Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

Of course. Being a non-boarder doesn't mean a child's home life is going to be perfect, or even good. I object to the practice of sending a child away for any reason other than extreme necessity.

My brother went to boarding school at 7. As an adult, he has mental health issues and is unable to form any kind of relationship. We are virtually estranged and it's so sad. I blame boarding school. Several of his ex class mates are dead through addiction or suicide. DD is 7 and there's just no way I'd send her. Makes things awkward with DM as I just can't fathom how they were able to do it.

I work in a boarding school that take from 7-13. It suits some but honestly the kids we see who you can tell are going to struggle as adults is because they have shit parents, not that the school environment is bad. We have kids who are here because parents are expats, or work away a lot (we do Flexi) but also the ones who are here to be out of the way. Kids know, it's heartbreaking.

There may be very good reasons for parents doing it but the fact remains that it is damaging to a young child to be sent away from their home. They will feel abandoned and confused by the decision, no matter how confident they turn out to be.

I can actually see the benefit in an arrangement for a child whose single parent works away to sleep at school one night here and there. I have a single parent doctor friend whose daughter stayed at a childminder's every so often when she was on call, and if you are in that situation it's really hard to get childcare.

I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered from my experience. Reading this thread has made me cry.

I boarded (sixth form only) and ime it makes DCs, particularly those who have boarded from 7 or 11, have a less close relationship with their parents.

I guess on one level that isn't surprising, and on the plus side it did create a degree of resilience and independence.

But I decided I didn't want that for my own DCs, I wanted to have them around and I wanted to know their friends. Years later I believe that decision has paid off in terms of my relationships with them.

Because ‘continuity of education’ and all that bollocks is a euphemism for ‘dump our kid so I can be lazy and following DH around, having fun times abroad’.

There aren’t that many overseas postings available now, so I would scratch the having fun times abroad!

I presume your first sentence is aimed at me. Where did I say only boarders can be emotional abusers and narcissists?

Being sent to board so young is one route to being screwed up. There are many roads that lead there but why would you choose to send your child down any of them?

FWIW I was a military wife, would have been entitled to CEA for our children but I chose to stay put and provide a stable home for them while he went away. You choose your priorities I guess. My children were mine.

My mother was an under matron at a prep school in the 1960s. She said it was horrendous how traumatised those little children were, being sent away at seven and eight. She said if I did that she would disown me.

There's a prestigious public school here and a fair number of prep schools. One of them advertises 'boarding from 4 years old'. It make me feel sick every time I see it.

I find that so hard to believe, whereabouts is that?

Hampshire. I hope its simply a bit of advertising left over from the days of Empire and nobody actually does it these days. It's unthinkable isnt it?

This going to boarding school at 7 does seem to be a perculiarly British thing.

I'm Western Australian, where distance to schools can actually be a real thing. Here the boarding schools start at 12.for.high school but the numbers are low and only rise significantly at 15 for the last 3 years of school as those 3 years seems to enough to raise the children's university entrance scores if that is the concern from parents and because some rural high schools only go to 15 and the children will have to travel anyway.a big distance for a senior high school..
Truly remote living children can do distance learning til 15.

My poor father back in the 50s did get sent to boarding school at 5 though. His father was a Scottish doctor from a military family, and though living in suburban Australia a few doors from a local primary insisted on sending his children to boarding at 5 like he had been. My Australian born grandmother always said she regretted it and refused to send her younger 2 children. My mother on the other hand grew up in rural WA where the high school only went to 15, and boarded in Perth for 2 years prior to university, paid for by the government. Their experiences and feeling about boarding were absolutely different

Was listening to a podcast about Winston Churchill the other day. Boarded from 7. Heartbreaking letters home that rarely received a response. Foul parents, so possibly better off without them, but this is how Great Men are made. Apparently.

Moving schools every 6 months would be worse. Military can get posted anywhere in the UK or abroad, and although it would be unlucky to get a new posting every 6 months, it is not unheard of.

This applies to secondary schools.....like many of us have said, enrolling at 7 is not the norm!!

My kids have travelled with us. We all had fun. I don't get the Ops sisters thought process at all tbh, along with other military posters.

Even in the middle east and africa, the kids are provided for, rather well actually.

My eldest chose to go to BS as she was tired of making new friends. I can say without a shadow of doubt that she is not traumatised or a narcissistic and smashed her GSCEs.... I doubt she would have done in the UK state schools as the whole environment is different.

My youngest goes after summer and cannot wait, she's already started packing.

At 7 moving schools every 6 months would absolutely not be worse for the child than not living with their parent's. Maybe for an older child attending secondary school yes the boarding school might be the lesser of two evils if the alternative really would be to move every 6 months but for a 7 year old absolutely not.

Not true ,my dad wasn’t an officer.I went to 3 separate primary schools before boarding school …I still wouldn’t choose it for my kids but my mum was an RAF kid herself and moved many more times including 2 overseas postings, and suffered the consequences of a disrupted education,so I get why parents choose to send their kids for a settled education. unfortunately for many this doesn’t compensate for the break in family bonds and emotional issues. I feel sorry for the current forces families though as I suspect they are operational/have been operational in difficult circumstances far more often than in my “group “ of the 70s and 80s when a posting in Germany was valued and v .generous financially and everyone came back with updated cars and electronics! I equally get why some spouses choose to do accompanied postings, there’s a high relationship breakdown rate in the forces and if you want to work on your marriage it might be hard to not go with your spouse.

Both my kids coincidentally have both been in 5 primary schools at age 10. The eldest had so many gaps in math, English, science etc but she smashed top grades across the board from boarding since 11.

And also, my kids have gained so much travelling and life experiences moving with me, both have said they would never ever change that.

Eh.... That has not been the case for many many years.

Services families can be moved to different bases every few years and their children face not just a change of home and school but losing friends and having to make new ones. Often they're also in a different country, climate, culture. It's hugely disruptive.

I can see the advantage and stability of staying in one school, one educational system, the same social group. culture and language. It's not ideal but for some children it may be the lesser evil.

My DDs have also attended 5 Primary schools.

It was the not getting a school place for DD for half a term that prompted us to go Married Unaccompanied. Boarding School would have been the worse thing in the world for her, she needed stability and normal life... up to then it had been great.

Boarding school suits many military kids but Married Unaccompanied is better for some families.

The 5hr commute for DH is a pain.