Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

It's cruel. I can see the impact it had on my own parents. I know someone working as a helper to housemistress who is without empathy or any depth of thought.

Boarding school shouldn’t really be a thing until high school. Here in Australia it’s mostly for rural or remote families (often farmers) which is a completely different situation. I think they most don’t board until at least 12 years old.

ah Mumsnet loves to bash working mums who have to put their kids in nursery.

this has nothing to do with boarding schools. It is completely different. And get off your high horse.

That’s awful sad @BigglyBee I’m sorry that happened to you. My DD has since been diagnosed with mild autism so would likely had additional struggles socially and with noisy environments anyway … we live and learn.

Why farmers? What's the difference..... I can have my kids home most weekends, they choose not too because of their social lives...

Because in Australia, farmers can be hundreds of km from the nearest town / school. School of the air (by radio initially, now internet) works for primary school, not so well for secondary.

I don’t think it’s accurate to say that boarding is horrible for ALL children, as PP have said it very much depends on the child and the school. An ex of mine boarded from 6 or 7 and he loved it and is still the best of friends with a large group of school mates, whereas I’m hardly in touch with mine. However we have another mutual friend who boarded at the same school (girl) and hated it with a passion.

Of course there are some boarders in Australia who are there through necessity but the vast majority of farm kids board because their parents want them to go to prestigious private schools rather than the local options. I grew up in a regional area and we had 3 state secondary schools, a Catholic day school, a private girls school and a boys agricultural school in my town and still some kids were sent away to Sydney to board. And some of them came back damaged by the experience.

7 is ridiculously young and you’ll never convince me that any child benefits from the arrangement.

I went away at 10.
I noticed a quote by Kristin Scott Thomas recently along the line that 'Boarding school is a wicked thing' which sums it up for me.

Wanting to avoid normal family arguments is a worrying reason to choose boarding school I would say.

I'd find it a little odd for an adult to be that closely tied up with people he knew at school. After all, it's a small pool of people thrown together because their parents chose to send them to that school and what they had in common at that age is likely to have been things like school games and activities, children's hobbies and a shared hatred for the PE teacher. Most people grow away from that go on to develop friendships with people with whom they have much more fundamental things in common, and you don't tend to recognise that till you're older. A man clinging on to his friendship with Jones Minor and the gang he met in Year 3 would raise question marks for me.

you perhaps don't understand, your friends at school can become your substitute family...and this is why certain kids do thrive because they are able to make those emotional links that get them through the homesickness and lack of parenting. Its those that struggle to make those close friendships or have issues with 24hr bullying or toxic friendships that are then totally on their own ,which is a horrible feeling.(again i draw a line between full time boarders and those that go home every weekend, i was much happier when my parents finally moved back to the UK when i was 16, sadly by then i didnt have a good relationship with my parents either)

Why?

I met my oldest (and closest) friend when we were 7.
She has been a constant in my life and is just a really wonderful person. I feel incredibly lucky (or even blessed...) to have that kind of connection.

Whether that raises question marks is ultimately irrelevant, I suppose. But I do find it rather judgemental.

Completely unnecessary at this age...it is basically abdicating your parental responsibilities and incredibly cruel.

My father and his brother were packed up to boarding school at a very young age. It destroyed their emotional well-being and their ability to relate to people. They had very little relationship with their parents as adults.

One friend, completely understandable. Of course you can meet the person you completely click with anywhere and at any stage of your life. A whole large group of friends that you meet at the age of 7 because they happen to be in your year at school, and still your close friends as adults notwithstanding the people you've met at university, clubs, hobbies, work etc? Bit odd.

I went to boarding school at secondary level and loved it, however 7 is far too young imo.

My husband boarded from 7-13, as did his brother (2 years younger). They were choristers. The musical training they got is unsurpassed and they have great memories. Their parents found it very hard to be away for them for so long, as they were living in another part of the country and one of the parents is clergy so works every weekend all day Sunday. They also still have strong close friendships from that time.

There’s now a movement away from choir schools that require boarding all week and most of the weekend. Magdalen College choristers, some of the best in the country, no longer sing Saturdays - women replace trebles for that service - so they can spend time with parents. Canterbury Cathedral has just announced they are no longer only taking boarders and will instead take day pupils from schools around the area. So it’s definitely falling out of fashion and there is probably a recognition that boarding and very intense musical training is not good for a lot of young people.

Interestingly my FIL is very critical of himself for sending DH and BIL, but BIL and DH really loved their experience and are proud of it.

I went to a wedding this weekend and the groom - who boarded from I think 13 to 18 - paid the most wonderful tribute to his parents. He’s incredibly close to them and has been throughout his childhood and school years. There was no tinge of regret at the ‘cruelty’ of boarding school - just love for the amazing opportunities they’d given him.

That experience is common although not universal among friends who boarded (quite a lot of my friends did). They also mostly found it easier to go to university - less homesickness, more independence. Not a universal experience of course. Of my friends who boarded, more of the girls seemed to find it difficult than the boys.

So no, not everyone is damaged and it isn’t a terribly cruel experience for everyone. I don’t think I would choose boarding at age 7 for my kids, but I don’t think it’s wrong for everyone. I do think they should be able to frequently see family. The foreign students left in the boarding houses on exeat (sp?) weekends seems very sad.

In some ways I wish I had had the chance to board. I wasn’t really aware of it as an option until I was a teenager. I had an awful relationship with my narc mother and my dad wasn’t around. I did a huge amount of extra curricular activities which I could have really focused on at boarding school. I was very academic and bookish so that would have been fine.

The downside for me would have been the lack of experience of different social groups. Through church and other non-school extra curricular activities I met people who were on benefits, people who didn’t speak much English, people with disabilities. I think you’d be very limited in exposure to difference if you were in a fairly cloistered, selective environment.

This is such a weird response. You think people who are close to their childhood friends are weird? Why?

I still have nightmares about going back to mine. I always remember a Jamaican girl I boarded with who had just lost her mother. She found it really difficult to wake up in the morning (unsurprisingly she was suffering from grief) and the staff bullied and ostracised her for this. I look back and just can’t fathom how these awful women could be so cruel to a recently bereaved child.

@thing47 My DDs boarded. You really don’t have to see them every day to form a great relationship. They enjoyed boarding. I preferred not nagging about homework. We are all perfectly happy with the choice. Even though we are in a grammar county, we live rurally and we didn’t have what they needed readily available. DD1 did 12 extra activities at school. DD2 less but they both enjoyed what was on offer and actually enjoyed being with friends. All the time. Every day. Plus we saw many in the holidays as most friends were London or Hertfordshire. I think this outdated view of boarding being equivalent to locked away is, frankly, ludicrous.

Fizz, sorry but it's your view that's completely outdated and the research is there for you to look, both scientific and anecdotal. You seem to have either blissful ignorance as your dd doesn't tell you what happened or delusional as after being kicked out of her parental house you're not as close as you think. Most children will emotionally suffer being away from their parental care and love. They can hide it, but does come out later on. Boarders have an above average suicide and depression rate, which increases with the time they've been there and the earlier age.

Source?

@agentshreddie How come you think you know so much about my DDs? More than me? I don’t think so! Generalizations are frankly ludicrous. And actually nasty. Modern boarding where you see DC frequently is just a world away from being dumped at school.

Also, why on earth does anyone think DC only have school friends in life? That’s a totally bizarre! It would be odd indeed if, having loads of friends at school, no more were ever made! Of course they are. In addition to teen friends, there’s University, post grad study, work, hobbies etc. Huge opportunities for friendships and all taken!