To not want MIL at the hospital

[user1086]

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

You hope that a random woman is going through trauma and septic shock so that her mother can visit her? Weird.

There's nothing to stop him fucking off to McDonald's if it's so traumatic for the poor helpless man baby.

Fuck me, the absolute shit that women come out with.

Op has had her body ripped open and nearly died. But yeah. Awful for him. Let's make sure we don't "minimise his trauma"

It sounds like neither your DP or his mother have really thought about your feelings or needs, this needs addressing, but I understand that you want to wait until you feel stronger to do it. Can your mother have a word with them and try to get them to see things from the point of view of you being sick in hospital and needing help and support rather than it being an exciting time to visit a new baby?
I hope you recover quickly.

Her mil doesn't need to 'pop in for 10 minutes'.she doesn't need to be there at all. It doesn't matter how 'desperate to be involved' she is. It's not about her.

Would love to have my mum as my main visitor but think that would just make things worse as DP would probably take that badly

this is concerning. Your partner sounds like a childish, abusive bully.

This!

YOU are a patient. It’s not a question of visiting the baby, of whom they are both GMs, it’s a question of visiting you, who are very unwell and could have died.

I can’t see how your DH is able to be so unreasonable. Does he not realise what happened?

would she visit if baby wasn’t there and it was just you? if so, she can fuck off.

What's your mum like? Could she lay it on thick for MIL? Catering to your every need, telling you how brave you've been, walking MIL out to the car so she can tell MIL how hard it's been on you? Not in an antagonistic way because that won't help you, but in a "Gosh Mary, I can't believe how close we came to losing her, you know it happens but you don't think it'll happen to your child. I hope you never have to go through that with <DH>. I just want her to get better so we can all relax and enjoy the baby." type way. Might help get the message through that this is not a normal post partum situation.

Well done, OP. I’m sorry your partner isn’t protecting you better, and I hope it’s a one-off from shock/helplessness/MIL pouring poison in his ear, and not a precursor to how things are going to be long-term.

And I’m glad you get your mum with you all day! Hopefully she can lay down the law with your MIL that it’s not about either of the grandmothers, it’s about YOU.

hopefully your dm can say something to your mil

i wouldnt have let her back at all but i understand you dont need the stress

Of course you want your own mum; any MIL is also a mum and should perfectly understand that.

Hold your ground with MIL and DH because this is where you set the boundary for MIL in coming years.

She does not make your choices for you; and she will not be allowed to play the injured victim to get her own way. DH also needs to learn this early on.

Agree

Fuck me. 'An outsider' You're four days in. She needs to calm the fuck down.

She has years and years to enjoy the baby. Right now you are both sick and getting medical treatment. She is not the focus, and needs to back the fuck off before she does more damage to your relationship with her.

Birth happens to the woman. She wants her mother around. On its face maybe that feels 'unfair' to the paternal grandmother. But how fair did it feel when your body was put through hell and nearly died? Birth isn't fair. Everyone needs to get back in their box and realise their role is to support you.

When you're better, I honestly think you should go to relationship counseling with DH and nip this bullshit in the bud. He needs to step up for you when it comes to his family.

It's sadder still when new mothers are treated as third-class citizens. Women are not mere vessels for the production of grandchildren, nor are they receptacles for the needs of others. They are people.

OP is the patient. She is very ill and has just been through a highly traumatic and serious medical experience. Of course it's down to her alone to assert her own preferences as to how her recovery should progress, and who she wants with her to help this happen with the least possible amount of further trauma to her. If her DP isn't backing her to the hilt with this, then his priorities need a quick and very radical reappraisal.

This is not about OP's MiL. It's about OP.

It's sadder still when new mothers are treated as third-class citizens. Women are not mere vessels for the production of grandchildren, nor are they receptacles for the needs of others. They are people.

This. It's like you have a baby and suddenly you can be bleeding out on the floor but as log as the baby is okay, everything is hunky dory. Drives me crazy.

This is the best response. Say this to him.

Same. This type of stuff is the reason more mothers are putting off having visitors when some can’t think past their own wants to see a newborn instead of having any consideration to the woman who carried and birthed the baby in the first place.

I've read your updates @user1086 and I really would urge you to speak with the nursing staff about your visitors and how exhausting they are (particularly your MiL). You might even be able to get them to politely ask your MiL to leave you as you need to rest and recuperate.

Is your MiL staying with your DH in your home or does she go home to her own place every evening?
She'll be popping around every 5 minutes once you are discharged from hospital so think about that part of your recovery and maternity leave too.

I didn’t want visitors. So my husband took the baby out and sat with his mum while she was here and I slept. That’s a good compromise.

Sat in the seating area in the ward, to be clear.

Hi OP,
Hope today is a better day for you with your mum there to take care of you ❤️
One thing it took me a long time to realise with my mil was that even though she felt helpless or desperate to be involved it was very very selfish of her to put that pressure on to me when I was vulnerable. She is a full grown woman and needs to respect the boundaries now so that you can trust her in the future. When you feel strong enough you probably will have to deal with the issue with her or DP but I hope for now you can just enjoy your new baby and focus on getting better.
If DP continues to argue by WhatsApp just mute him or block him. I had to do similar with my DP when our babies were born as he was acting similar to your partner. He got over it, he apologised eventually - when I was strong enough to fight that battle.
It's crap that as mothers we have to fight any battles for boundaries and acknowledgement of the trauma we suffer having babies and as a mother herself mil should be well aware of the need to respect you and your wishes x

OP, it was very kind of you to allow your MIL to visit. But I think you need to be very careful from here on and set VERY strong boundaries with your husband and MIL so that this does not set a precedent.

I had a very similar situation when my DC was born. I gave in to my DP, but my relationship with MIL hasn’t been the same since, and I still feel resentful about her interference now.

Your husband needs a serious wake-up call, or I fear this will cause big problems in future.

@user1086 your mil is a very selfish person. It’s all about her isn’t it?
Hope you and your babe recover quickly. A big hug from me and 💐

Of course you want your mum. Mil and DP are being ridiculously selfish. Hope you feel better soon

@user1086

I'm so sorry you're being put through such stress by these thoughtless people who are supposed to love you.

But:

I'm focusing on recovering and minimising my stress, so I've asked the ward manager if my mum can visit all day and MIL have the hour slot.

and

I've told DP he'll have to visit tomorrow. He's probably a bit annoyed but he'll just have to get over it and be grateful his mum is coming to visit because if it was up to me, she wouldn't be coming at all.

WELL DONE! You've absolutely done the right thing, will have your own mother to care and advocate for you as you should have been up to this point by your foolish partner.

Your MIL is very lucky you are giving her regular time - and I know your own mother will ensure she doesn't try and trample your boundaries, manhandling you or emotionally or she can go too.

Best wishes to you and your baby for your recovery. 🌹