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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

653 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 11/05/2023 14:59

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

OP posts:
Reugny · 11/05/2023 15:04

If the 24 year old was a colleague I worked with I would personally call them out for being callous, otherwise I would ignore them.

If I felt like being especially mean I would make digs about "trigger warnings" before anyone not use to working with them/new spoke to them e.g. if you are talking about anything not work related make sure you say "Trigger warning" before you start.

HeddaGarbled · 11/05/2023 15:05

I can see both sides of this. If the bereaved colleague is spending a lot of the working day in a state of distress, I wonder whether they’d be better taking some time off. Of course, his/her friends can take some time out of their working day to be supportive, but they are there to work.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 11/05/2023 15:06

Reugny · 11/05/2023 15:04

If the 24 year old was a colleague I worked with I would personally call them out for being callous, otherwise I would ignore them.

If I felt like being especially mean I would make digs about "trigger warnings" before anyone not use to working with them/new spoke to them e.g. if you are talking about anything not work related make sure you say "Trigger warning" before you start.

Yes callous is the word- it also smacks of immaturity I think

She has no concept of huge life events yet (sounds patronising but is true)

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 11/05/2023 15:07

HeddaGarbled · 11/05/2023 15:05

I can see both sides of this. If the bereaved colleague is spending a lot of the working day in a state of distress, I wonder whether they’d be better taking some time off. Of course, his/her friends can take some time out of their working day to be supportive, but they are there to work.

No, she really isnt using work time- it's breaks and things and people are dropping in on her to check her, not her seeking people out and hijacking them

OP posts:
DemonicCaveMaggot · 11/05/2023 15:08

I think the 24 year old is applying theoretical ideas in a heavy handed and inappropriate way without realizing there is a real person in pain and grief here. They seem to be concerned about people being overwhelmed when the people involved aren't overwhelmed and actually want to help. If people are being upset and overwhelmed that kind of advice should come from a boss or HR in a lot more tactful way while also seeing what can be done to help your colleague with advice or practical things, not by some self-appointed guardian of the office collective mental health.

Cornettoninja · 11/05/2023 15:08

In all honesty fair play to your younger colleague for recognising there are boundaries in what you can shoulder/support in others.

longwayoff · 11/05/2023 15:08

I would remind 24 year old that you are all in a workplace rather than in the playground. And to show compassion before her need to virtue signal alienates her from all of her colleagues.

FatAgain · 11/05/2023 15:09

I bet he’s one of these wierd incel types

ColgateAndMustardShouldNeverMix · 11/05/2023 15:10

HeddaGarbled · 11/05/2023 15:05

I can see both sides of this. If the bereaved colleague is spending a lot of the working day in a state of distress, I wonder whether they’d be better taking some time off. Of course, his/her friends can take some time out of their working day to be supportive, but they are there to work.

I agree with this.

The colleague could perhaps have worded it more sensitively, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable thing to ask.

OMalleysAlley · 11/05/2023 15:11

I can see both sides of this.

I've been in a work situation where somebody needed more support than I was able to give and boundaries became extremely blurred.

Couldyounot · 11/05/2023 15:12

The 24yo needs to take a big helping of shut the fuck up

MissyB1 · 11/05/2023 15:14

Oh God the younger colleague sounds like one of those “I’m desperate to be offended on someone else’s behalf” types. Seems to be a bit of a trend these days. I would have to give her a hard stare and say “I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about”

Whataretheodds · 11/05/2023 15:14

How does the 24 year old know so much about how and when this woman has been talking to colleagues about her troubles?

Backtonormalatlast · 11/05/2023 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AspiringChatBot · 11/05/2023 15:21

Cornettoninja · 11/05/2023 15:08

In all honesty fair play to your younger colleague for recognising there are boundaries in what you can shoulder/support in others.

It's absolutely fine for the younger colleague to set their OWN boundaries; I don't think anyone here is saying otherwise. It's inappropriate for them to do so on behalf of other colleagues (except pehaps in a management capacity, if talking about personal issues is interfering with work - which doesn't seem to be the case here).

This part is absolutely ridiculous: suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.." It's literally telling the bereaved colleague exactly how to act, even putting words in her mouth and saying YOUR behaviour is inappropriate; follow THIS alternative behaviour that I deem acceptable instead. The 24yo colleague sounds very sheltered and inexperienced in human interactions. It's a basic building block of maturity to accept that sometimes someone who is not you will do or say something you would not have done or said.

Rainyrunway · 11/05/2023 15:22

I agree with young colleague actually. I'm a very private person and if there was something going on in my life and you were a colleague you wouldnt know. I've had other colleagues off-loading their problems on me at times when I've had way too much of my own stuff going on to want to take on other people's as well. Own parent dying and miscarriage for example

ArseMenagerie · 11/05/2023 15:24

Some millennials can be utter twats

SnackQueen · 11/05/2023 15:24

Total Gen Z vibes.

Enko · 11/05/2023 15:25

I can see both sides. Even if the colleague is not talking directly to the 24-year-old If she is crying at work a lot or very down this has an effect on others too.

24 year old may not have worded it well. However, could something be occurring for the 24-year-old who finds the colleague's open grief difficult to deal with? Do you know?

Garethkeenansstapler · 11/05/2023 15:25

Hmmm the fact he said it suggests to me somebody has complained to him.

whynotwhatknot · 11/05/2023 15:25

she can set her own boundaries but shouldnt be sayingit in general and telling others what to do

hope youre colleague is doing ok

Fedupsequin · 11/05/2023 15:31

The younger colleague is repeating the exact advice words spoken by the agony aunt (not Deirdre) on This Morning yesterday. It’s callous.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/05/2023 15:31

Your 24 year-old colleague is a self-absorbed knob. Why was it his place to say anything at all?

He can stay clear of your bereaved colleague, as can anybody else who finds your colleague's grief overwhelming. It's quite possible to just say, "I'm so sorry" and leave the room.

This kind of posturing is ridiculous and cringeworthy and if my colleague would proffer such nonsense I'd tell them to rein it in. It doesn't come from any sort of thinking, just avoidance and selfishness. Ugh.

amusedbush · 11/05/2023 15:32

ArseMenagerie · 11/05/2023 15:24

Some millennials can be utter twats

Gen Z.

The youngest Millennials are 27 (or will be turning 27).

Sissynova · 11/05/2023 15:32

It sounds like quite an intense workplace to be around this level of emotional offloading though.
From your post it seems like the younger coworker isn't that close to the other one but still seems to be aware of the level of these conversations so it does seem like its all happening a bit too much in the open workplace.