unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

Not everyone does stuff or states an opinion for the adulation, you obviously do with that trail of thought.

The colleague is grieving for not one but two parents that have died within weeks of each other, if you think that is not worthy of compassion, you obviously do think the world evolves around you!

My own mum has cancer and won’t get better. I have compassion but the death of someone else’s parents is just not something I would want to talk about endlessly at work, nor should I have to.

Is anyone asking the 24 year old to talk about this at all with the colleague grieving, they are not and the boundary statement doesn't need to be made, it is not necessary and just serves to hurt.

I think a lot of people on this thread, like the 24 yr old in question, are misunderstanding what a boundary is. In fact, this is a broader problem with the whole “having boundaries” discourse.
Boundaries are not rules/ instructions/ demands/ ultimatums for other people to follow. They are a particular course of action you take in a given circumstance to protect yourself. Thats all. It’s about what you do, it’s not not telling someone else what they have to do.
24 year old massively overstepped. Her “instructions” to grieving colleague were deeply inappropriate and obtuse.

It's very easy to criticise someone without mentioning their age. Referring to them as 'immature' head-tilting about a 'new generation of selfish blah blah blah. Assuming they haven't experienced hardship, suffering or loss because of their age.

OP is a prejudiced bully.

P.S it's not 'political correctness' to expect people not to be ageist dicks.

This is a work place, not a social setting. There is a line and while I would expect compassion and empathy for people going through grief, ultimately it isn’t your best friends kitchen.
I have an extremely close, supportive team of many years. Some of us are close friends. Our ages range from 25 to 65. We’ve had some people go through horrific life situations, including someone with a young child who had cancer and tragically passed away. We always support each other but it’s never to the point where it’s intrusive enough that someone would feel the need to comment. It is a work place. We support during work a bit but the majority of the tea and sympathy would happen in our own time.
If someone was needing regular check ins, cups of tea and crying regularly at work, management would support them. Is this person really truly fit for work after going through 2 huge bereavements? If any of the people I line manage were regularly crying at work and needed people to check in, I have a duty to ensure their well-being. It sounds a bloody mess.

I agree with @Teder and it’s clear OP has a problem with her younger colleague, possibly jealousy.

This “workplace” sounds really unprofessional.

I am nearly sixty by the way, so it’s not about age. More about understanding where the tipping point is between showing empathy and consideration for a bereaved colleague, and it turning into a drama filled sympathy competition, starring a load of Grief Thief’s.

@Tandora Excellent post! Totally agree about the real meaning of having boundaries. The ‘instructions’ were something to tell bereaved colleague only if and when approached by her for grief support. That didn’t happen.

I think this was an unwarranted targeting of a bereaved colleague. She wasn’t being approached by bereaved colleague so any of her observations, complaints etc needed to go to HR, line manager, or vented outside the workplace.

Oh no you got me...

This isn't the scenario the OP has described though and the bereaved colleague has not lent on anyone in this way let alone the 24 year old. If people are genuine friends with each other in the workplace the compassion and sympathy they show towards their friend is coming from a place of real friendship not because they are a 'grief thief'. If they are you friends outside of work they're not going to have a time limit on their compassion and remind you that it is not in fact your kitchen and back to being productive now as we can't let anything get in the way of work🙄. What you are describing is a team you have known a long time but that doesn't equate to friendship.

have you ever heard that young people are generally immature? It’s not ageist, it’s a fact. Of course there are “mature” 23 yo and immature 40 yo out there, but in general young people with little life experience tend to look at life through a more “naive” lens. Trying to call this obvious fact “ageism” is political correctness to the core.

Political correctness can get very silly in this country.

As I said, we have genuine friendships within my team. Some of us have known each other many years. Of course I would never say to a colleague or friend “ok crying is over, back to work!” but as someone who manages people, I would be concerned that person is not fit for work. I would want to offer more support. I would not expect the team or colleagues to support.

