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Original poster

unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

653 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 11/05/2023 14:59

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:13

LolaSmiles · 13/05/2023 15:04

Sorry but that is just waffle and trying to put a spin on crappy, narcissistic comments
It really isn't.

It's a funny old world where saying someone has overstepped and misjudged something, whilst also acknowledging they might have grounds to feel their workplace is off is apparently putting a spin on narcissistic comments.

Obviously there's no possible way anything involving an existing group of friends in a workplace could ever affect any other colleagues in the workplace, and when everything is super duper private and never at all crosses into the workplace, someone at total random would feel uncomfortable with a situation... A situation that beyond a team meeting announcement they know nothing about and aren't aware of and aren't party to in any way, in fact they know so little and it's had so little to do with them that the people involved have absolutely no idea at all how the colleague might have come to those feelings.

I don't know about you, but there's probably lots in my workplace I don't know about because it's private.
There are things I am aware of, and that's usually because they're not private.
🤷‍♀️

Why does it matter if it is private or not and spills over in to the workplace or not, I mean, who actually cares or notices this stuff.

Sinamin · 13/05/2023 15:14

fitzwilliamdarcy · 12/05/2023 09:41

I’m another who finds it difficult to believe that the 24 year old has only heard about the bereavement once in the team meeting, has missed all of the times the bereaved lady has been crying and needing support, but has nonetheless decided to say something really contentious which coincidentally tackles all of the bereaved behaviour that the 24 year old never witnessed in the first place.

I suspect what’s going on is much more overt and disruptive than what’s being described. I don’t necessarily agree with the phrasing but I feel like for her to have said what she did to a room of foreseeable hostile people, it must be a pretty uncomfortable work environment.

I agree and the hate directed at this 24 year old woman on this thread is truly shocking.

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:17

Humanbiology · 13/05/2023 15:12

I had my first child at 20 I started young. You have a good laugh at least I brought a smile to your face.

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So you may well be a grandma yourself?y kids are kids still so I really hope and pray not a grandma.

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:21

Sinamin · 13/05/2023 15:14

I agree and the hate directed at this 24 year old woman on this thread is truly shocking.

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'hate' a bit melodramatic, people go through shit, she won't be the first or the last and that is not hate that is pointing out your pain doesn't make you special or someone that needs to be protected it is about the woman grieving at the point in time, it is literally not about YOU!

ZittingBiting · 13/05/2023 15:23

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:13

Why does it matter if it is private or not and spills over in to the workplace or not, I mean, who actually cares or notices this stuff.

Show quote history

Presumably the 24 year old colleague that the OP was bitching about and saying she was cruel and callous.

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:26

The idea that people on their 20s only ho through life's crappy offerings is mind-blowing, people who are older have experienced an array of crappy experiences because that is life. I don't think that it is all people who are young as I have a teenager and he would laugh at this wording and actually the immaturity of it all.

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:27

ZittingBiting · 13/05/2023 15:23

Presumably the 24 year old colleague that the OP was bitching about and saying she was cruel and callous.

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Yes and why does she care, that's my point, at 24 surely you know ot is not all about you.

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:29

The 24 year old is being callous or at least thoughtless as it isn't about them-grow up!

Humanbiology · 13/05/2023 15:33

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:17

So you may well be a grandma yourself?y kids are kids still so I really hope and pray not a grandma.

Show quote history

No not yet that would have been my worst nightmare a grandma at 40. My girls are good and are very ambitious.

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:34

Imagine if we all went around expressing our opinions all of the time, showing our upset, enforcing our boundaries (whatever the fuck that means, HR would be inundated with issues to deal with. We can't make it all about us all of the time as the workplace wouldn't function. EVERYONE has shit in their background but we don't go around demanding special accomodation because we have read something in a book that we take as the Gospel!

JackSprattAndWife · 13/05/2023 15:52

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:29

The 24 year old is being callous or at least thoughtless as it isn't about them-grow up!

My 19 and 20y olds would have loads of kindness and understanding for a grieving older person. They would be shocked at the idea of losing both parents like that. They would never preach this way to someone grieving.

Terzani · 13/05/2023 16:00

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:34

Imagine if we all went around expressing our opinions all of the time, showing our upset, enforcing our boundaries (whatever the fuck that means, HR would be inundated with issues to deal with. We can't make it all about us all of the time as the workplace wouldn't function. EVERYONE has shit in their background but we don't go around demanding special accomodation because we have read something in a book that we take as the Gospel!

This obsession with boundaries and triggers reminds me of a discussion among traditionalist Catholics about women wearing veils in church. One said: ok, so what if a woman doesn't wear a veil, as long as she is decently dressed? And another said: Well, but what if her hair is the most beautiful thing that I see in that church when I am at the Mass? I'm distracted by her hair! So... what if my boundaries mean that a bereaved colleague should only return to work when she is completely healed and able to smile and be positive all the time? I'm distracted by her presence!

LolaSmiles · 13/05/2023 16:04

Why does it matter if it is private or not and spills over in to the workplace or not, I mean, who actually cares or notices this stuff
Speaking more broadly than the OP's situation, if a personal situation and the actions of an established friendship group are affecting how other colleagues feel in the workplace and make the others uncomfortable, it matters.

User9056780 · 13/05/2023 16:09

It’s an inevitable consequence of treating kids like gods unfortunately. Everything has been ALL ABOUT THEM since they were age nothing, they’re not suddenly going to start being empathetic now.

