Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

Jesus, that documentary :(

Look how they have to keep those little kids busy, busy, busy to fill the void

For a long time, I thought I had no lasting effects from being sent to boarding school. Then my youngest son turned 11 and I realized that at his exact age, my parents had sent me to live in another country. I just can't reconcile doing that to a child who already had fairly clear emotional problems, with their claims that it was a sacrifice they made for me, and I should be grateful for it. I can still feel the complete hopelessness of knowing that it would be 3 months before I could go home, and that there was nobody to help me.

There was no extra stability either, because my father was able to stay in the same place for 5 years because of my sisters' education (There was a military school I could have gone to) . As soon as they moved back to the UK, I was taken out of boarding school, but only because they hated spending the money on me.

We looked at a primary school on a military base near us (small class sizes in our two DCs' years because the birth rate varies depending on when mass deployment ends). Most of the DCs who were going to boarding school did start when they were 11 so that their secondary education wasn't interrupted (but obviously those going at a younger age were not in that primary school). Because it was on a base, though, they were very used to children coming and going and made it a huge point to welcome new children.

When I was seven, the headmaster called my parents to my BFES school and said he felt I was a gifted child (reading and spelling age of 14) and that he thought I should be sent to a boarding school rather than being moved a lot with my father's army postings. When they told me, I became hysterical at the idea, and my Mum said "It's alright. I'm not letting you go anyway." I went to 11 schools in all and came out with 3 "O" Levels. It depends whether you value education over emotional health. Incidentally, I've been immensely happy in my work, first with children, then with adults with learning disabilities. I think my parents were right to keep me with them. Less emotional children may well be OK in Boarding School.

Why at 13 do you have to be anything other than yourself, why do you need to go through 'transitions' to adulthood at 13? Mostly people who go to private school/boarding school are pretty sheltered from reality and those that cope IME, especially in city universities are far more street wise and able to understand how to function in a society that includes everyone, not just the select few. My DD's friend is in year 7 at an independent school and the difference in understanding of the world around them is striking, even after these 7 months or so! She doesn't understand that people are not always nice or reasonable as she doesn't meet anyone in her school that is challenging and disruptive, if they are those things they get rid of them.

Exactly this.

I found that I was much less prepared for university, oddly. After so many years of very strict rules and timetables, and constantly being in trouble for breaking some obscure rule or other (and my parents' house being very much the same after I returned there for 5th and 6th years) I found it really difficult to order my own life when there was no constantly present adult yelling at me.

I went by choice at 16 for sixth form. Hated the first two weeks but once I'd settled in I had a great time. Probably helped that we only lived 30 mins from the school and I went home most weekends. I played a lot of sport and my mum was able to come and watch most of my matches. It's been 20 years and I still have the same, very close group of friends. I have an excellent relationship with my parents. That said, I would never send my kids at 7 - not that I could afford to anyway!

I boarded from age 8. The prep school was mostly ok (some basic bullying but not too bad). After that I went to a big public school and started keen & confident. This was knocked out of me over the next five years (to be fair it was mostly gone by the end of the first - both socially and academically). Amongst a lot of lower level stuff I was also sexually assaulted twice - I have never told anyone, I felt I was to blame and was too embarrassed. Only now I am parenting dds myself is the full horror starting to dawn. I still feel shame for who I was and what happened….I’ve even namechanged for this post as I don’t want to be associated with the admission…No one knows how messed up my mind is as a result, I do a darn good job of seeming very normal (I think!)….but yeah, no way on God’s earth would I trust a boarding school with my kids, no matter what it’s reputation.

I found exactly the same when I left boarding school, I struggled with organising my life at uni and when I eventually lived on my own (something I’d always desperately wanted), it was choas! Boarding definitely didn’t make me independent.
I think it was the strictness and order of school (which I always found difficult) that caused that

I went to a Uni with a LOT of ex boarding school kids and definitely noticed this. I remember having to teach quite a few how to use the washing machine, how to operate quite simple things in the communal kitchen etc.

DH boarded and always says it was ‘ok’ but at the same time says there’s no way our DC are boarding.

Someone I knew was a SAHM when her husband was in the army; they pretty much stayed in one area throughout his career yet sent their 3 children to boarding school. Two went to prep school at 7 years old, 300 miles from home so no going home at weekends, then the third dc joined them at senior boarding school 200 miles away when he was 11. The eldest has never forgiven her parents, the second child drifted from job to job, became an alcoholic and a drug addict, still hasn’t a job at 45. The third child eventually got a decent job but 10 years later chucked it in and relies on odd jobs.
None are happy people.
I would never ever have considered sending my DCs to boarding school unless there were extenuating circumstances.

Army child here who boarded from age 11. My parents would have said I was happy to board; I did it because I felt I had to and had kind of been groomed into it. I cracked on with it, I got on with it, I got used to it and I put it behind me until I had my own kids and then BOOM.
I realised how much it had messed me up.

