To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

[dadworld345]

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

I think what it boils down to for me is that two unreasonable people (the ex and his new gf) have made a reasonable demand.

My daughter was born when my SS's mum was on a pre arranged night out, my SS went to his grandparents (husband's parents) for the evening, he went back to his mum when she was available the following lunch time. He also got to meet his sister before going back which was lovely. I'm sure the back up if you're unavailable is fine and you can then collect your son when you are.

When my SS's mum had her baby my husband wanted to be the back up for his son and for him to be at our house where he was most familiar, he was clear that whatever time of day it is one of us would be available to collect SS and we both kept our phones on, so she went in to labour, he came to us, stayed a few extra nights so that she could recover and we dropped him home when she was ready.

Nothing wrong with either option on the face of it, provided your son is happy and comfortable with his father's family.

Don't think the OP has said that has she? Only that there are family locally. These are people who thought it was appropriate to try and get OP to do childcare for XP DWs child, so I don't think we're in sensible assumption territory.

No, I wouldn't presume, I would ask. But it seems to me that a lot of people are presuming the reverse - that he's going to end up with strangers.

Because he’s a man. Men aren’t expected to put any effort in with childcare judging by the responses here.

His own dad can’t even arrange alternative childcare but OP is being called a bad mum for daring to make plans they don’t involve her her son. Deep seated misogyny, the call is coming from inside the house.

If it were me, I would tell my ex, I'm at the theatre this day this time, and at a party on this day this time, so wont be available, but anything other, I would do. I would probably agree to no overnights for a few weeks leading up to her due date - but I would do all this for my son so I know he is ok. Having a new sibling is a huge deal for a 5 year old and I would want him to feel as supported as possible.

It sounds like you're looking at this from the point of view of helping your ex, when infact you should be doing whatever is right by your son and remove them from the equation.

To me, you put your child at the centre of all decisions.

It's a tir of hugechange fir him, he's getting a new half sibling and may be concerned about how that impact his world etc.

You are I'm a priority. Collect him if it's in his best interests, bring him to see his new sibling as it's in his best interests.

Refrained all decisions to do what's I the best interests of your child & miniI've the focus on your dx, his partner or fairness. Doing the right thing by your child, will give you the right answer.

I’m shocked the number of posters who think op should cancel theatre trips etc to suit her ex. If she felt he had no options and the dc would be in unsafe care then fine but that’s not the case. Being at the whim of your abusive ex is an outrageous expectation. She’s not saying no, just on specific dates he’ll need an alternative plan.

And he’s a fucking father who should be able to arrange his own childcare for HIS child during HIS time. How about he grows up rather than expecting an ex who he treats like crap to be at his disposal and give up her plans just in case he demands her time?

Just stop any access for 2 weeks before and after her due date.

If he's abusive, I don't get why you'd want your child being around him (or her) for that matter.

OP hasn't said of anything booked during that time though

My DD goes to her dads every Friday night and every other weekend and my phone goes on loud (it's on silent otherwise) all the time while she is there! I wouldn't dream of turning it off! What if something happened to your kid while they were at their dads? You wouldn't find out till the morning!

As for your AIBU I had to collect my DD when exH and his new partner had to leave for the hospital in the early hours of the morning. It doesn't matter what my ex had done to me, it was a about my DD being looked after and I didn't want anyone else other than me or her dad or step-mum to do that.

YANBU. He’s a grown ass man that’s perfectly capable of arranging (and even paying for!) alternative childcare.

It's really seems like you're only focusing on how to make it difficult for them instead on focusing on what would be best for your child.
Do you really want your 5 year old to be dropped off to some of your EX's friends/family or neighbours in the middle of the night? How would your child feel about that? You should be thinking about his feelings and where he's going to feel safe and settled, not on the fact that you'd be doing your ex a favour. Why wouldn't you want to collect your child in the middle of the night and take him to his home, instead of being dropped off to some random person you don't know? It's really baffling.

To quote Judge Judy: 'You need to love your son more than you hate your ex.'

It’s not about him. It’s about what’s best for the child. The bloody bitterness of some people is staggering.

You have NO idea what he has tried to arrange childcare wise. With her attitude, do you really think he dared ask OP as first choice? Hardly being amenable is she. Yes, he is the fucking father. She is the fucking mother. Who is clearly bitter and jealous of her ex and new partner.

Less concerned with who her son may be left with than how meeeeean, waaah, her ex apparently is. Maybe dad would be better off leaving child the distant family, im sure they'd at least be excited for him about his new sibling rather than mummy who sounds like she'll do anything to poison that relationship.

Why are you assuming the paternal relatives are so incapable of taking care of him? Their child has grandparents, aunts/uncles etc on that side of the family, they aren’t somehow less capable just because they’re on the paternal side.

He insists on having our son for enough time to significantly reduce his child maintenance payment. He also is currently really into the narrative that he and his gf are a loving family and I am an unfit single mum. (When I left, it was hard to even get him to spend more than an afternoon with my son).

As courts are skewed towards 50/50 and fathers' rights, I don't have any hope of keeping my son away. I also think that there is value in my son knowing his father wants to be a part of his life.

Two wrongs don’t make a right as the saying goes. Your ex is being entitled and a jerk but you’re not putting your son first either.

Also, if your ex and his partner are so abusive why are you happy to let your son go down there? I'd being really uncomfortable letting my kid go to people who had been that vile to me.

I wouldn't bother asking, they're both untrustworthy dickheads who have tried to bully OP. Nothing they say would be of any reassurance even if they genuinely wanted to cooperate. Which they don't. They just can't be trusted.

What? I've repeatedly mentioned specific events I have planned.

I’d not want my DC sent off to stay with a random, so YABU unless you know there a grandparent or aunt/uncle on your XP’s side to look after him.

You’re not helping your XP in this situation, you’re making sure your DC is ok. So I’d reframe it like that.

What right does she have to STOP access? Are you out of your mind?! Over-entitled bullshit, she doesnt own her son, she has no right to deny the father access whatsoever unless there are safeguarding risks. Also, lest we not forget that if dad doesnt see his son, she doesnt get to go out drinking, and that seems to upset her greatly.

You’re asking why he would demand the woman he treats like utter trash do this?! Err, maybe because he knows he can walk all over her 🙄 and no, she’s not clearly better and jealous, why would you think that? Because she’s not rushing to help an abusive man, so the only reason must be jealousy?! What a bizarre idea. Her son has paternal relatives, just as capable of providing childcare as OPs family are.