Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

Magpie, no matter how much pastoral care is given, it is simply not parental love and care. You not knowing or understanding this is really sad. Have you gone to a boarding school? that might explain why you don't know about family love. I always feel very sad when I hear about people who have gone to boarding school. Have dozens of friends who did, young ones in their 20s, 30s, from this younger generation you speak about, not one person had a good thing to say. Relationship problems, not close to family. One suicide attempt. Please...open your eyes. It isn't supposed to be like this with children.

,My parents would have said I was happy to board; I did it because I felt I had to and had kind of been groomed into it. I cracked on with it, I got on with it, I got used to it and I put it behind me until I had my own kids and then BOOM'

This. Parents saying the kid is happy to or wants to? Rubbish. They are groomed into it, talked into it, told it's an amazing opp, made to feel the pressure... No 8/9/10/11/12 year old in a normal family ( ie not in care or something similar) would choose being sent to live in an institution over being at home with parents, siblings, friends etc

I have a friend who works/lives in a famous boarding school. She say she feels sorry for her charges because no matter how good the facilities and pastoral care she and the other staff don't love the children. That's what it comes down to. And children need love. They need it at 8 years and they need it at 16, 17, 18.
Being older doesn't mean they don't need to be looked after by people who love them.
At her school They have to put boundaries in place, for safe guarding, and to remain professional. They can't 'love' the children, even if they wanted to. Much of the pastoral care is centered around helping the girls deal with being away from their families.

I went from aged 9. Fairly resilient, happy adult now etc. It's a life experience and like all experiences when we are kids, it leaves its mark, for good or bad. Most kids have to find a way to cope with having no-one to love them or be on their side or advise them when things go wrong. They develop coping strategies, such as putting up hard emotional barriers (which enable them to switch off empathy and come across as arrogant or distant). Another one is putting up with any amount of shit from peers as there is no option to escape from bullying and relationship problems. This may be mitigated with an extremely good pastoral system. The other key effect is almost complete emotional independence from family, at least in a day to day way. I spent 4 hours last night comforting my teenage daughter who is having friendship and academic problems. She has gone to school today knowing we have her back and she can escape home at 4. If she was boarding she would have no choice but to do whatever she had to to placate the mean girls or make potentially poor decisions with no love or guidance

There has been so much research on this and none of the evidence says anything positive about sending children to boarding school so young. I understand when people did it years ago and didn't know about the impact the early years can have on a child far into adulthood but now? Kids need to to switch off from friends school etc. and have time in a loving safe environment where they can be themselves and process their day and feel secure. Without this you leave kids insecure, anxious, detached from parents and family life and it can impact on their ability to form future attachments. Can any one one of you imagine having to stay 24/7 with your colleagues and only get to go home every couple of weeks? You'd crack up why do we think it is fair and right for kids. Even King Charles talks about the negative impact boarding school had on him and how miserable he was (didn't stop him sending away his own sons mind).

My heart breaks for them they must be so lonely. I spent a week in hospital at 7. My parents came in to visit every single day but I still to this day remember the lump in my throat, fear and loneliness when they said goodbye every evening, I pretended to them everything was fine because I didn't want them upset. That was only a week and the thought of me lying in that hospital bed at night still upsets me 40 years on!

8 is too young unless huge issues in the home environment that mean they actually get better care and support by being in school than at home. But as someone with experience of the boarding system it is not all the horror that it is portrayed as; having been both day child in a boarding school and later going on to board. I would happily send my children as teenagers if I could afford it and they wanted to.

Sending an 8 year old to boarding school should be considered child neglect

I believe Cottesmore takes 4 year old boarders. At least that's what it states on their website. I know a family who sent their kids here at 7 and they definitely weren't the youngest there

@wimbler

That's the pre-prep day school for 4-8yr olds.

It doesn't mention boarding until Prep.

I cannot believe any UK school takes boarders younger than 7-8yrs

I personally feel if you are sending DCs to board at 7 or 11 you are essentially outsourcing care of your children through some of their most formative years. Not being as close to them as a consequence of not living with them through these (sometimes difficult) adolescent and teenage years should not come as a huge surprise to anyone.

I take the point that @MagpieSong is making, that boarding no longer looks like it did for our generation, and I'm sure she is right to say it is much better now. Nevertheless I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my DCs, not as little. I feel I really benefit from knowing their friends as they were growing up.

We don't have the money to do BS, but my DB does and his daughters love boarding. Not your child, not your decision @Bringonsummer19 I'm glad you're not my sister.

One of my friend’s sons went , aged seven, as a chorister scholar to a school which had boarders . They lived within commuting distance so he was a day boy ( though it was quite a lot of travelling). I think the split was about 30% boarder to 70% day boy.

After two terms the DS begged to be allowed to be a weekly boarder. He was very keen on sport as well as singing, and he wanted to be part of the after school teams. DM was quite upset, but agreed to give it a go. He loved it. After his voice broke, he achieved a scholarship to the attached senior school. He boarded weekly there, too.

