Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

Surely it's not about what the parents would miss, it's about what's best for the child? And, in some cases, this would be the right thing to do to secure a good education - the parents' needs and wishes have to come second.

Both my husband and I are ex Army so I truly understand how difficult it can be balancing military life and children. For me it cost me the career I truly loved as I left when I was pregnant with my eldest. This was back in the mid 2000s when the level of operational deployments were incredibly high with both my husband and I doing tours in Iraq and just being apart constantly. I knew something had to give and I would never be able to leave my baby for six months so I made the decision to leave. Even 16 years later I miss it.

The fact people think that there is no other option than to put too young children into boarding schools baffles me. A husband or wife could be married unaccompanied so that the primary parent puts down roots and offers stability and continuity to the children. Obviously this is tough on a marriage but ultimately adults should take the hit so that children don't have to. Anecdotally my children now attend independent schools as day pupils. They have classmates who board, Including some from eight. I would say they are unhappy and distressed children. If it was my sister I would do everything I could to dissuade her from this choice at least until your DN is senior age.

I went to boarding school at 11. My father was in the Army and as an officer, it was very much the expected thing. I found it hugely traumatic, although at the time I would have said I was happy there (because I was scared to say anything else), although actually, nobody ever asked me.

There were girls there who started at 7 or 8, but they didn't do well, as a rule. Some girls seem to have loved it, but they tended to be the ones with really grim home lives, or who got home every weekend. I had siblings who were allowed to stay at home, and I never really felt part of their family again.

My father still berated me about my expensive, wasted education. I ignore him. He was sent to a military boarding school in Dover, was terribly bullied and had a terrible time. He still put me through the same experience. His opinion doesn't matter to me, on this or anything else.

"Am i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)." No

"I think it’s the prestige of the boarding school. The name of it. Without the army subsidising it they couldn’t afford it." This is the worst possible reason.

‘It works for some kids, not for others. ‘

balls. Show me a child a child psychologist who would say it’s good for a 7 year old to go to boarding school under these circumstances

Awful thing to do to her 7 year old son. Poor boy.
Additionally, the taxpayer should not be subsidising expensive boarding schools for very young children and especially not in the situation you have described.

I couldn't do it and really can't get my head around why some people would rather send their kids to board rather than doing married unaccompanied.

I can never understand how people could send young children away to boarding school, the thought of my children having to do it is very upsetting. I read an article years ago about the psychological effects of being in boarding school on young children, I can't remember who wrote it.

I went to boarding school at age 11 and, decades later, I still remember all too vividly how utterly miserable I was, at least in the early years. We used to be allowed half day outings, returning just before the evening meal, and again I vividly remember sitting through that meal trying desperately not to cry. So I wouldn't ever do that to a child of mine, and I absolutely, definitely wouldn't do it to a 7 year old.

Looking at the thing more logically, it still seems to me weird - unless you have no choice - to entrust the most precious people in your life to a load of strangers, no matter how well-intentioned they might be. When people tell me that their children at boarding school love it, I just don't believe them.

Neglect, bordering on abuse. I know 2 adults who were sent at this age and they are seriously screwed up adults. One has been fairly successful, they’ve never had to want for money or anything but they are emotionally stunted and have never managed to have normal meaningful adult relationship’s . Other stuff too. Interesting that it echoes what others have said.

Which instagram account is this?

its sad at at that age, far too young. Our friends, the husband in the army. Of course he’s spent long periods away from home but longer detachments (or whatever they are called) they all go. They’ve lived all in a few different places and have recently come back from 3 years in another amazing country. The children have had the best experiences .

I’m sure some children do great but I imagine the majority who go at that age don’t.

7 is way too young. However I do know a lot about the difficulties caused by multiple postings. Officers particularly can move postings more frequently than every two years. Some children thrive in the variety, but some end up under-educated (constant changing if schools meaning things get either repeated, or missed out completely) and unable to ever form proper friendships. This will have a long term effect in relationships as well. But as I said, age 7 is too young. I think Y7 is probably the very earliest I would consider, but ideally Y9.