Of course this colleague is 100% leaning on other people! She is crying at work, needing check ins and support. I am absolutely not criticising her, it sounds extremely painful. Her line manager should be supporting and assessing if this person is actually fit for work.

this doesn’t sound like a supportive work place really. It sounds unsupportive. An employee is clearly distressed and it is noticeable by others. There’s a problem with support from the employer to be honest.

Ageism is based on negative perceptions of, attitudes and stereotypes towards people based on their age.

The young person being bitched about and called a knobhead here and their generation being assumed to be immature, selfish and callous based on their age is ageism.

You have no idea what life experiences anyone of any age has. Your assumption that someone in their 20s has 'limited life experiences' and 'it's a fact that young people are immature' and 'naive' is ageism.

Yes, how dare I call young people “immature” (rolls eyes). Would I be thrown into the lions for calling older folks “wiser”? Or that’s not “ageist” Ultimately I’m “discriminating” the younger population by calling them “unwise”.

(I’m testing your woke skills)

Oh you used 'woke' in reference to not being prejudiced against people based on their age. Is being wise a negative stereotype? Nope. So it has nothing to do with the topic being discussed.

What are you rambling on about lions for? Bit of an overreaction.

@ZittingBiting Oh you used 'woke' in reference to not being prejudiced against people based on their age. Is being wise a negative stereotype? Nope. So it has nothing to do with the topic being discussed.

Yes it does, by calling older folks "wiser" you are subtly stating that the younger folks are "unwiser", and that is "ageism" thus the heart of the topic that seems to be discussed on this thread.

Absolutely this. I've made the same point way upthread: that Inappropriate Colleague is quite at liberty to set boundaries for herself but is not entitled to impose her terms on every other member of the office. This isn't 'setting her own boundaries', it's interfering with other people 'for their own good', and this never makes for popularity. I would not want such a colleague speaking my opinion and setting my boundaries for me when I'm well able to assert these for myself. Her behaviour is not only presumptuous, but patronising to boot.

I find I can easily avoid any emotional atmosphere that happens to pervade my workspace on the simple expedient of doing what I'm paid to be there to do. Work. 'Head down, mouth shut and do your job' is a personal maxim that's served me well in my working life, and it's one Inappropriate Colleague would be well advised to adopt. This doesn't mean being unfriendly or uncollegial. But it does avoid getting into any culture of gossip that I dislike, or those tedious conversations about who said what to whom, or taking it upon myself to mind business that isn't mine. As for the behaviour of understandably pissed-off colleagues being misinterpreted as 'bullying', as has happened upthread, it would nicely avoid any implication of that, too.

The colleague in question is sadly lacking in emotional intelligence, and arguably in general intelligence as well. No one has to fill every single work situation, issue or gap with their own voice. When they do, people very quickly tire of hearing it.

I'm going to jump off the thread now. It's extrapolated whole storylines and even personal accusations that are just not true.
But, I stick by my feelings that it is not ok to tell a bereaved person that they are a burden to their friends when they absolutely are not. That is, without question (to me) cruel.
I'm sure younger colleague has all types of experiences as do others, but this enforcing of their boundaries was unnecessary.

I agree.

Go well, OP. This place can be quite strange at times!

“I am not able to talk about this” =/= “You are a burden”

🤷🏻‍♀️

The young colleague did not impose boundaries on anyone

"Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."

She was suggesting the colleague give other people the opportunity to set theirboundaries. She wasn't imposing anything on anyone.

She didn't say that though did she? She didn't say anything about the bereaved person being a burden.

"Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."

So she suggested the bereaved person check out if the person she was talking to had the capacity work/emotional/otherwise to talk to the upset colleague about their distress.

How that got translated by you as selfish and cruel is beyond me.

This feels like the most sense I've read on this thread. Someone in an 'awful state' that requires people flocking round to support them doesn't match with the person supposedly having the odd little cry over a cuppa in a quiet office either. Which is the true account?.
OP really dislikes the younger colleague. That much is apparent

Me too.

There's a weird robotic idea of the office here. It's a very corporate idea where you're supposed to park your humanity at the front entrance. I loathe it.