unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

Thats it in a nutshell. I'm all for boundaries - am very good at maintaining healthy ones as it happens - but that is not at all the same thing as expecting to go through life never having someone lean on you or inconvenience you or temporarily 'take' a bit more than they give. What a bleak and cold way to go through life. And if we can justify being like that with people we know and have a relationship with, what chance is there that we will develop a wider society of empathy, community connection and mutual regard?

It sounds like the advice given to avoid people 'emotional dumping', and yes, the words of someone who has grown up online, and is used to trigger warnings everywhere.

I can, though, see both sides. The way it's worded is twatty in the extreme, and it's not for her to tell other co-workers what to do, but I'd maybe be open to the idea that this is being talked about and is impacting more than you're aware of, so that she's hearing/seeing more than you realise and is struggling to cope with it, for whatever reason.

If that's the case, then it may be that she's using the tools and phrases she knows to speak up, perhaps without realising that they do sound ridiculous in a real world context.

There does come a point where a workplace should be a workplace and a colleague just that. I've been on the end of colleagues in various places overstepping boundaries to 'offload' massive amounts of stress, grief, mental health issues, which were far, far too much for the setting and the nature of the relationship. It can be very stressful, very quickly, and I have specifically seen that 'not, now here's when' advice given as a way to manage this, while still being supportive, although it's not something I ever used, as I did think it was a bit ridiculous.

This is what I mean - just caring about others is outsourced to counsellors, a service to be paid for. Human connection is no longer regenerating for all concerned, it’s an overwhelming burden.

We need to slow the fuck down as a society and value each other a bit more, and value money and productivity and whatever else has us running round like blue arsed flies, a bit less.

So in my own experience of a situation like this, I had a work colleague who had poor mental health and had had a bad break up (they had been together 6 months). It was awful, he was so mopey at work, wanted to go out for lunch to talk about it all the time, it was just not a nice atmosphere to be around.

As much as I wanted to be helpful and support this colleague, I had my own problems going on. I had lost two grandparents, my dad broke his back and my aunty (like a second mum to me) was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I had absolutely no capacity for colleagues sadness and did not want to be around it. I had to preserve my energy for myself so I could literally get through each day and support my family.

Sorry but a work colleagues happiness just isn’t my responsibility. Also if they are that upset they should be signed off work.

Honestly I think some empathy is needed for young colleague here. You absolutely don't know what they do or don't have going on in their own life. Sorry but you don't. Not everyone feels the need to share their life with colleagues. I would literally never. And my best friend is one of my colleagues. But I would absolutely NOT be sharing my personal problems with her at work in earshot of other people. I feel sorry for the colleague who has lost her parents of course. Maybe she should take some more time off?

I’d personally have a quiet word with the 24 year old and explain gently that some women might find it misogynistic for a younger, less senior?, man to try and set boundaries on their behalf. And suggest that he should check with them if they need help setting boundaries before doing so.

Fight fire with fire 🤣

😂

It seems to me the 24 year old has either been upset by something the older woman has said, or that she is aware that another member of staff has been upset by something that has been said.

So the 24 year old thinks compassion should be scheduled? I thought they were the be kind generation?

Agreed but some things blow this out of the water - sometimes people need other people to do the hard thing and support them

I agree, and that's why your colleague has friends at work.

It isn't the role of other colleagues to have their workplace dominated by someone's personal issues.

If colleagues who are not immediate friends of the person involved are at the point where they're feeling uncomfortable with where the boundaries are in the workplace, they're probably not the only one.

There's a line where reasonable and human compassion tips into emotional dumping. Where there's an established group of friends who are very comfortable with sharing and emotional offloading it makes that line difficult for other colleagues to navigate, especially younger colleagues.

Agree with this, for the younger colleague to have such knowledge about what's going on, bereaved colleague must be having these discussions in public areas or someone's said something to her. Like pp can see both sides.

I'm recovering from multiple bereavements right now.
I don't have the capacity to deal with other people's grief.
I certainly wouldn't go into work and talk to people I don't know who are not my close colleagues or friends.
It's not a case of outsourcing human connections, it's whether it's appropriate.

Yes, but being kind will have to be next Wednesday when they have capacity.

I agree with the colleague. Maybe someone has spoken to him about issues they re going through that your friend doesn’t know about and they just don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with her situation right now.

Some people are incredibly private and have things going on that your friend or you wouldn’t know about and don’t feel comfortable saying they can’t be a shoulder right now.

I have heard several psychologists and self help speakers use similar sentiments as your male colleague. I think the idea here is just to be very mindful of everyone involved.

Ofc what your friend is going through is absolutely devastating but not everyone has the strength to ‘be there for someone’. I think it’s fair for colleague to ask others if it’s a good time to talk.

Do you really think that the type of 24 year old who has the neck to come out with this kind of guff would be the kind to NOT also share whatever mystery thing they have going on in their lives (which apparently excuses them)? Because I certainly don't.

Agree too that the younger colleague needs to be told that speaking to an older colleague like that is really not a good idea, and does come across as mansplainy and arrogant and even misogynistic.

I would never have said that to an older bloke at that age in my office years. Or an older woman. He is not making himself look good.

OP has said that colleague is not behaving inappropriately and these people are her friends and her colleagues.

@LolaSmiles thats a balanced post I agree with. I don’t really like the demonising of this 24 yr old when there’s only half a second hand version to go on.

They seem to be concerned about people being overwhelmed when the people involved aren't overwhelmed and actually want to help.

It's like the getting offended on someone else behalf.

Someone at DH last workplace did this without talking to anyone and the resulting shit show left everyone very upset and angry and tuned out there hadn't been an initial problem till they made one.

All the colleagues are adults - they should be able to govern their own behavior - and put boundaries in. However if there is an issue with oversharing or more support than they can offer being needed - which yes can happen - then referring to HR and management would be a better option so they can address any issues.

I do. It’s a sentiment that I may use and I do not overshare, I’m very private.

@theleafandnotthetree yes as much as anyone else could be that "type". Why not?
And frankly if someone else was going in dumping all their problems on the colleague who has lost both parents (if she hadn't told anyone I mean) then she'd probably feel the same way as the 24 year old.

I think the point about the loneliness epidemic is really key - thats how i feel

And this comes across as incredibly ageist.

They seem to be concerned about people being overwhelmed when the people involved aren't overwhelmed and actually want to help.
This

The young colleague has not been leant on for support (they really havent) they just decided to give unsolicited advice which I think is cruel

I also agree about love and car not being outsourced - why do we imagine it would be?

It's absolutely non of her business how a colleague decides to grief (unless its directly affecting her which I highly doubt). Someone needs to put the little twit on her place, she's too big for her shoes.

I don't think it comes across as any of those things, just on face value. Perhaps the boundaries between work and personal lives are being blurred a bit too much here.