Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/540491/HOCS_FOI_2016_07024___Continuity_of_education_allowance_claimed_for_children_from_Service_Personnel__SP__of_cost__maximum_of_category_from_2015_to_2016.pdf

This is interesting and shows CEA by rank and where it’s spent.

It is by far mainly claimed by officers

And by people based in the UK when the claim was made

Your point being….? Have you considered the age demographic of the officers who are claiming this allowance. A Lt Col in (typically) mid-late 40s is much more likely to have children of school age than a 19-year-old private, wouldn’t you say?

There are some locations overseas that have zero secondary schools. Hence boarding school.

I myself went to boarding school - best years of my life, and my friends today are those I met all those years ago.

Fucking hell...now I'm feeling like the worst working mother in the world! I had no choice but to drop my baby in nursery at 7.30am and pick her up at 6pm (later than your suggested 5.30...shock, horror!!) because, guess what?? I was a single mum and had to work! 😱

Judgmental, much!

YANBU. 7?! Far, far too young. Your poor DNiece.

Amd your DSis is a SAHM! Why can’t she just take her to the local primary each day?? Far better that she stays with her DM and moves schools a few times than boards at 7. So cruel.

Please make sure you stay close to your DNiece, contact her and see her for visits- it sounds like she’s going to need a lot of love and affection from other quarters through her life.

7 😞

So, in military families and others that move around overseas for work, the adult couple cannot consider being separated for a few months at a time, but expect a 7 year old child to be ok with being separated?

Sorry, I see you’ve got a DNephew not DNiece- but my point is the same. Please try and see lots of him and let him know he is loved.

I personally couldn't send my son (age 9) to boarding school- we would just miss him so much and he would miss us. I honestly can't imagine not seeing him each morning, asking about his day, what he had for school lunch, who he played with etc. Taking him to swimming and cubs.

Even with a parent in the military, it is absolutely possible for children not to have to board. My brother is in the army and is now a staff sergeant. He had two children 15 and 10 and neither have ever boarded. They go to schools locally that are close to camp. Due to his role, he is mostly UK based now but he has always said that if he needed to go abroad, his wife would stay here with the children and he would go alone, coming back as often as possible.

This is from 7 years ago though. The rules are considerably tighter now - I’d be very interested to see an updated version.

OK the rules have clearly changed but there was def one in Wilts/Surrey that took from age 3, they advertised in our military magazine, specifically remember discussing it with others pre children do I was under 25. Now it appears you can only fully board at 7.

So it wasn't nonsense..... It was a thing. Maybe not today, but was only 15 or do years ago.

Of course it's not absolutely essential for the child to attend a boarding school. It's also not the government who is paying but the tax payer.

It isn't essential for the family to stay on base. The family can rent or buy a home off base and have a stable home. A few family moves are not that unusual and will certainly not be devastating for a child who is living with their parents and receives their daily support. Boarding school aged 7 is far, far more likely to be. In the situation described, where the dad is the country and the mum doesn't work at all, it is a shockingly bad decision.

@JackSprattAndWife Have you ever looked at how most boarding schools work these days? Very few UK based children in a UK boarding school only sees parents in the holidays. It’s simply not what happens. We saw DDs around every 2 weeks. They could have come home nearly every weekend, except for the house activity weekends which they were committed to, but they liked staying at school with friends. They were not 7, but y7-13. They are perfectly fine young women. They don’t have issues about boarding and thoroughly enjoyed it.

It’s very judgemental to say boarding is wrong when virtually no boarding parents are posting. It’s a decision we took with DDs being on board. They were not sent anywhere. We had no homework nagging. No bedtime nagging. No running around to different clubs or activities. No arguments - bliss! For them too! Of course we talked! Parents are still able to talk to DCs. No great need for this to be every day, DDs were happy with two homes.

My DDs also did a term exchange to South Africa. We didn’t see them for this term. Other DDs went to New Zealand and Australia. They all thrived. They were 13. Some DC are outgoing and want more out of life and grasp opportunities. They don’t need immediate family every day. This was pre Skype! Others need parents and we all make judgements about what is best for DC. Boarding can be wonderful. It’s not for everyone though.

Lots of children who went to boarding school themselves have posted and many have said that it was damaging. I think it's unlikely that they discussed the extent of the damage with their parents who may not have listened anyway. It can be quite often the case the parents are simply unaware and that children put a brave face on because that is what is expected. Of course it was easier for you and other parents with no day to day parenting responsibilities but it doesn't follow that it is best for the child. Learning to have deal with conflicts in relationships, to have give and take with their siblings, to have a hug with a parent when they are upset and really positive things and teach the child about how to behave in future relationships.

