To not want MIL at the hospital

[user1086]

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

I’m sorry this happened to you and I have a similar experience after my first DD was born, PIL moving into ours (they live far away) before I even got home from hospital, claiming to be helping (not really), then inviting million other relatives over a few days later. I’m still angry just thinking about it.

No, nobody has a “right” to be there, not MIL, not anyone else. It’s not a requirement to let everyone see the baby right away, certainly not in the hospital. Whatever happened with respecting mother’s wishes.

I think your MIL and husband are actually being really selfish. You have just gone through a momentous and traumatic experience and need people around you to be supportive. Sure it's probably difficult for your husband, but at the end of the day, you are the one in hospital, injured and vulnerable and you need what you need. If he dares to have a go at you then I would be having a go right back at him for being so unsupportive of you in your most vulnerable time. If your MiL feels jealous, she needs to have a good look at herself and get over herself. This is not about her and all she is doing is damaging her relationship with you which is not going to make you feel like spending more time visiting with her when you're well.

He's in a bag mood with you, under these circumstances? He's a pig.

OP, firstly I have been in a similar situation to you, birth-wise. PPH, sepsis. It is very traumatic and you must go very easy on yourself. It may well take you some time to psychologically recover, never mind the physical stuff!

My parents came to the hospital briefly the following day - my mother was hysterical (she's a worrier but to be fair it was a scary situation) and wanted to be reassured I was ok. I did not have my in laws at all. They did not even suggest they should come, nor would my former partner have allowed it. I was in intensive care for the first couple of days. Your partner should have your back, he is behaving badly.

Please, please confide in your mum and a trusted member of staff. You are vulnerable, and this could set you up for a more difficult recovery psychologically.

It really matters, how other people behave around pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum. The impact can be long-lasting.

You are not a vessel for MIL's precious grandchild. You are not a vessel for your DP's child. You are a person in your own right, and also your baby's mother, and you matter so much.

I really wish you and your baby all the best for your recovery. And just to reassure you, it feels like forever when you're in hospital in this situation, but this too shall pass and all will be well again.

You are not being unreasonable. Can you phone your mother in law and explain? She would have to be a right cow not to understand.

Congrats on your baby! It must seem very overwhelming at the moment but I'm sure you will be home soon enough.

The fact that the baby frankly won't notice any difference if their nan visits for an hour in hospital or not, whilst OP who has been through a traumatic experience and is still very unwell will suffer from losing her 1 hour visit with her mum? That's what one hour is in this situation, OP is absolutely not being unreasonable. When mum and baby are home, then MIL can visit and have all the baby cuddles she wants but right now, OP is unwell and her needs actually do trump the 'need' for MIL to have a cuddle with the baby. I don't know why that even needs to be said, women are not incubators ffs, they should be respected after childbirth regardless, let alone when they are seriously unwell.

My FIL visited me in HDU (against my wishes) 2 days after I had an emergency c-section because me and my baby nearly died and I'd had to be blue lighted to hospital (really fun time for me) and proceeded to question if I'd really needed that c-section. I WISH I had told him where to go but I was vulnerable, unable to even get to my baby and my partner wasn't even there to hear it. People need to respect the mothers wishes.

Why should a postpartum woman with sepsis have to be the one to phone the pushy MIL? The flying monkey som should do it, but he’s spectacularly failing to put his wife’s health and comfort above his mother’s demands.

Precisely. Far from phoning MIL in these circumstances I’d be blocking her number and letting the midwives know she wasn’t on the visitors list. If my partner had a peep to say about it I’d switch to making my mum the main visitor and him the once a day one. Recovery is priority.

Oh Op think about yourself & what you want.

Your partner is an absolute disgrace bothering you with his Mum's mitherings.

If you don't make a fuss now he'll be forever putting his mum first as it's the easiest thing to do.

Are you actually saying that if you nearly died and were in hospital and you were having to learn how to care for a baby for the first time that you would want someone else's mum wirh you rather than your own mum? Because if you are, I genuinely don't believe you. That isn't treating someone as a second class citizen, when you're bleeding profusely and can't sit up. Don't be ridiculous.

Your MIL land DH can fuck off. This isn’t about coming for newborn cuddles, it’s about supporting you whilst you recover from a traumatic medical emergency. Of course you want your mum to visit more than your MIL.

The baby isn’t even a week old yet and MIL has already had an hour with him. That’s more generous than I would be (I don’t want many hospital visitors because healing from surgery is tough). OP can only have one visitor for an hour each day. Why should she forgo a visit from her own mother who will help OP and the baby just because MIL wants more baby cuddles? MIL clearly doesn’t care about OP. She can wait until mum and baby are safe to go home.