After having my own child I couldn't understand how they could send me away. I couldn't understand why they couldn't organise their lives to accommodate me into it. I don't remember any of my birthdays there. I don't remember much but I do remember the homesickness, the other kids crying. Freedom and endless time at weekends - after Saturday school and sport, of course. Fags and alcohol from age 12. Lots of sexual activity, teachers clueless. I would never send my children or any child of my family there.

It has left me with CPTSD, alcohol issues, problems regulating my emotions, independent to the extreme, I just detach and shut down when faced with difficulties and it is a LOT to work through. I am in a support group with a number of ex-boarders and we all have a lot of problems: boarding school syndrome.

This thread is weirdly quite validating because so many posters are agreeing it's a traumatic experience. I find that helpful, actually. Sometimes on these threads you get parents of current boarders who are vehement that schools are different now and their kids are so busy and everything is FIIINNNEEE! I just want to scream - get back to me in 20 years...

Also, can we please not compare nursery to boarding school? Seeing your family every day versus every 4 weeks is NOT the same.

Consistency of education is great. But a child's education is NOT the be all and end all. Their mental health, happiness, secure attachment and knowing that they are loved and cherished is way more important than exam results.

RAF family here and we likewise went full boarding at age 7 and 8 due to posting abroad. @Bringonsummer19 Google boarding school syndrome!!! @goodkidsmaadhouse I’m surprised at what you say about uni students being unable to use basic kitchen stuff and washing machines as we were responsible for hand washing our own underwear from day 1 in primary and got access to a washing machine for uniform at age 11 that we had to pay for out of pocket money (hence I hand washed plenty!) .plus were able to cook simple stuff for ourselves in 6th form and travelling between uk and aboard at primary age…..so certainly we were highly independent. Perhaps those were kids from well off homes who went home every weekend!!! What we lacked was emotional support and teaching around managing the emotional side of life ,when u don’t see your parents it’s a case of sink or swim and just get on with it….but apparently pastoral care is now much improved for the current generation if boarders…but going as a teen totally different to going as a young child.

Perhaps those were kids from well off homes who went home every weekend!!! Yes I suspect this was much more the demographic than military kids. My own DH (also that demographic though he was only home for holidays) was also incompetent with house stuff when we met in our late teens.

And opening up a different side of the debate - why should officers’ children be assured of continuity of education but squaddies’ children not??!!! It’s an outdated policy.

CEA is not linked to rank, only to mobility. The parents job just has to move less than every four years.

There are Privates eligible and Colonels who are not eligible. My DH is what many would consider senior officer (Major) but we lost our eligibility two years ago.

I would say that’s a very different experience to a young child going. At that age and it being your choice it would have seemed like an adventure in independence and helped by knowing your (loving) family was close by (I used to read Mallory Towers and thought it all seemed very exciting).

I’d be having some serious fallouts with my sister if she sent her child to boarding school at seven.

In addition to my above post about eligibility... the allowance doesn't cover full fees. Its a contribution towards them. It covers more of the fees for the State boarding schools like Royal Alexandra and Albert School, barely makes a dent in the Public schools like Eton.

I went to boarding school at 11. I would never send mine away!! My parents did it as there were no good schools nearby, but I know it must have broken my mum’s heart.

7 is far too young!! Poor child needs love and security in his actual home.

Even at 11, I found boarding intense. There’s never any down time from being around friends. There were lots of fun activities, but there was also a lot of structure and timetables!! There were always kids falling out and bickering. It’s quite a tense environment.

I feel sad thinking about this post. I remember sitting on the window sill at the top of the boarding house and crying whilst watching my parents drive away 😭 Awful. Can’t understand why anyone would send a 7 year away from home!!

It really is difficult to contemplate

My ex husband went at the age of 7 and is complete emotional screw up. He is a narcissist, an addict and emotionally abusive. I find it hard to believe these things are not connected.

I always thought it was awful, but when my own children got to that age I felt it even more acutely. My kids need cuddles, tears wiped, scrapes kissed better, nightmares dealt with. Why anyone would choose to send away their child is beyond me.

CEA (Continuity of Education Allowance) is available to everyone of all ranks in the Forces who move on posting married accompanied.

This is usually every 3 years, in the UK and overseas. That could mean 3 different primary schools or 3 different secondary schools. That’s not the usual course of Education for civilians.

CEA for senior boarding is £8047 per term. Fees at e.g Wycombe Abbey are £15,900 per term. That equates to £2000 per month extra for 1 child at boarding school- not including any extras e.g uniform,trips, music etc etc.

A major in the Army - starting salary of £55,999 - take home pay of £3460 per month- cannot afford a top notch school.

I personally think there is no need for a child to go to boarding school at primary school age. However - secondary school - yes.

In the next say 10 years I guess the CEA will be abolished as the Forces move to regional hubs and more people buy, and live in, their own homes.