Of my many friends who have gone to boarding school, I don't know any who are particularly close to their parents. They all say boarding adversely affected their relationships with their parents. Very few have perpetuated the boarding with their own DC. I feel that my own DC's childhoods have flown by, I have loved having them at home and have never minded in the slightest ferrying them to clubs etc. Sibling squabbles are just a normal part of life and can make DC closer in the long run. I can't see that we could possibly have the same depth of relationship if I had outsourced them and opted for a sanitised version of parenting.

I went to boarding school aged 9 and I absolutely loved it. My school was in the countryside and had a big focus on horses which was fabulous for me.

What I have realise now as an adult though, is that a lot of my best memories from childhood do not include my parents.

I loved boarding school but it definitely separated me from my family and we never recovered that closeness.

DH’s parents would say the same things about him. In reality he feels guilty that they both worked so hard to pay his fees that he won’t tell them that he wishes he went to day school. I also think the no nagging or arguments thing is a bit strange. I noticed this as soon as I joined DH’s family - they have no idea how to disagree with each other so everyone always has to
pretend all is well which has resulted in some very strange family dynamics.

That said, I think I know which school your DDs went to (if I’ve got the right poster) because you’ve mentioned it elsewhere here and I remembered because my best friend went there. Given that it’s a day school with boarding rather than a full on boarding school the experience and vibe might’ve been quite different.

We disagree (who doesn’t?) and can talk to each other. I don’t really see how one set of anecdotes trumps another. It’s not as if we didn’t see each other. We had long holidays together and weekends at home were not pressurised regarding homework. I think it’s grossly unfair and demeaning to say my DDs must have “issues” due to boarding. They simply don’t. I see nothing wrong with maintaining a stress free environment either. For them and us. We all benefitted. As usual a lot of people who haven't boarded think they know better. You don’t know better for my family.

I don’t think anyone said they did know better for your family, nor did anyone say your daughters had issues But you keep saying that other posters don’t know anything about boarding. You can read the accounts of dozens of boarders/spouses of boarders on this thread and many others on here… These are the exact people who know about it!

How many privates are ultimately promoted to Lt Cols?

The table also shows warrant officers - 200 children vs 1,200 for LtCols.

As I said officers are more likely to claim it.

Very good question. It should be abolished. As a PP pointed out the family can just stay in existing quarters for stability for their children when one parent is reposted.

Its worth remembering some of those claimants will in fact be single parents without a trailing spouse to look after the children, or be two serving parents.

As I've said, its not something we use... but it does have its place.

For example we spent several years abroad. DDs attended the Forces Primary school, considered brilliant. The Secondary however was limited. Bearing in mind there could be 20 kids in a year group at the Secondary school, at GCSE and Alevel it was a very restricted choice. Thats when most tended to go to Boarding instead.

@TizerorFizz real life isn't sanitised like that. A big part of being close as a family is helping DC through the tough times, not just channeling family life through rose-tinted holidays and homework-free weekends and leaving others to manage the grotty bits. I do know boarding and its effects and I wouldn't opt for it ever. My DH went to Eton and wouldn't send his own sons there in a thousand years. Each to their own though.

Its worth remembering some of those claimants will in fact be single parents without a trailing spouse to look after the children, or be two serving parents.

Vanishingly few. I suspect the vast majority of military personnel who find themselves a lone parent to young children leave the military. People can always come up with outliers and wild hypothetical stories but in reality, in the vast majority of cases, there are always other options. Including getting a different job.

Incidentally this tiny proportion ot those using the scheme who are lone parents reposted abroad (if any) will undoubtedly be a far smaller percentage of the total using this taxpayer funded private school scheme than the percentage of children in nursery because they have a lone parent who works full time; with such parents slated earlier in the thread by a PP attempting to imply a false equivalence between the two.

Whilst I agree it’s never the best option, only the least worst, one of the points @TizerorFizz is making is that boarders who are now grown often had a very different experience that was traumatic. They often went home only in the holidays meaning long stretches without parental contact. Safeguarding and pastoral care was not understood properly nor prioritised. Schools often aimed at a highly competitive atmosphere where children would be desperately trying to outshine peers. For some people posting having been in some schools, fagging may have been something to contend with. It was a very different experience to the majority of todays boarding schools where children come home weekends and there are sometimes school events in the week where parents can attend. Equally children usually have phones, or if not allowed, phone cards and Skype to phone home and chat. There was no recognition in previous generations of the importance of maintaining contact with parents. A very select number of schools still do the full term boarding where the children only go home for holidays, but even they have hugely improved their pastoral care. We won’t know for certain how it affects children in this generation until this generation have grown and can speak about it. I think tizerorfizz is just trying to point out that while the experiences of the boarders on this thread are absolutely valid and important to listen to, they may not fully match up to the experiences of todays young boarders.