed before… cheeky.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 13/05/2023 02:10

okay so - we’ve already paid. It was too awkward not too. I hate confrontation

Yes and they know it, which is why they expected to get away with this

itsrainin · 13/05/2023 02:47

StarbucksSmarterSister · 13/05/2023 02:10

okay so - we’ve already paid. It was too awkward not too. I hate confrontation

Yes and they know it, which is why they expected to get away with this

Not quite got away with it…OP can send them an invoice the next time they visit and return the favour 😄

ChiefPearlClutcher · 13/05/2023 03:11

I see you already paid - I would have done too at the request for money but I would make my excuses for when you invited them over and keep a distance from now onwards.

Really bizarre behaviour. Cringing on their behalf.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 13/05/2023 04:13

I wouldn't pay and I'd never speak to them again. I love hosting and usually over-cater because I love to cook, so I could never be friends with anyone so tight.

Clementinesucks · 13/05/2023 04:38

I also can’t believe you’ve paid but now you have, I’d be coming down with a bug the day before the return dinner and I would not be rescheduling.

Blueblell · 13/05/2023 04:48

It will be interesting to see if they take you up on your invitation? They have created an awkward situation now where at least part of them must expect you to charge them for dinner when they come to you. If they are short of money they won’t come.

Nandocushion · 13/05/2023 04:54

Yet again on MN I wonder what is in the water over there to make British people behave like this. NOT the CFs - they exist in every place everywhere - but the meek victims who think any kind of confrontation whatsoever, even a mild expression of surprise, is a fate worse than death.

I'm baffled that the OP thought that questioning this was too awkward, but being asked for the money wasn't.

OP I have no doubt that your mutual friends would have been equally shocked to hear of this - that is, if they didn't have similar stories to tell themselves.

ThatFraggle · 13/05/2023 05:23

Kennykenkencat · 13/05/2023 00:10

I dont think these people are your friends and it would be weird having them over

If they try this type of thing on other friends they will quickly find themselves not in the group no matter how sparkling their personality is

Maybe they rely on politeness and mortification. From the wider circle of friends maybe they've made a grand & funded a little holiday.

OP needs to shine a light on this and make it public among friends. CFs get away with it through polite silence.

Star a group chat called 'Hospitality'. Add 4/5 couples who socialise with them. Say 'the oddest thing happened. We went round to dinner at Bob and Linda's and afterwards they sent us a bill for the food. We didn't have any unpleasantness/arguments before that and had brought a decent bottle of wine with us. We were wondering if this has happened with anyone else?'

JauntyRedShoes · 13/05/2023 05:24

It’s mind boggling. What an awkward scenario. I think laughter would have been my first response, then a strange kind of acknowledgment to myself at the sheer neck of them. I’d keep the invite open and host them (no cost) and see how the evening, situation pans out for sociological interest. Let us know how it goes. I’d be tempted to make a joke of it during the evening.

yourenottheboss · 13/05/2023 05:32

Send a message saying that you won't be paying as you hadn't been made aware in advance.

I'd also say that if you'd known you would have preferred to have gone out to a restaurant instead!

If they persist, ask them to send you a copy of the receipts (but still don't pay)!

yourenottheboss · 13/05/2023 05:34

Just seen you've already paid!

This would be the end of my friendship with them!

Girlking · 13/05/2023 07:09

Wow ! They have got some nerve to ask you to pay for a supper they cooked for you!
I’m astounded you actually paid as if this was ok and normal.
I would not want to be friends with people who could do this.
Cheeky fuckery at it’s finest!

Sandunesandseashells · 13/05/2023 07:55

ringsaglitter · 13/05/2023 00:57

Who's the 1% who clicked the "you are being unreasonable" button lol

If I go to the party, then after get asked for money, I'd feel tricked tbh. If they wanted money, at least say before I attend

I think they’ve voted that OP was unreasonable to have paid up. My vote would be different by the end of the thread for that reason

RedRosette2023 · 13/05/2023 07:59

Don’t have them to yours OP.

Bunnichick · 13/05/2023 08:06

But if they are coming to yours why would you pay them?

I'd have just said. Thanks for letting us know. As you will be coming here next time how about we call it even?

I'm sorry but on what planet do they think this is ok and why would you just transfer it? Are you still having them over to yours?

Also I am wondering who did the text come from? Is it possible there is something going on between the two of them eg husband annoyed about how much they spend on her friends' dinner? I am speculating but it seems so odd.

WimpoleHat · 13/05/2023 08:15

I have some sympathy with the OP not wanting to look tight herself and not wanting to be drawn into a row about money. Honestly, I think I’d have paid up too. But I wouldn’t be having them back to my house! Send a breezy text, along the lines of “so sorry, something has come up which means we need to cancel the 14th - apologies for any inconvenience”. And then take a big step back….

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 13/05/2023 08:38

at that point, were we meant to contribute? Were they asking for money and we were just being stupid?

No you are normal not stupid. They are the weirdos.

You say they’re great people- sorry, I don’t know them, but I’d be distancing myself from them after this. And suddenly finding that if had to change my plans about the dinner arty I’d invited them to.

Or perhaps passive aggressively also doing steak etc and not charging them. Because the very idea is so distasteful.

The only thing that I might wonder about is, as a couple, taking only 1 bottle of wine. Couples do this sort of thing - think of themselves as one unit.

When I go to a dinner party I generally take 2 bottles ( I’m single so it’s just me) - not that I would drink as much as even 1 bottle! But one for sharing that night and one for the hosts to drink later.

Users37 · 13/05/2023 09:36

itsrainin · 13/05/2023 02:47

Not quite got away with it…OP can send them an invoice the next time they visit and return the favour 😄

Show quote history

I'd put money on them not paying though.