@user1086 please tell the nursing staff that the only visitors you want are your DP and mother. You’re not a zoo animal.

The OP is unwell in hospital, she is a patient, the baby is also unwell and a patient and is being kept close to the mother because this will aid both of their recoveries, as well as helping milk production. The babies needs, and the mothers needs do trump the MILs wishes in this scenario.

The OP hasn't said anything about stopping visits when they are both better that's when they can establish their bond, but right now the only people who need to be bonding with the baby are mum and dad. OPs mother is there to aid her recovery - that's why she is there and not MIL. It has nothing whatsoever to do with not liking MILs or being unfair to them, it has everything to do with a very poorly woman who is only allowed 2 visitors and has therefore chosen the 2 people who will benefit her the most. If she was in for sepsis from a kidney infection nobody would questioning that, just because the sepsis has resulted from childbirth doesn't make the illness any less horrific.

Aww OP sending big hugs! Those early days are so hard and emotional without the traumatic birth and this added stress.
Could you facetime MIL? Or explain your situation to a lovely nurse and ask if there's any chance MIL could pop in for just 10 minutes! I do think your DP and MIL are being unfair on you, of course you want your own mum there, that's only natural and one day it might be your DD and she'll just want her mum too! I'm sure your MIL is just desperate to be involved and feeling a bit helpless just now. Hopefully you get home soon!

Have you ever had sepsis? I can assure you it takes a lot longer than 3 days to be feeling better and that's without the added trauma of childbirth on top. She is feeling vulnerable hence not telling MIL to get off her, the baby is poorly will be likely be contributing the poor latch and honestly it would be far more beneficial to mother and baby to let them rest than it would be to focus on breastfeeding. Stress impacts milk supply, so it's rather counterproductive anyway.

MILs like that need nipping in the bud or they'll keep being a nightmare.

Ask your dp if he'd had a horrendous accident with his arse ripped open then developing sepsis, would he want your dad popping in regularly?

She needs to give you space. Dp needs to be the one to sort her out. Maybe regular baby pics would help. But it's not her baby and she isn't entitled to see it, especially not when you're ill and need rest.

Hi everyone, thank you all so much for your lovely messages and well wishes (well, most of you!)

Didn't have the energy to speak on the phone to DP last night, but ended up having a very angry WhatsApp exchange after posting on here. He is still of the opinion that his mum is being "pushed out" and made to feel like an "outsider". She has really got into his head as prior to this, DP had no issue with my mum being here. There's probably a bigger issue here that I'll have to address at some point, but for now I'm focusing on recovering and minimising my stress, so I've asked the ward manager if my mum can visit all day and MIL have the hour slot.

That sounds like a good idea. When will you DP visit though if your DM is your main visitor and MIL has the one hour slot?

DP can visit the child day when he's stopped acting like a child.

Absolutely focus on getting better OP but I wouldn't be able to forget DH behaving this way at such a fragile time and prioritising his mother's feelings over yours

I've told DP he'll have to visit tomorrow. He's probably a bit annoyed but he'll just have to get over it and be grateful his mum is coming to visit because if it was up to me, she wouldn't be coming at all.

Yup, all of this.

Well done for standing your ground OP.

I don't blame you and if they continue to stress you out during such a difficult and vulnerable time then i'd tell both him and MIL not to come to the hospital at all. Protect your sanity at a time like this, can't believe he's putting his Mum before you after all you've been through. You need to nip it in the bud now or expect years of this type of behaviour.

So he’d be happy with your mum visiting him post-penis surgery then?

what’s his response to that ?

I’m sorry he’s so selfish and unsupportive 🙁

Op I had this and the very last thing I wanted would have been any visitors (except for dp). The pain I was in was ungodly. I couldn’t walk to the bathroom alone and needed help with everything. I feel so sorry for you because I know how dreadful a bad tear is. They had me on insane pain relief for mine which helped but also had me in la la land. I could barely mind the baby at the time and was nodding off sporadically. Please hold your ground and If needs be ask a nurse to chat to your dh, they will have no issue politely telling him you are in a bad way and he is being a brat about it!!! You need caring for not stress. I want to say to you also, I thought I would never ever get back to normal, but I did. It took time and a lot of extra care at clinic but in most cases you will heal even when it feels like you won’t. The blood loss thing is awful too. I remember being literally weak as a kitten and could barely lift my head. The last thing you need is your MIL bothering you now.

Well done, OP.

Shame your DP is not putting your well being first.

Focus on your recovery and don't let them stress you out.

I wish you and your baby a speedy recovery