To not want MIL at the hospital

[user1086]

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

This. As is often the way one of the first comments on a thread nails it. You want your mum because you are really sick. This is not about meeting the baby. You need your husband to understand this and explain it to his mum. If she is usually kind and understanding she'll understand. Even if she is a bit disappointed at not seeing baby so much.

Baby's not welded to you tho. Surely your MIL can come to door of ward and your husband take baby to her for even half-hour? If not - why?

I'm as far from an attachment parent as you'll get these days, kids in fulltime nursery from 9 months etc.

At a week old, DH let PIL take DC1 for a walk to the end of the road and back in the buggy and I cried. So not like me, and I knew she'd be fine, but that need to have your baby with you can be very strong in those early days. And that was without the trauma OP has been through.

Erm similar situation when I had our twins last year. But hard tho it was in my head we divided time equally between both grandma's visiting as they both deserve to be treat the same tbh

Why on earth should she have to facilitate MIL’s wishes at a time like this?

“You don't have to be this involved and it's not just about you” - this sounds more applicable to the overbearing MIL than to OP.

What is it with bonkers mils who seem to forget that the dil is actually a patient in the hospital sick. Just because there happens to be a baby with her doesn’t mean the mother is even visiting to see the baby. She’s seeing her own sick child in the hospital who happens to have her child also with her.

Like mil cares that ops is I’ll no just wah wah it’s not fair. Good on you for giving up dhs places for his mother though. Maybe he will think a bit on the basis that he can’t push out someone actually giving a shit and caring about you so his mummy can have things fair 🙄.

I second getting your mother to have a frank mother to mother chat make snap since sense into the idiot.

if it was up to me, she wouldn't be coming at all

@user1086 You need to say no to the MIL. Only have your DP and mum as visitors because they’re the only ones who will look after you and the baby. Your MIL is only there for selfish reasons. Please say no and tell the midwives to keep MIL away.

If you don’t establish firm boundaries now then they will forever be blurred. MIL will always get her own way if she throws a strop and always wins.

Another one echoing every word of this. My eldest is now a teenager and I have never fully forgotten or forgiven my mil's appalling behaviour when she was born, nor my fil and dh for facilitating and allowing it, rather than protecting me from it.

👎🏻

You're wrong.

The baby is on antibiotics, very possibly on a machine administerinf the dose (my youngest was when she had sepsis markers). It's unnecessary drama because the MIL can't have some patience and understand that her DIL and grandchild are currently very poorly and normal visits can commence when they are in a normal situation.

@DeeCeeCherry the baby is also on medication and under care of the medics so no, the baby can’t be trotted out to the front door to appease a demanding and overbearing MIL who believes she has a right to access the newborn baby.

The MIL needs to get back in her box. This isn’t about her. It’s about a woman, who is a new mother, and who was very unwell during and after a traumatic birth, and her unwell baby, bonding and getting better, in whatever way they choose.

It’s not about anyone else. Not the father, and certainly not his mother.

You sound like one of the overbearing MILs.

Baby should be metaphorically welded to its mother at this early stage. It's what they need, the familiar heartbeat and voice.

@user1086 if is up to you who visits. The difference I had with DH is that he was equally firm with his mother. But regards visiting you if you don't want her to come make it clear.

As the baby as well as the mother are on antibiotics, due to illness, I'm pretty sure that taking the baby off the ward so a mad MIL can get their hands on the baby is not possible. I really don't understand what part of 'being ill' is not understood.

I can’t believe you’ve had suggestions to send baby down to MIL for an hour! Also saddened to see how common this problem is, what is it that drives in-laws to behave like this?

I have my own sorry tale of an overbearing step-MIL. I had a long labour ending in EMCS, sepsis pathway, catheter for bladder issues, etc for several days. The way my in law behaved totally ruined any hope of a good future relationship. I didn’t allow them to visit for a week, and by that point I still felt like I’d been run over.

I’m sure your main priority is your new little baby, who needs you to be healthy, physically and mentally. Don’t allow this woman to inhibit your recovery. You and your baby are the most important people in this situation.

To all the PPs wondering why can't the baby be separated from its mum so MIL can see it/why can't MIL just visit regardless of what OP wants, and even the delightful "it's not all about you" to a poorly new mum with a poorly new baby 🤔....

Why can't MIL just wait? Why do her "wants" trump the needs of OP and her baby?

Because actually, it's not about her at all. It's about a mother and baby who are recovering and trying to recuperate and bond. Any visitors should solely be there to support the two of them, and if they're not supporting then they can just bloody well wait for a few days. OP's DH is there to be with his child and support his wife (not that he's doing great at it), and OP's mum is there to support her daughter during an incredibly difficult and stressful time. MIL has met the baby and now needs to back off and let everyone recover

This thread makes me realise how good my dds mil was when she was desperately I’ll after birth, and her dh. I cared for dd and baby and dh and mil helped but dh couldn’t visit as he decided I was better as designated person so he came to window instead. It was a dreadful time, such a shame for dd and dh but we got through it

I seriously think some women on here would rather chop their baby in half to make it fair on the poor men than do what is best for not only them but baby too! I know women have been conditioned to please men and act like second class citizens but come on it's 2023, it's OK to consider you own needs, and your childrens before your husbands!

Some of the responses here are wild.
OP’s needs and wants aren’t secondary to precious MIL. It’s not a universal right for anyone to see the newborn baby immediately and as often as they want. And to “compromise” and take a poorly baby out of the ward so MIL can get her way? What is wrong with people!
OP you focus on recovery for now but I definitely wouldn’t let this slide once you’re home safe and sound. You will probably have to deal with the type of MIL who lets herself in unannounced, wakes up the baby so she can “play with it”, and count her time vs. your mum’s time with the baby to make sure she’s not getting less. 🙄

Chill. Nobody ‘needs’ to do anything. It was a suggestion.

Read OP’s posts! She literally says:

I would be fine with this but the baby cannot leave the ward.

Both OP and baby are having antibiotics, surely you know what they do and they don’t just give those to just anyone especially a newborn baby. Plus, MIL’s behaviour from her last visit only gave more reason why OP doesn’t want her there. Nevertheless, OP decides to give MIL the hour and her mother will be the main visitor.

This is all that needs to be said.

Blimey, your partner is totally insensitive to the needs of a mum who has had a traumatic time. He needs telling! Give your all day pass to your mum, and he, or his mum, can have the one hour slot. Who, when they're still poorly and adjusting, doesn't want their mum there? MIL probably only wants to see the baby, not you anyway, unlike your mum who will be worried about you and your recovery first.

Tell him the old trout who dragged him up can see the bairn on his contact days, because if she (and he by proxy) keep going on like this, that's how it's going to end up.

I’d be asking one of the nurses to give BOTH of them a piece of her mind for upsetting you so much. Bastards!!!

What an unpleasant comment.