unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

It seems a lot of PP don’t consider his comments cruel. That might be worth some consideration?

haha i absolutely am not refusing to answer- I just missed this question

Bereaved colleague is not offloading- she is being visited by friends to her office- young colleague knows about the bereavement as it was announced at our staff meeting

@Irritateandunreasonable Why on earth is that ageist? At 24, I would never have told a 40-something colleague that they should ask if people 'had capacity' before talking about the death of both parents within four weeks.

I would have kept my head down and been glad they clearly had support.

And now that I'm older, if a 24 year old colleague gave me that 'advice' I would write them off in my head.

I am in a career where relationships/professionalism/reputation are important though, if not critical, and I'm still working with my name intact. He won't, though, if he goes around spouting stuff like that to people. It depends on the workplace but the simple rule 'don't be an asshole' is a good one to live by in a work environment.

I worked in open plan offices in my 20s in a job requiring fair bit of concentration and tight deadlines- and had to learn very quickly how to give subtle and less than subtle indicators to outright bluntness to move people on - and I manged to learn this -despite being ND with social communication issues as part of that -mainly by watching how other's manged this.

These colleagues are described as approaching bereaved colleagues in canteen - and Op insist none of this is impacting on work and yes we only have OP word for this.

I think the younger colleague was rude and inappropriate here - and even if thing aren't as described by OP best route though would be to approach management rather to insist colleagues behave how they decide is appropriate.

I think there are some people on mumsnet who seem to barely tolerate work colleagues or even actively disdain them - remember the glee with which many greeted lock down so that they wouldn't have to deal with peolple in person, make conversation or worst of all, be forced to listen to the details of people's lives. Almost on a point of principle. I really don't get this at all. My job and my workplace are part of my life, I spend a lot of time there and it is so much easier, fun and rewarding if there are good conversations, friendships and mutual support AMIDST the work. The two don't have to be mutually exclusive. I do sometimes ponder how people fought hard and in solidarity to improve working conditions, to make workplaces more humane only to then choose to make them as bleak and functional as possible.

So. How. Does. Gen. Z. Know.

@NotAnotherBathBomb OP just said that - it was announced in an email.

Also putting up with other peoples shit is simply part of a workplace and part of life. Who hasn't had to listen to someone endlessly chat about their problems. I just had a colleague who literally talked about a faulty washing machine for a week - I just nod along and make polite conversation. I'm sure most of us are broken washing machine "survivors" 😁but wouldn't think its appropriate to chat about. she is just one of those people. I worked full time while going through a bereavement, should have taken way more time off looking back but I didn't and I said very little about it to anyone at work, so it wasn't talked about. But I remember the death of a colleague's dog being the biggest story not long after, constant tears and drama. But that was not a reflection on her experience being worse than mine, nor did anyone think so. I had a colleaugue give daily updates on her pregnancy, i had recently miscarried and another colleague had previously had a stillborn, but no one intervened as it was still her pregnancy and I suppose her right to talk, although I admit I was upset by it. My point is people have different personalities and different approaches and whether you are a private person or share every detail thats all ok and all should be accepted.

*sorry staff meeting.

Is it possible that whilst the colleague herself isn't talking about it, all her friends /colleagues are talking about supporting her a lot and the atmosphere of support is getting intense?

It's also possible that the 24 year old is facing problems at home and this has triggered something in them. Maybe they see work as a refuge from issues and this has impacted that.

Just trying to think of ways it might indirectly impact the workplace without jumping to the selfish and cruel conclusion.

Yes I feel like this too work can be great

You are really defensive. You obviously feel very protective of your bereaved colleague (also your friend) and determined to see your other colleague as the demon and her as the angel. Boundaries in your workplace sound very blurred with friendships and crying in shared offices and someone in an "awful state" needing emotional support at work.

Not how they know about the bereavement, I meant about how they know that colleague is discussing it with people. That's why I'm assuming they mentioned it? I doubt they just read that colleague had a bereavement and decided to pre-empt possible discussion with a warning? Surely no one is that delusional

No, not a demon at all- I was just wondering if it is indicative of a new way of interacting which I think is going to bring a lot of problems

I know! but that's how it seems- there would be no work reason for this colleague to have to have a word with bereaved colleague- it really did seem unsolicited

Surely no one is that delusional

Won't comment as I'll derail the thread.

😂

Well, given that, there are 2 scenerios here:

1. Younger colleague was just being a dickhead.

2. You aren't fully appreciating why the younger colleague felt the need to speak out.

I dunno. You contradict yourself really OP.

Your opening post really mail sound like the bereaved colleague has been approaching other staff and launching into emotional conversations. Then you say she isn’t doing that at all and only responds when others seek her out to discuss it. If that’s the case, your OP makes no sense.

Maybe the bereaved colleague should be grieving at home if it’s spilling over at work?

You never know what’s going on in other people’s lives. Not everyone is emotionally equipped to deal with outpourings of grief.

@Sevenbells And now that I'm older, if a 24 year old colleague gave me that 'advice' I would write them off in my head.

ageist
/ˈeɪdʒɪst/

adjective

1. characterized by or showing prejudice or discrimination on the grounds of a person's age.

This is what I came on to say too.

Someone needs to talk to 24 year old colleague and help them develop ways to cope with or avoid the conversation if s/he feels they are being asked to provide emotional support and aren't able to do so. They need to realise that someone going through a huge life trauma is not going to be asked to adapt their own behaviour unless it's causing serious problems to others, and that they themselves need to learn the skills of dealing with it. It'll stand them in great stead in the future.

And honestly the super private people may well have had to learn to cope alone because they haven't had the opportunity to "dump" on others throughout their lives. Also just because someone is 24 doesn't mean they can't have problems. What a ridiculous way to think.

The very fact that she chose to lecture the bereaved one in such a ridiculous way proves that she is sheltered and inexperienced, not that she is a private person. Someone who knows how grief feels, especially if they haven't had the opportunity to ”dump” on others, won't ever complain about being triggered - on the contrary, they would be quick to offer support or at least to be there in case their support is needed.

The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together.

This is key to me. In the moment these colleagues are providing support they are acting as friends, taking some time out of their day to support another friend. If they are true friends both parties will be able to talk openly and honestly with each other. If the bereaved colleague starts to lean on one individual in a way that is too much for them, they will be able to tell them in a way which won't end their friendship.

They don't need some third party wanging on about boundaries.