unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

The younger colleague sounds sensible and professional.

Indeed. Nor do I hold with this 'bring your whole self to work' nonsense. There's an appropriate balance which anyone with a modicum of emotional intelligence should be able to strike.

Personally, I prefer to keep myself to myself in the workplace, wear noise-cancelling earphones, and work. I don't engage in gossip. I also don't consider my responsibilities extend to policing others' behaviour when this is far beyond my remit.

Most colleagues take direction from their Line Manager. This is the action Presumptuous Colleague should have taken if she believed there were issues affecting the workplace.

Her behaviour is beyond inappropriate.

"come on old colleague, that's enough grieving for your parents, you really are starting to look very unprofessional with these displays of emotion"🙄

She didn't say that though did she?

Yes, that seems an entirely fair balance!

She didn’t want a second opinion though, did she? Because anyone who remotely disagrees with her is just told they are wrong. What she actually wanted was everyone to be on her side and to pillory a colleague for daring to express an opinion she doesn’t agree with. The op has no scope or willingness to try and see it from younger colleagues POV. or to even consider that just because she feels bereaved colleague is behaving SO perfectly and believes it’s not affecting anyone else, that perhaps others don’t feel that way.

Is this some kind of script outline for a parody on the perpetually self-obsessed!

Why does everyone have to have their say on this person's grief. No comment is necessary.

No, it is a comment on your post.

Yes.

All the younger colleague did was suggest the bereaved colleague seek support by saying 'I'm upset right now, do you have time?" and the person she was talking to be given the opportunity to decide if they could talk and support now or later

Probably in response to the troop of friends coming to see the bereaved colleague through the day to check in on her, holding her hand and letting her cry.

And OP decided that was incredibly selfish and cruel and indicative of a selfish generation who only care about themselves and have too many emotional boundaries.

And numerous posters stuck the boot in and seem to have imagined the young colleague has told the bereaved person to not be sad or upset, to not talk about it ever and is trying to control other people in an inappropriate and callous way.

Which the original post doesn't suggest at all.

The younger colleague made a professional and mature suggestion which did not disregard the bereaved colleagues grief in any way.

And OP sought to come on MN talking about the selfish knobhead she works with and seek support in bullying her online. And she got a lot of support but also people saying she was in the wrong so she flounced

Hmmmm.

Your OP doesn't quite make sense. In para 1 you suggest that your bereaved colleague never proactively takes her grief and upset to colleagues; she waits for people to come to her.

Yet in para 2, your younger colleague seems to be operating on the assumption that she is going up to people wanting to talk, sometimes when they don't have the capacity or emotional wellbeing to take time to hear it.

Is the true situation para 1, para 2 or something in the middle?

Is it possible that complaints have been made / concerns raised about your bereaved colleague that you are not a party to?

Also I think the AIBU depends a lot on what kind of workplace you're all in. A fairly slow, admin type office situ - derailing work to talk about bereavement is fine. A busy A&E, 999 call dispatchers, 24 rolling news strudio - not so apprioriate.

TheOriginalEmu
It's definitely one of those threads where there's an unwillingness to reflect on her own actions and how the friendship group might be affecting colleagues in the workplace.

There's a strong inability/refusal to consider that a group of friends flocking round someone who is (understandably) struggling with a difficult situation might ripple into the workplace.
It's much easier to argue that a colleague who has misjudged expressing their feelings is a younger knobhead of a colleague who is wading into a situation that's super private and doesn't affect them, but at the same time they seem to be very aware of what's going on (more than an announcement in a team meeting would give) than it is to reflect and acknowledge that good intentions of a friendship group might have affected the workplace.

That's the whole point though it is not two contradictory descriptions, it is that the 24 year old colleague has offered ill judged advice on how the grieving colleague should process her grieving in the workplace, when the grieving colleague has not discussed this outside of her friendship circle and only when they have asked. Checking in on a work colleague who happens to be a friend as well when they are grieving is not exactly left field, it is a completely normal level of human interaction.

What kind of person 'complains' about a colleague whose parents have died within weeks of each other. Such a bizarre and cold approach to take.

The OP didn't flounce, they were fed up of the made up scenarios from posters who were not there.

I don't understand your argument why does I matter if their aware of private conversations? So what, you've overheard conversations not for your ears and then what you think that somehow stops you working?

