Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

the thing I found the hardest (only realising this as an adult) is the fact that as my parents were a 20 hour flight away, I couldn't go home at half terms or weekend breaks. The onus was on you (the child) to get invited to stay with someone for these breaks or you would have to stay at the school with the matron

This is an interesting perspective to me and possibly explains why I found weekly boarding so easy as my parents were just a car journey away. That being said, I did spend quite a few weekends with friends so I definitely wasn't desperate to get home all the time, I think I just genuinely felt secure that they were there.

This is not something I could do and would 100% be something I would judge someone for doing in these circumstances.

I agree with this. It's saying to the child "I choose my husband over my child".

Why can't she just stay in the UK and provide continuity of education here??

I completely agree with you. My husband is also in the military and our DC are 6 and 7. We’ve been fairly lucky in terms of staying in postings long term. However, we have always said that if his work started to disrupt the children’s education, we would go married unaccompanied. I work full time but there’s no way I would consider boarding school.

7 is way too young. Kids who go to school at that age have poorly developed emotions and relationships. Academically they usually do well. They are often cold and immature and ambitious. Too many of them end up as politicians who have no empathy which they badly need. Their fathers have often had the same schooling so the problem is compounded and passed on from generation to generation. Look at the top of the Tory party, Cameron, Johnson, Gove, they are all examples of this type of upbringing.

I couldn’t do that. If she was my sister I’d be letting my opinion on it known loud and clear. She may not listen but I couldn’t keep quiet about it. How can she sleep at night doing that. Dereliction of duty I’d call it.

Personally I would never put my little ones in same as I wouldn't put them in nursery but that's our choice I don't work hubby does but we both spend loads of time with the kids playing,making camps,hide n seek,walking,parks etc etc and i love every minute watching there developments and us being the parents having first input in there little lives. But everyone has there own choices regarding there children so I guess it's up to your sister and hubby what they do with theres.

It would be a hard no from me. I don't know anyone who has fared well going to boarding school. And the younger they were when they went, the more profound the impact has been.
I consider it my job to instil values in my child, to comfort them through the normal trials and tribulations of growing up, to spend time with them learning who they are as they grow, allowing them to learn who I am in the process. Boarding school takes that away from all of us. Just horrid.

This. I was on another thread a whilst ago and many were saying that was perfectly fine 8 - 6 every day for a baby in a nursery.
But not much difference to boarding school really as the actual awake time with them is minimal.
As PP said, children deserve someone who has a vested interest in them to bring them up, not just someone whos job it is and who could resign at any time.

I have been both a weekly and full boarder from the age of 11. Weekly for 13+ I don't have too much of a problem with but no child under 16 should have to go 3 months at a time without seeing someone who loves them, no matter how wonderful and nurturing the school.

Poor boy!! Seven is far too young for boarding school. OK maybe as a day student returning home each evening, but not for boarding.

You’re unreasonable to judge another parent, you don’t even say (know?) how your nephew feels about it. The reality is that it’s only very recently that most children have spent so much time with parents. My parents grew up being left in a pram at the bottom of the garden to ‘nap’, spending entire days out playing and messing around, had to look after younger siblings etc because parents didn’t have much time. I think boarding has also changed a lot in terms of care and flexibility. Would I do it? Absolutely not but it doesn’t mean it’s not the best choice for anyone

There’s lots of research on the psychological impacts of boarding school. 7 is also young to be boarding even weekly. There are serious consequences for the mental and emotional health of the child and their ability to foster their own adult relationships with their spouse and their own children. There’s even been suggestions that’s it’s a breach of the child’s human right to have a family. Have a google of the research into the psychological impacts. Also look into boarding school syndrome - there’s certain traits which seem common to ex boarders that stay with them for life. Your sister needs to be fully aware of this to make an informed decision. This child will live with this for the rest of their life so it’s really important to carefully consider what’s going to help long term. If your sister struggles to look after her child while her husband is away could the family team up to offer more childcare and play dates etc as an alternative? Could the child attend the school as a day pupil? Often the day pupils can stay pretty late into the evenings so that would offer a lot more support without actual boarding. Help her come up with alternative options to this. Don’t just slate boarding schools if she has no other options

Maybe you weren’t thinking straight at that time of the morning do you really believe there is no wrong way to raise a child?

