Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

I went at age 10. Was deeply unhappy, got bullied by kids and staff alike. Had a creepy encounter with the school doctor. If you became ill you were never believed. Left me with many scars which will never heal. Please don’t do this to your children.

My seven-year-old can’t sleep without her teddy and regularly wakes up needing cuddles after nightmares. The idea of sending her away to live with strangers is entirely abhorrent to me, and I would judge anyone who did it unless there were truly exceptional circumstances involved. A seven-year-old is still a small child who needs the love and security only their parents can provide.

DD (7) is currently begging me to let her go to boarding school (thanks to The Worst Witch).

She's formed a romanticised view of it based on fiction, which is so far removed from reality.

However much she begs, its not an option. She's our daughter and we want to be with her as much as we possibly can because we love her, we enjoy her company and even when she is being a "challenging" seven year old, I still wouldn't want her to be away from home.

Emotional abusers and narcissists are not just limited to former boarders! They are from all backgrounds.

I also don’t understand why people say boarders cannot do anything at university. My DD boarded and did Leiths cookery course at school. They cooked their own supper every night. She can cook - better than lots of people! She used our household washing machine. My DDs both boarded and they, and their friends, are perfectly competent. They are both happy and well adjusted n their late 20s.

The big issue is boys. Mums don’t train them. They do everything for them. From the least well off to the wealthy. So many are not required to learn how to do anything.

I would not send DC boarding at 7. Our DDs went at 11 and we saw a lot of them. Loads of events at school to which parents were invited. Some parents didn’t go much though. The overseas students had no one. Therefore I would never choose a school far from home and I would consider this aspect very carefully if I was in the forces.

I firmly believe that boarding schools are inherently traumatising for children. The psychological and emotional development that happens for them during childhood being interrupted by being essentially sent away and home & family being something that's just for holidays is so damaging. Can't stand it. And yes, many who have been to boarding school will tell you it was great and did them no harm. One of the traits of boarding school syndrome is putting a brave face on everything, because you've had no safe space, literally or emotionally, of home and family, to retreat to as a child.

My father was in the navy and got cheaper fees. He wasn't posted abroad. My mother lived 20 minutes down the road and never had a job. When I had just turned 8 they sent me to boarding school. Absolutely awful. The first day the headmaster did an assembly for all the new children and said "from now on I want you to think of me as your new father". I went home Saturday morning until Monday morning and then at school the rest of the week. I remember once when my Mum dropped me off, running after the car crying begging her to come back for me but she just drove off. My son is 7 now and the thought of doing the same to him is unimaginable. I'm not close to my family and always felt like an outsider, even more so when I was sent 5 hours away to a naval boarding school and only allowed home every 6 weeks. My Mother says in hindsight she made a bad choice and given her time again would not have done it but too late now!

100% this. Nobody has ever managed to change my mind on the monstrous nature of boarding schools.

Monstrous nature of boarding schools? Really.
How many have you visited recently?

No, YANBU - the only reasons I can think of for sending a seven year-old to Boarding School is profound additional need or safe-guarding issues in the home. Continuity of education is important but nowhere near as important as having a close family relationship for a primary aged child.
For secondary, yes, maybe BS could be a good option in certain cases, and I can think of several, but preferably from age 13, not 11.
For a child under 11 it should only be a very last resort.

Seven is too young. I went at ten and loved it. The smaller ones were almost all traumatised.

OMG no. Never.

It's not about visiting them - I'm sure almost all of them are gorgeous buildings, nice staff, "happy" children, amazing educational opportunities offered. I'm under no illusions about all that. What's monstrous is sending your child away during their developmental and vulnerable years, and for home and family to be an exceptional, holiday event and no more.

How does boarding school make home an exceptional holiday event?

There are a lot of holidays - by my reckoning about 35% of the year. If there are exeat weekends about 60% and if a weekly boarder over 75% of the year - usually at home or a school friends.

Some in the UK take them from 3!!!!

I know far more about it than I wish to, thank you.

As for your comments on working parents, you are wrong. For many working is an necessity. And in any case, your comments about nurseries are utter rubbish. Even if a baby went to nursery for ten hours per day 5 days per week, with two naps of 1.5 hours per day they would be spending 35 waking hours at nursery. The same amount of waking hours most children spend in school.

Assuming the baby sleeps another 8 hours overnight that means they are still spending 62 waking hours per week with their parents in the mornings, evenings and at weekends.

It isn't even remotely comparable to sending a child to live elsewhere and not seeing them for weeks or months at a time.

You think we get free accom???

The family being with the serving parent is seen as positive. Being a Fri night - sun afternoon parent is not good for the family or the service.

That’s so sad, poor kid. Hard as not your business but you could question it with her

It makes it an exceptional event because it becomes not the default. Being at school with peers and teachers becomes the default, with home being somewhere you visit. Whatever percentages you work out, I can't understand how a child not being home with their family is ever an ok thing. Children are so vulnerable, and go through so much in their developmental years. A safe, private space to have as their own is essential.

I was sent away from home at three and a half in the 60s if disabled you sent away first sunshine home for blind babies, then boarding school at 7 till 12 in Liverpool, thank god I was able to be a day child at special school 46 minutes away still special school from 12 onwards. Even today I still remember the pain of leaving home.

Military accommodation is not free. The rates charged are freely available on the internet.

@CombatBarbie there is a newish scheme where the Serving person gets free on base accommodation (i.e a room) and 2x travel home a month to a permanent address instead of family accommodation. Only for older serving people (37years old).

My dad went at 8. I'd never send my own kids.

Yes over 37s......thats people nearing the end of their career in most cases, that's when we're expected to make the base home to settle.

When accompanied we pay housing, council tax, gas, electric..... The poster I quoted seemed to think we got everything free. I wish...... I wouldn't pay a homeless person to live in some of the houses we're provided with.

It depends on the home, and the family. So many people spend zero time with their dc, rushing in and out, glued to their phone/TV, drowning in admin.

@CombatBarbie we can definitely agree on the accommodation. Some of it is frankly dangerous.