unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

Hey, we always get blamed but we are old and boring now.

Unfortunately I think you are right that there's a new generation of people who are "triggered" by everything and always put themselves first. Their "boundaries" are strong and to hell with anyone they hurt along the way. I'm in my late 30s but I despair at the way some people carry on. Whatever happened to being decent?
Sounds like your colleague is fortunate to have a lot of good support around her.

yeah no one is asking that and crucially the bereaved colleague is NOT offloading to random colleagues

I'm on the fence with this one. I can definitely see how that would come across as callous and insensitive from your grieving colleagues pov. But I would be interested to hear the 24 year olds version of events too. Maybe they were just being a dick, or maybe they had good intentions but handled it clumsily. I wonder if maybe someone has complained to them or confided that they're finding the situation difficult.

I do think the assumption that because they are 24 they cannot have experienced any major life events is unfair. You can't possibly know that for sure just because you work together.

Then how does the younger coworker even know that all these emotional support conversations are going on if they are always private and don't involve this person?

It sounds like it is probably having a bigger drain on the wider office than you want to acknowledge.

How could 24yr old have spoken to colleague about language used if they weren't able to hear it.

Assuming that they heard it, context is key in determining why they felt the need to say what they did.

I don't think there has been a complaint as the person isn't someone who would be who people would complain to IYSWIM

It sounds like it was a well-meant suggestion delivered in a poorly chosen way.

Grief is, of course, a horrible thing to go through but you can't expect everyone to be an emotional support blanket all the time, especially if it's just workmates rather than proper friends. Firstly, it's just draining to be put in that position and secondly you don't know what is going on in other people's lives.

But she isnt expecting that!

That is what is so annoying

I agree with young colleague. It’s difficult to have to listen to someone talk about their problems when you have your own problems, so sometimes you do have to take a step back.

It’s up to the person being asked for support to assert their own boundaries, not for the bereaved person to be second-guessing all the time.
A very egocentric and immature point of view by the 24 year old. They’ll grow up soon.

Agreed but some things blow this out of the water - sometimes people need other people to do the hard thing and support them

sometimes people need other people- and if we all insist on self first, there may be very few people to help us when we need it

I think the colleague has a point but without knowing personalities and the way things were said, it’s hard to tell if they wbu. It’s obviously a hideous situation for the bereaved person, but if they’re in such a state, should they be in work? Friends supporting in the workplace is fine, days spent ‘supporting’ whilst work is ignored by the grief vultures isn’t. Age may have a part to play, it may not. The 24 year old might be very boundaried, or have issues themselves that are triggered by the situation. I’ve had someone tell me all about their child’s suicide attempt at work, it really was too much and they needed to see a professional.

How does gen z colleague know bereaved colleague is offloading on other people? In what context has she proffered her advice?

Are you sure though? Presumably you aren't watching what these people are doing the whole time. It would be a slightly weird thing to come out with if the 24 year old didn't feel like boundaries were being crossed.

Unless of course this person is just a total dick and doesn't deserve a bit of the old benefit of the doubt.

Oh how i would love to be a fly on the wall when the knobhead 24 year old has to deal with something major. Lets hope nobody can fit them in.

No the 24 year old colleague is being a twat. Unless they have lost their own parent recently, in which case I would cut some slack, but if they had I would be surprised at the lack of empathy and the absolute twattishness of kicking someone when they are already down.

Anyone who uses the phrase "have capacity" in relation to talking to other human beings needs to spend less time on TikTok and more time interacting with people.

One day, though, they may well cringe.

This is why there is a loneliness epidemic.

Everybody is completely overwhelmed by the sheet pace and demands of life, and nobody has any time for anyone else anymore. Everyone has to just deal with their own shit, so to speak.

Sign of the times, we are not a well society, far from it.

That's not the responsibility of general colleagues and its very unfair to put this on them.
Sorry but I'm not a counselling service.
If this person is so emotional that they talk/cry to people on their breaks then they need to take a break from work all together.
It's odd that you say they have done this but then they haven't??

I wonder if the 24 year old has experienced a close family or friend bereavement. And if they did it was likely to have been an older relative, and the 24 year old is unlikely to have been fully involved in the aftermath, dealing with undertakers, organising a wake, contacting insurance, banks, disposing of personal effects etc etc. so i hope it is immaturity and inexperience speaking rather than callous behaviour.

Some years ago a very young colleague lost her partner is very tragic circumstances, neither had parents in the UK and she really struggled with the details of a funeral, even to the extent of not initially realising that it is customary to provide some sort of refreshment at the wake ( I made about a million sandwiches!) and it was clear from the way his friends were that they didn’t really have any experience of funerals either ( thank goodness really, they were all so young, they shouldn’t have had to have that knowledge).

I can see both sides of this too

We looked after a colleague who was technically on bereavement leave but didn't want to be at home

But we had a meeting room etc so we looked after in our respectuve offices and that room, just between four of us

I appreciate she isn't talking to people randomly but I can see it would cause issues at work. Should she even be at work?

I don't think the 24 year old is at fault for saying this.

That's not the responsibility of untrained colleagues in a workplace situation.

I think the 24 year old has repeated advice read elsewhere thinking it might be helpful in this situation. I'd wonder if people have been complaining about feeling the need to support the bereaved colleague / distressed about it around the younger colleague that perhaps you've not heard.

If the bereaved colleague needs more time off and professional support they should try to access that.