unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

Yes isn’t it funny how the bereaved colleague is upset and in a state and has people flocking, yet she’s NEVER unloaded on to anyone, ever and the 24yo only knows about the bereavement because it was announced in a meeting.

I have a very, very hard time believing that a 24yo would randomly for no reason tell a bereaved colleague what she allegedly told her.

Whats likely happened is: OP is good friends with bereaved colleague and has the mental capacity to help. She doesn’t mind and can’t see why anyone else wouldn’t mind.

One or more colleagues have offloaded to 24yo to say they find bereaved colleague’s behaviour triggering and she’s gone “Ill have a word for you” (it’s what I’d do on behalf of a colleague as I don’t mind difficult conversations).

OP has called her callous.

Fin.

I strongly suspect the 24yo’s boundaries ARE being pushed though.

It doesn’t sound like everyone has an individual office but shared offices. Meaning the 24yo may have to be exposed to traumatic conversations while she tries to work. And she tried to go about it in a sensitive way.

I mean Gen Z are a PITA to manage at work, recent MN threads have shown this - but I’m really pleased they’re a generation who can actually recognise their boundaries and advocate for themselves.

I suspect what has happened is that 24 year old is aware of people disappearing into bereaved colleague's office from time to time and not coming out quickly, has heard other colleagues talking about it, and has possibly heard bereaved person crying or has seen her visibly upset if she's met her elsewhere in the office. And she's scared that she might be expected to support bereaved person and decided to pre-empt it.

If that's the case, I do think it was rude and presumptuous of her - she has no reason to believe bereaved colleague would want her to provide support and, rather than tell colleague what to do, she should simply concentrate on how to react if she does find herself alone with colleague at any time.

I'm not referencing the generation tendencies, I actually think that is across the ages and in some cases it isn't. I have a 16 year old DS who would never say this as he does not lack self-awareness. I think is is dangerous territory to valorise the self-centered and depressing that this is even a consideration amongst many.

I agree that this is probably far closer to the reality.
my issue is that OP has clearly decided she has not unreasonable so why make the post at all.

This is also a reasonable scenario. I still don’t think it was necessarily callously meant though, it could be 24 yo has her own trauma around bereavement that make her unable to face it. People (not you @CabernetSauvignon )seem to be working under the idea that being 24 means she’s just a happy skippy young thing who’s never have had a days grief and that’s just not true for many 24 year olds. I know I had had my share of awful shit by 24 that left me traumatised and completely useless around grief. No one, least of all OP seems to be considering she may have her own reasons for the things she said.

So she suggested the bereaved person check out if the person she was talking to had the capacity work/emotional/otherwise to talk to the upset colleague about their distress.

Alternatively, people who doesn’t have the time or capacity to talk about the bereaved woman’s distress could just not go to the bereaved woman’s office to check in on her and ask how she is.

The OP made it crystal clear that the colleague is not bailing people up in the halls to sob on their shoulders. People who don’t want to deal with it can keep their distance. People who are voluntarily enquiries after her can fairly safely be expected to have some capacity to deal with it.

Everyone in the office has responsibility for setting their own boundaries. The young colleague doesn’t need to set boundaries for everyone else; that’s where she’s overstepping.

24 y/o colleague (YC - Young Colleague) has never experienced profound loss, but is experiencing some kind of reaction to the care and empathy that Lovely Bereaved Colleague (LBC) is receiving from the friends who go to her office to share their support/cups of tea/shoulder to lean on, etc. YC is jealous as they don’t have the depth of connection with the rest of the team as LBC, is watching Phil & Holly and hears a statement that uses psychobabble to define boundaries, thinks “That’ll do….” and in the entitled way younger people expect others to accommodate THEIR feelings, the YC spouts this quote in an attempt to derail the commiserations behind the closed office door of LBC.

@FakeyMcFakeFace or op is the (very sadly ) the bereaved colleague as I cannot understand the huge hatred towards the 24 yo, or the absolute indepth knowledge as to what's going on, when apparently no ones actually talking about anything...

Gen Twat as I call them.

Starts at about 16 and carries on till about 30.

Lovely @HelpMeGetThrough it's always nice to add a bit of agism in there isn't it?

Always a winner

Do you know YC? If not how do you know they’ve never experienced loss?

Fully agreed. And because of the 24 year old's well-meaning desire to address a potential morale-undermining issue, she's being described by OP and others on this thread as a Gen Z reincarnation of Myra Hindley.

I tend to agree with you. The hatred and malice on this thread towards a young colleague who is trying to make her workplace better, goes beyond emotional incontinence and into lunacy imho.

@YouWonJayne Perhaps you should RTFT. OP has stated that the YC has not experienced anything like this.
OP has repeatedly stated that the LBC has not been in a public state, and the people who are consoling her are seeking her out to do so.

Attempting to control the narrative is not well-meaning. It may not be hostile or malicious, but it’s controlling and lacking empathy GIVEN THE CONTEXT OF ALL THE OP’S POSTS.

Well that's just hyperbole. I personally don't think self centered behaviour is a generation thing as I have a Gen Z son of 16 and he doesn't behave in that way. Equally, you have said in your previous posts that the reality of what has happened is probably somewhere between the two sides (I don't agree as the OP is the person who was there and has described the situation, everything else proposed by posters is a fabrication) however you clearly fall down on the 24 year old's side, so not somewhere in the middle at all. You equally are reinforcing ageist stereotypes of your own, inserting, 'young' before colleague suggesting that her age 'is' in fact relevant and that makes her somehow more of a victim, the poor young colleague sentiment...

Are you the 24 year old colleague as this is the outlook the OP is referring to. How can you perceive your colleague's parents dying within weeks of each other as a) anything to comment on- nobody needs to express every thought they ever have! b) a 'morale-undermining issue' oh yes, "how very inconvenient that your parents' have died colleague, it is really putting a downer on the self-indulgent office vibe"🙄

Experiencing loss is part of human existence it is not unique to anyone so how is that relevant?

Sounds like trendy horseshoe theory bullshit - so emotionally right on that you're actually being insensitive and callous. Like being so inclusive you want to boot women out of women's sports. Etc.

How convenient that the 24yo has been open enough to say they’ve never lost anyone and that they have demon like levels of insensitivity for someone they barely even see.

Because another poster says it’s relevant if you haven’t experienced loss

Yes isn’t it funny how the bereaved colleague is upset and in a state and has people flocking, yet she’s NEVER unloaded on to anyone, ever and the 24yo only knows about the bereavement because it was announced in a meeting.

I have a very, very hard time believing that a 24yo would randomly for no reason tell a bereaved colleague what she allegedly told her.

Whats likely happened is: OP is good friends with bereaved colleague and has the mental capacity to help. She doesn’t mind and can’t see why anyone else wouldn’t mind.

One or more colleagues have offloaded to 24yo to say they find bereaved colleague’s behaviour triggering and she’s gone “Ill have a word for you” (it’s what I’d do on behalf of a colleague as I don’t mind difficult conversations).

OP has called her callous.

Fin.

Totally agree with this!