The fact people think that there is no other option than to put too young children into boarding schools baffles me. A husband or wife could be married unaccompanied so that the primary parent puts down roots and offers stability and continuity to the children

^^ This is what I never understand. Lots of parents work away. Dh has done it. The notion that the other partner (and let’s face it 99% of times it’s the wife) has to trail round following the other parent at the expense of their kids wellbeing is totally bizarre to me and exclusive to the military it seems. I remember watching a documentary recommended here about military boarders and all of them had SAHMs doing FA all day whilst their kids were sobbing for them every night.

Agree with first line.

It’s so sad. I can’t fathom how you can send them away at that age

There are categorically rights and wrongs in raising children.

If you have a child you are responsible for the child - the good bits and the bad. Your sister sounds entitled in that she obviously feels she should be free of those day to day responsibilities pre-children.

I tell you this in complete seriousness. I went to a very famous mixed boarding school ( lots of celebs kids etc )
I am now early 30s, in my year group there were 96 students more or less. THREE young men in my year group have committed suicide. 3- Out of 90. One hung himself age 26, one jumped out a window age 29 and one took a cocaine overdose age 32.

All of these young men were adorable, kind, intelligent, gentle and popular, one extremely popular and handsome. The 2nd and 3rd death were not described as suicide by the embarrassed parents but as an ‘accidental jump from window’ and the drug death a ‘sudden death’ but they were out and out suicides.

this is why you don’t see this in the papers. In all the other year groups above and below me at least one person has committed suicide from each year. Look up the statistics for suicides and you will see that 1-3 deaths from suicide per an average of 90 students is absolutely NOT normal.

what did all these young men have in common? They were went to boarding school from age 6-7 until age 18. Separated from parents and siblings for 6.5 days a week for 8 months of the year for every single one of those years.

yes, I can also name classmates who have done very well financially ( from using investment generational wealth might I add) and also two now very famous Hollywood etc, but the TOLL for the majority is NOT worth it.

I would never ever send my child to boarding school and for me it is tantamount to abuse. I will not even get into what the 18 year old male students do with the 13 year old child girl students but can leave to your imagination.

I boarded from 9 for similar reasons, and my brothers from 8. It’s affected us all.
Google “boarding school syndrome”

There is research showing that kids boarding from 13 fair much better but I think it depends on the child. My teenage years at school were very toxic (most girls had eating disorders, would self harm etc, the boys were often bullied)

my DD is 8 now and I couldn’t begin to imagine sending her away.

Poor little boy. Every adult I know who boarded (except ones who chose to work for scholarships to board for the last 2 years of school) is monumentally screwed up.

If she wants the prestige, surely she can wait at least until 11 for it.

I know this is probably over the top and impractical, but could he live with you for the rest of primary?

I watched this some time ago and it has stayed with me. So upsetting.

the problem is .. you dont get any personal attention in boarding school. its all rules, no love so how are they supposed to learn about love and care and grow properly? If all they learn is rules and regulations all day and night for theyre whole life.

Poor girl.

or boy , not sure which but still.. poor child

I think 7 is far too young. I have a close girlfriend who went to boarding school at 6 and is still scarred by it, both in ways that she does recognise and in others that she doesn't. I also know two boys who went at ages 6 and 8 respectively and both now have issues with drug abuse and an inability to make and sustain relationships. On the other hand, my friend sent her two girls to a well-known girls' boarding school when they were 12 - one thrived and the other didn't. The thriver is an extrovert and one who hated it was much quieter and rather shy, so I think it depends to some extent on the child's personality and how well they cope with communal living and a lack of privacy. I wouldn't say that either of the girls has greatly benefitted educationally as they both have quite ordinary jobs which don't seem to justify the inordinate amount of money that was spent!

I can't imagine my 7 year old being away from me for all that time. He wouldn't cope. It would break him.

unbelievable. of course she shouldn't send a 7 year old to a boarding school.