unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

I'm torn on this. She shouldn't be telling people how to behave but I wish someone would do that for me. I have a colleague who frequently over shares and cries about things. It makes me really really uncomfortable to the point that I look forward to her going on holiday and fell like it's a waste when we're off on the same day.

It is just people who can be twats. No need to try to turn this into a generational debate when you don't even understand what you're saying.

If they’re 24, they’re not a millennial.

Life happens.

I apologise and stand corrected:
some Gen Zers can be twats

How do you know 24 year old doesn't have something going on themselves btw? My mum died when I was 24 and I would have absolutely hated a colleague offloading to me about their own grief while I was just about holding it together

It sounds like the younger colleague is (to borrow a phrase from Gen Z) "chronically online".

In theory, it would be nice if everyone could be kind and happy and considerate at all times. However, they need to learn that real-life trigger warnings and the enforcement of boundaries to the exclusion of anyone else's needs doesn't always work in practice.

@amusedbush However, they need to learn that real-life trigger warnings and the enforcement of boundaries to the exclusion of anyone else's needs doesn't always work in practice.

I dunno though, you shouldn't ever feel pushed to putting the emotional needs of a random coworker above your own.

I think it’s reasonable for some people to NOT want to take on someone else’s issues.

Playing therapist is exhausting. And not really appropriate in the work place.

I’m an (old) millennial and I wouldn’t want this either. I’d find it really draining.

Maybe you need a red light/green light system in your work so people are allowed to say whether or not they want to listen to it? Then everyone gets a break from it at some point during the day.

I think it depends on how recently, is recently. If it's been six months I could understand the younger persons frustration.

I had a colleague that witnessed the traumatic passing of a parent and it became all encompassing (understandably), to the point it became really difficult to work with them. Unfortunately their employment contract didn't allow them time to grieve properly. It was really sad.

For both people. Like I said I can see both sides.

I think this sums up how I feel

I see both sides, like some pps, having myself on a few occasions been asked for far more support than I was able to give to distressed colleagues.

And regardless of whether or not you think your younger colleague might have a point, your title is very melodramatic. You might think it’s ‘ungenerous’ advice, or that it’s a function of the young colleague presumably not knowing the bereaved colleague as a friend as you do, but I don’t think it’s ‘unbelievably selfish and cruel’.

I can kind of relate.
we have a work colleague whose wife died suddenly. He took 6 months off and has been well supported but has come back and is crying constantly. Walks in each persons room whilst they’re working and stands at the door wanting sympathy. He doesn’t ask about us he just wants to offload. I have my own issues and although can be sympathetic to a degree, it isn’t my job and it’s making me depressed daily at work!

he clearly needs not to be at work!

I have no issue with the colleague setting boundaries for themselves. I would do the same. While I am empathetic to her pain, it isn't my job to be her personal therapist and support system at work. Assumably I am being paid to do a job and sure on their frist day back, I would bend over backwards but to expect day in and day out that my time including break and free time be given to her for personal support - I would also set a boundary. Who knows that that colleague is dealing with. Being young doesn't mean you haven't gone through pain and suffering and trauma of their own and maybe hearing someone go on and on in distress about their own trauma in the workplace is more than they can handle.

It really isn't the appropriate place to be in distress and to need ongoing support. Hopefully your workplace offers professional programs that would be more appropriate.

I totally disagree- it is selfish and cruel.
Bereaved colleague is NOT seeking out anyone or leaning on anyone who hasn't reached out first and are old, established friends and colleagues.
24 year old is not being leaned on at all- has no need to assert boundaries as she is not being approached.

Totally agree that this is hard but this isn't how my colleague is behaving at all

It sounds like HR needs a word with everyone, and you should be informing them:

1. Young colleague, if there are sensitive conduct requests needed, talk to HR or your manager and leave it to them to handle the discussion
2. Bereaved woman, if you can't work right now then you need more time off; sounds like lots of people checking in is upsetting you regularly, is that the best thing for the workplace? what will actually help?
3. Work friends, constantly mentioning bereavement can be incredibly hard for the bereaved person. Please check in and be supportive but avoid asking direct questions that might trigger upset.

Has your colleague had any bereavement leave?

I would wonder if the 24 year old had something going on.

I’ve been in the situation where some colleagues worked out all their life dramas at work, when I was quietly and privately processing my own grief and only functional because I wasn’t bringing it to work.

I think there could be much more nuance and complexity at play here than just a token representative of everything that’s wrong with the younger generation.

what??? is this a thing now?

God, i really despair.

I agree but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening here, though.

The colleague was rude and patronising in how they made the suggestion, but I don't think it's entirely unreasonable for people to have some boundaries at work.

Policing how the bereaved colleague speaks to their friends would be highly unreasonable, but if they're offloading their grief in public break spaces where other colleagues are routinely party to it then I don't think it's particularly unreasonable to be mindful that we often don't know what our colleagues' experiences are.

It's hard being in a workplace and balancing appropriate compassion and empathy with professional boundaries, and at 24 they are learning how to navigate that.

No , not at all, this is a misreading (probably my fault for not giving full description)

Neither person in this scenario is a millennial, HTH.