Rainyrunway · 13/05/2023 16:14

So much horrible agism on this thread. I bet plenty would be up in arms if it was the other way round and everyone was slating the "boomers"

Christmascracker0 · 13/05/2023 16:26

LolaSmiles · 13/05/2023 16:04

Why does it matter if it is private or not and spills over in to the workplace or not, I mean, who actually cares or notices this stuff
Speaking more broadly than the OP's situation, if a personal situation and the actions of an established friendship group are affecting how other colleagues feel in the workplace and make the others uncomfortable, it matters.

Agreed! I have my own life problems to deal with, I don’t want to have to take on someone else’s by proxy when I’m at work.

I’m 30, so it’s nothing to do with being young. And I definitely don’t lack empathy or think the world revolves around me!

ZittingBiting · 13/05/2023 16:53

Rainyrunway · 13/05/2023 16:14

So much horrible agism on this thread. I bet plenty would be up in arms if it was the other way round and everyone was slating the "boomers"

Yep.

Ageism, prejudice, discrimination and bullying doesn't just apply to 'old' people and is an -,ism that is widely accepted and not seen as prejudice when it is

OP is being prejudiced, discriminatory and an all round bully taking about "this generation' being callous, selfish narcissistic etc

OP needs some diversity training at work.

Sinamin · 13/05/2023 17:07

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 15:21

'hate' a bit melodramatic, people go through shit, she won't be the first or the last and that is not hate that is pointing out your pain doesn't make you special or someone that needs to be protected it is about the woman grieving at the point in time, it is literally not about YOU!

Show quote history

Have you actually read this thread? Post after post slagging off this young woman and even some presuming that the 24 year old was male and sticking the boot even further in.

I'm an out and out feminist and an oldie too but some of the posts on here are shockers.

Further, maybe if every fucker and their dog stopped 'popping in' to see the poor bereaved woman on every break to head tilt and whisper how are you now? she might stand a better chance of getting through her working day without breaking down in tears time after time.

Bunch of grief vultures the lot of them apart from the 24 year old.

StarbucksKaren · 13/05/2023 17:10

JackSprattAndWife · 13/05/2023 15:52

My 19 and 20y olds would have loads of kindness and understanding for a grieving older person. They would be shocked at the idea of losing both parents like that. They would never preach this way to someone grieving.

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Thank you for your post. Mine lost a parent at 20 and 17. I absolutely know they would not have done what that this 24 year old did in the workplace - or anywhere really - even before their loss.

Be proud that yours wouldn’t either 🙌

MichelleScarn · 13/05/2023 17:18

Sinamin · 13/05/2023 17:07

Have you actually read this thread? Post after post slagging off this young woman and even some presuming that the 24 year old was male and sticking the boot even further in.

I'm an out and out feminist and an oldie too but some of the posts on here are shockers.

Further, maybe if every fucker and their dog stopped 'popping in' to see the poor bereaved woman on every break to head tilt and whisper how are you now? she might stand a better chance of getting through her working day without breaking down in tears time after time.

Bunch of grief vultures the lot of them apart from the 24 year old.

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Quite right @Sinamin posters falling over themselves to be dicks about the 24 yo to show how wonderful and compassionate they are! 🤨

PinkFrogss · 13/05/2023 17:49

It’s pretty clear that OP doesn’t like the 24 year old and didn’t post this thread for a genuine discussion as they are not willing to consider other POVs, they just want people to agree with them.

OP is your bereaved colleague is not upset at what has been said you’re best off just moving on instead of stewing on it. If you have other concerns about 24 year old colleagues behaviour then you should discuss with your manager.

Disappointed but not surprised at the amount of ageism on this thread though Hmm

GreekDogRescue · 13/05/2023 17:54

Couldyounot · 11/05/2023 15:12

The 24yo needs to take a big helping of shut the fuck up

I couldn’t agree more.
what a selfish horrible person

Sandra1984 · 13/05/2023 18:33

ZittingBiting · 13/05/2023 16:53

Yep.

Ageism, prejudice, discrimination and bullying doesn't just apply to 'old' people and is an -,ism that is widely accepted and not seen as prejudice when it is

OP is being prejudiced, discriminatory and an all round bully taking about "this generation' being callous, selfish narcissistic etc

OP needs some diversity training at work.

Show quote history

If you think OP is being critical of her colleague just because she's young you may need to do some "learning empathy course" (they don't teach those at workplaces I'm afraid, but you can look them up online). Political correctness seem to be more important than empathy for some people. Sad.

Backtonormalatlast · 13/05/2023 19:35

Rainyrunway · 13/05/2023 16:14

So much horrible agism on this thread. I bet plenty would be up in arms if it was the other way round and everyone was slating the "boomers"

Which happens daily on MN . Especially grandparents and MILs 🤷‍♀️

Goldenbear · 13/05/2023 23:26

Sinamin · 13/05/2023 17:07

Have you actually read this thread? Post after post slagging off this young woman and even some presuming that the 24 year old was male and sticking the boot even further in.

I'm an out and out feminist and an oldie too but some of the posts on here are shockers.

Further, maybe if every fucker and their dog stopped 'popping in' to see the poor bereaved woman on every break to head tilt and whisper how are you now? she might stand a better chance of getting through her working day without breaking down in tears time after time.

Bunch of grief vultures the lot of them apart from the 24 year old.

Show quote history

I haven't once said the 24 year old was male, it doesn't matter to me if they are 24 or 44, I am commenting on the words and the specialness that they obviously can't hold back on expressing. As no one ever has gone through anything like me since the existence of mankind 🙄

You're a feminist? And what has that got to do with anything?

The 24 year old who has made it all about them is not in anyway attention seeking or anyway wanting their colleague's grief to be about them then? Ok then, if you think so...