To not want MIL at the hospital

[user1086]

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

I think you've misunderstood my post completely.

That was my point.

OP's MIL and H are being absolute dicks. I hope they change very quickly because otherwise she's going to have a bloody hard time over the next few years. (Been there, done that.)

She doesn't need to compromise.

The baby needs to stay on the ward, anyway. But OP and her baby have been through an extremely traumatic time, and she doesn't need to 'compromise' with a couple of selfish, childish dickwads who don't give a damn about her wellbeing.

Your partner is a problem here not standing up for you, but defending his mummy instead. If he was OK, you wouldn't even know about MIL drama.

If MIL attempts to interfere in breastfeeding again I'd bloody lamp her one.

What a spoilt brat interfering old cow.

My PIL kicked off like this in the hospital.

They continued in that fashion. 'Popping in' almost every day and if I wasn't home, texting me expecting me to immediately return home with the baby. Waking the newborn up if they wanted to 'play' with him. Letting themselves in with a key if I didn't answer the door. Around the 7 week mark, angry that he wasn't smiling at them when he'd smiled at my parents. Ignoring anything I asked about how to care for the baby, they weren't going to be 'told how to be grandparents' Stroppy if I visited my own parents and didn't 'even' it out by visiting them. Threw an absolute fit because the church I booked for the baptism was 15 minutes closer to my parents house than their house. We had to change the whole plan for them. Sulked when he was almost one and more interested in playing with my friend's one year old than them. Insisted I have a child-free first birthday so that my son wouldn't be 'distracted' by his baby friends. I had to uninvite people I was actually friends with because DH didn't want the drama.

DH just allowed it to go on (he was happily at work and unbothered by it) and I was deep in the fog of PNA and thought I just had to appease them to keep them calm.

When you are well OP- start setting boundaries with this woman and let her sulk and cry. Start as you mean to go on and Hold your line. Don't waste your maternity leave trying to please this selfish woman, who will definitely not turn her mind to pleasing you in return.

Apologies if our wires got crossed.

I was adding my voice to your disagreement with the former poster - quoted first - who suggested mothers-in-law in these situations were being treated as second-class citizens.

Sorry if this came across as unclear!

When DD1 was born she wasn't too well. All grandparents had had a visit. MIL was so possessive wanting to hold DD despite being told by midwife no one was to pick her up. Day 3 we finally had a diagnosis (potentially serious) I knew mil was on her way and knew I could not cope with her at that point. DH intervened and sent her home and also called my mum who gave him the pep talk of his life and was so supportive. He was not used to mothers who don't make everything about them. When my mum visited I told her some of the things mil had said that upset me ( that she finally had her girl, what I could've done in pregnancy to cause the issue). My mum said "just you leave her to me". I have no idea what was said but mil dialled it right back (temporarily anyway).
I hope your day with DM is restorative and I'm quite sure she'll have your back.

No problem at all - I thought we were in agreement!

When my mum visited I told her some of the things mil had said that upset me ( that she finally had her girl, what I could've done in pregnancy to cause the issue).

Creepily, my MIL said exactly the same thing to me - that she'd "finally got what she always wanted, a perfect little girl".

My daughter being born was the catalyst for her having a major psychological breakdown IN MY FLAT at four days post-partum. She also tried to convince me to go out for dinner with my husband and leave the baby with her at the same point. FOUR DAYS after giving birth.

It is a really shit thing when mothers/mothers-in-law make the birth of their grandchild all about them.

Mum 100%

Sorry not sorry

Tell dh you not only want you r mum . You neeeed her.
Tell him how you feel. And tell him you are going tohave your mum there every single day until you can go home
Leave no room for questions

Even flag it with the nurses
The fact he is angry with you is a huge red flag for your relationship and his respect (lack there of) for you

OP, perhaps you should point out to your DH that he and his mother are actively poisoning your relationship with them from now on. That if they want to play happy families in the future, this very much isn't the way to go about it.

You are a queen amongst MILs!

😱"overbearing" isn't a strong enough adjective to describe her and her behaviour.

Ten years from now you will regret not standing up for yourself and be resentful towards your dp !

So stand up for yourself NOW
And ten years from now you will feel proud that you stood up for yourself and laugh at the fact that your partner was such a selfish dick that argued and got angry over you choosing you

Choose wisely op
You dont have a do-over for this precious time

Agreed

Guess it makes a change from my MIL who pulled my boob OUT of my baby's mouth when I was trying to latch her on. Apparently the baby needed burping.

No, she needed feeding. And she needed her mum. Not her psycho grandmother trotting around the room whacking her on the back.

@Anniegetyourgun you sound like the world's most wonderful mil. 🥰

I had a similar experience, sepsis risk, blood loss needing transfusion, ended up in hdu, I would of been fuming if my husband insisted his mother came to visit. I was in for a week and had my mum visit me because she's my mum and I was very unwell. Your husband is being unreasonable for being an arse about this.

(Mil did contribute to our stay in hospital though with some very funky cheese, onion and red pepper sandwiches which swiftly went in the bin and husband was sent out for edible food)

@AsphaltGirl What the actual fuck...

And I thought it was bad enough that my MIL on not one, not two, but THREE separate occasions refused to hand my tiny daughter back over to me and actually shrunk away from me and pinned her to her chest...

I wonder how our lovely MILs would've acted if their own MILs had acted similarly?

This.

There's much from my daughter's early days I regret, and it's mostly due to me not having stood up to my MIL sooner (and my husband being unable to say "no" to her until fairly recently).

This!

I wish someone had told me this when my DC was little.

Baby's not welded to you tho. Surely your MIL can come to door of ward and your husband take baby to her for even half-hour? If not - why?

There can't be an issue with baby being near visitors. After all, your mum's there. Baby has 2 parents. 2 grandmothers. Let your H facilitate baby seeing paternal grandmother - which is who she is, not just 'MIL' whilst you get on with recovering in hospital, and being cared for by your Mum. You don't have to be this involved and it's not just about you

Honestly, the unecessary drama! Fuelled by some really silly troublemaking point-scoring replies on here.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this and all the best for a speedy recovery. I'm particularly sorry that at this time when you're unwell and recovering from a traumatic birth, that your DP and MiL are both being knobs. When you said "if it was up to me" - that's the point OP, it really should be up to you. I'd be inclined to say another your DP nor MIL can visit, only your mum, until they learn to behave. The fact that this whole ridiculous issue exists, and as you say is causing you stress, is precisely why neither of them should be visiting.

Very best wishes for a speedy recovery OP and hope you and your DD are home soon (and your DP steps up to the plate).

Four days after birth a lot of women do feel like their baby is “welded” to them, though. Particularly after a majorly traumatic experience such as the OP’s. Some might want the break, some might want the baby in sight (I couldn’t bear for my baby to be in the pram in the early days, he was too far from me) – especially when both mother and baby are quite poorly. Sepsis isn’t drama; being upset by your MIL yanking your tits around isn’t drama. Use of language like “welded” is, though. The baby is a patient in hospital, not a dolly to be carried to the door of the ward to suit the whims of a woman who is behaving atrociously. Why can’t she just bloody WAIT?

YANBU! What the fuck is wrong with your partner and where the fuck does his mother get off putting her hands on your breast 😡
Tell her if she does that again you'll consider it assault.

Congratulations on your baby, wishing both of you a speedy recovery.

I've asked the ward manager if my mum can visit all day and MIL have the hour slot.

Good for you.

Let him give up his time for his Mum.