He seems like a happy and fulfilled guy, with a good family relationship. He also has a very successful musical career.

And to this day, 30 years on, my parents don't have a clue about how I feel about being sent to boarding school. Because we simply are not that close. I am dutiful, on a superficial level I do all the right things but it is very much an arms' length relationship, it just is. The one time my partner tried to bring it up with them actually, they were very much of the opinion that it was my choice; I wanted to go; and worst of all .... "they didn't want to split the family up by father having to travel every week and only be home for weekends". Yet, I was the collateral by being sent away for weeks at a time.

I know in their own way they were doing what was best for me; I went to 7 different primary schools (yep so shafted both ends). My father himself had been to BS and my education was important to them. However. I am trying really hard to "get over it", I'm in therapy, but it is honestly still really hard to come to terms with.

My family were also posted when I started BS so I came back to a new quarter in a new town. Those long holidays you speak of? Well, I had nobody. I didn't know anyone. There was nowhere to walk to (apart from the NAAFI). It was rubbish.

I am using this thread to vent a bit; and I do hear what people are saying about boarder's current experiences not coming through etc but still, I will always believe happiness, attachment & love is more important than education. Sending my thoughts to any ex-boarders affected by this thread who are finding it hard/cathartic/recognition that it was traumatic.

My family are all at arms length and they went to day state school! Not my DC but other family are very distant. It’s not school, it’s personality and attitude. Seeing an 11 or 13 year old once a fortnight doesn’t mean there’s no love. It might even mean child is not helicoptered!!

@TizerorFizz if you feared that you were going to helicopter your DC, you could have found less drastic ways around it rather than sending them to live somewhere else. There is overwhelming evidence that boarding schools are harmful to emotional development. Seeing an 11 or 13 year old once a fortnight doesn't foster a close parental relationship. There is plenty of time for that once they don't need you in the same way any more.

Crikey, we love the kids, safeguarding and boundaries doesn't mean you don't love the kids you're caring for. There is something to love about each and every child in boarding school. If I felt nothing but pity for the kids in my school I'd resign tomorrow, because I'd be a bad house parent.

Not at all and I’m not arguing it is. I’m technically against all private schools as a bit of a leftie and am lucky to feel and give (and receive) plenty of family love. I was simply explaining a previous posters’ point, that it’s a very different experience for current boarders than it was in the majority of UK schools. It’s not a choice I’d make for my children or family and I’ve never experienced it. You’ve jumped the gun a bit there. I’m an adoptee and would always want and have my own children in my personal family home, I’m fact my toddler still breastfeeds in my bed and my 8yo adores his bedtime chats and stories in his room. However, I do agree with the pp it’s a different experience in todays schools and therefore the exact impact on children won’t be the same. A school can never replace a family, it’s an institution, but that doesn’t mean all current flexi-boarders will come out with the same effects that boarders who not saw their parents in the holidays had. We simply won’t know what the effects are until todays boarder’s are grown. It’s never going to be the best option, as I said, but I can see certain situations where it’s the one of the least worst. I do know a number of adults who boarded and have found a variety of situations, some very sad and others very happy, mainly due to age, personality and previous home life. I’m really sorry to hear about your friend who attempted suicide, that’s ever so difficult and a very distressing experience for them.

(my reply was to poopoolittlekitten btw, it decided not to quote even though I asked it to)

It's not fair to compare boarding school to an idealised home situation with loving and attentive parents. Plenty of kids who don't go to boarding school don't have that.

It's disgusting!

How horrible for the child

My DD tried boarding school. She lasted two terms. We live on a remote island and she wanted to make friends. The bullying, cliques, loneliness… and she was twelve. The idea of allowing that at seven is hard to fathom…

@RivieraSunTerrace
We have a very close family relationship. Thanks for your concern but you don’t need to worry! I also don’t need to be preached to. Thank you.

When our local secondary school was built, about 35 years ago now, there was a separate hostel built for boarders from smaller, more remote islands (ours is remote but not all that small). The kids went home at weekends if the weather allowed it. The building was nice, the people in charge were kind, but for kids used to a close extended family setup, it was really difficult. I started there the year after it opened, but as a day pupil. I'm not sure how long the boarding thing lasted, but I get the impression it wasn't very long. Now the smaller islands have secondary provision and the hostel is used for support for learning and music classes.

You did exactly the right thing in allowing your daughter to come home. I desperately wanted that, but I think I was quite a difficult child and my parents left me there until they moved and didn't want to continue paying the bill.

@TizerorFizz, as I said, each to their own and of course I have no specific concern for the closeness of your relationship with your offspring, genuine or otherwise. However, as a a general point, I am allowed to comment when boarding is projected as something wonderful for DC when it is often more about outsourcing the perceived dull bits of parenting and/or trying to buy access to a certain social circle. I say 'trying' with the latter as that aspect is very hierarchical in reality. It is totally achievable to provide DC with a similar breadth of activities and opportunities with a bit of parental effort and without having to farm them out.