7 is too young. Year 9 onwards is the earliest I would ever consider boarding school, and then only for the right child (independent, resilient, socially confident etc and the type of child who always knows how to ask for help - one that actually knows how to get attention from adults and teachers from an early age).

You should find out from your sister why now? Because if she thinks this is a pathway to top boarding schools at 13 it really is not anymore. There are plenty of other options to get there, provided the child is really clever. And if they are not really innately clever, top boarding schools are not the right environment for them anyway.

That’s called school.

I was a boarder in the 80s (started last year of primary so I was 10)
I'd already had a fairly disjointed life up to that point so I was used to change and not particularly attached to my DF and DStep-mum (who I'd known 3 or 4 years at that point). That doesn't mean that I didn't need them around though. They did it for all the 'right' reasons and they did ask my opinion.
I also had ideas of Mallory towers etc
I did go home one day a week. I detested Sunday evenings when I had to go back.

I do think it succeeded in f*cking me up even more than I probably already was
There were children younger than me. Youngest was 7. I've told the tale on MN before but the housemistresses should not have been in charge of children. I'd like to think they are monitored more closely now. They were downright cruel. Moving to secondary, where we had a lovely housemistress, was such a relief. She was in charge of about 25 girls though. Its not the same as having parents around.

I have two boys and the thought of sending them away at that age reduces me to tears. I don't think that before having children, much could have reduced me to tears as I can be pretty emotionally absent. Is this a result of my childhood? Probably. 7 is just so little. If you are available to care for your own child, there is no excuse not to do it.

My 9yr old is desperate to board, absolutely begging to go. Perhaps that says something about our crap parenting She might board at 13 but not before, if she's still keen and gets into the school of course.

You say that, and I wish it were true, but the two most successful people I know had very well connected parents. They’ve far out-earned/out promoted the rest of us from our university group with similar qualifications. Nepotism is unfortunately still very much alive and well

After watching the programme with Will Young and his twin brother - both were sent to boarding school - Will 'survived' the experience - his twin sadly not - suffering with mental health attributed to his experiences at boarding school - well we know the rest.

7 is far to young to have this separation

The reason the army subsidise boarding fees is so that children don’t have to keep moving with every posting. That can also be quite psychologically and educationally damaging. It’s not just there as a ‘perk’. If one partner stays put and the forces employee goes alone that can also be quite damaging to relationships. It’s not an easy lifestyle to reconcile with family life really, especially at secondary school level. Yes some do treat it as a perk and the parents aren’t actually both moving frequently but some have both parents abroad etc

@IcedBananas to be fair there's been research into the negative effects on babies being placed in childcare away from their mothers and yet so many people still do this. It really does come down to the dc.

I agree sending too young will definitely increase the risk of problems though. And also I definitely see the wrong type of dc sent to boarding school but have only personally seen this by people from different countries where education is so important it trumps everything. Even their own dc health sadly.

I agree with you . I’m sure it will create trauma , those mum daughter relationships will not the same as someone who see their child daily

I would never speak to my sister again if she did this.
Cruel and she doesn't even work!! Can't she look after her own child?!

This!

I was at boarding school in secondary, by choice. I loved the boarding part and having more independence from my parents. It came just at the time I wanted more space, as a teen. I felt more allowed to carve my individual path, to build my own self discipline/ drive, learn to manage myself and make my own decisions. But I was home every weekend for home cooked meals and family connection - never felt abandoned. I think in some ways it avoided a lot of teen clashes with my parents, as I would have felt far more constructed and suffocated by them if I'd been at home all week.

I was soooo much better equipped for living away from home and taking care of myself at university. I saw a lot of university folk going through the transitions I had gone through at 13 - learning to think for themselves, cook, manage their time and studies etc.....

As everybody says, age 7 is just a totally different kettle of fish.... can't imagine that ever being positive.

And when kids are parked for entire terms, at any age, I think that must be very hard and lead to abandonment issues....