Someone in their late 40s should be able to handle a life crisis or two without unloading it on to everyone at work so I see both sides. It’s not like they’re 18 and inexperienced.

In your very unusual opinion, I would say did you miss the bit about both parents' within weeks but I have come to think many posts have an element of the Pinocchio.

I literally cannot agree with this enough.

In the 1940s people were not weeping and sharing grief in factories and down the mines because they were working. In fact many of them probably dealt with it by ignoring it, drowning their sorrows or leaning on close family.

The workplace is there for work. When I've been at my lowest with life problems, being able to leave my problems at the door and be free of them at work has literally kept me sane.

It's not 'new' or 'weird' or 'inhumane' to not feel able to be a grief counsellor for a colleague. FFS.

But that doesn't make sense.

OP said that her bereaved colleague has a 'separate office' and that her friends, who happen also to be colleagues, take her a 'cuppa during break' so she can 'have a little cry'.

That implies a private(ish) event that is not sought out (and possibly not always welcomed?) by the bereaved colleague.

However the 24 year old's words (or at least as OP, who is undoubtedly biassed, characterises them) heavily imply that the bereaved colleague is approaching colleagues and wishing to share her grief on her own whim, regardless of what the colleagues are doing/feeling at the time.

That is quite different from the private interaction OP described later in the thread when some other posters began questioning her description.

Those are two quite different scenarios which have very different HR implications and levels of apprioriateness.

Which one is correct?

How have you managed to extract that story from the OP. The whole point of the OP is to describe how unnecessary the 24 year old's behaviour was in that there was absolutely no justifiable reason to be the advocate for all this wishing to set their emotional boundaries🙄You reference the 1940's and what times were like unless you were there and can say different, I'm pretty much 💯 that nobody was asserting their emotional boundaries. These terms of reference are very much a symptom of the times we live in.

In the 1940's they were probably preoccupied with either the war which is not going to give a shit about your emotional tenacity and the same in post - war Britain, how are those times comparable to now. Of course people used to lean on their friends for emotional support and that is all the grieving colleague is doing and only when asked. The whole point of the OP is that the 24 year old has no grounds whatsoever to be spouting this nonsense. They are the cringy one as I you really don't need to declare to the world that you and other people have emotional boundaries over topics, just remove yourself from the drama if you think there is one, stop ear wigging and develop some resilience!

Yes, how thoroughly childish to not be able to take the death of not one but both parents in short succession in your stride.

This thread is thoroughly depressing. There is a yawning gulf between not disclosing anything about a bereavement and maintaining a stiff upper lip at all times (fine if that’s what suits you of course and many do find work a distraction) and outpouring grief to the point your colleagues can’t cope with it. Most of us can manage a kind word and some sympathy to a colleague going through a hard time, I’d hope. Even if you have to put yourself out a bit.

And if it really came to the extreme where I was being treated as a proxy grief counsellor as so many of here would have it, I’d go to the individual’s line manager or hr rather than issue prissy little instructions that make the bereaved colleague out to be a chore to scheduled in.

How have you managed to extract that story from the OP.

By paraphrasing her posts. You might find it helpful to read them.

You have entirely missed the point. It is clear that the issue in question is not whether the 24 year old or others they are advocating for are being leant upon it is that literally no one is expecting the 24 year old's or others boundaries to be crossed so there is absolutely no need to declare this is a consideration!

No. You are missing the point. The scenario OP presented is heavily biassed, full of holes, and was modified by her on subsequent questions from other posters. However, tkaing her posts in aggregate, two very different potential scenarios are presented. I am interested in which one is correct, or whether, as is usually the case in human affairs, the truth is murkier and is somewhere in the middle.

You really should just have a quick read of OP's posts.

I actually agree with the 24yo. In my darkest times I found other people’s problems (and yes even horrific problem like losing a parent) very draining on my emotional capacity and I never said a word because it would be spectacularly insensitive to do so.

Im one of those people who, even if I have nothing left in the tank, I don’t like to share that I have nothing left in the tank. I’m also a person who seems to draw people expressing their problems, and I don’t always have the headspace for it. I matter every bit as much as they do

And FWIW I lost my dad very suddenly and on horrific circumstances. I didn’t put upon other people at work…because I was at work. Colleagues who were good friends met me seperately and I was grateful to have their ear but it wouldn’t have been appropriate in the workplace

I have and you are spectacularly missing the whole point of the question!