Wedding invitation - please give us your money (basically)

[Truestorypeeps]

Received a second wedding invitation in a row which mentions words to the affect of, we would very much appreciate money towards our honeymoon as a gift. I personally couldn't physically write this in an invitation as it just feels presumptuous and tasteless.

Maybe this last invite got my back up as this couple have been together well over ten years, already have children, earn c.150k between them, massive house and already go on countless holidays at home and abroad. They could have easily omitted such a line from the invite. I understand they don't want toasters and towels, but surely there's another way?! E.g. heading, 'wedding gifts', below - 'your presence at our wedding would be more than enough, but if you'd like to gift us something to mark this day, please give a donation to XYZ charity which is close to our hearts because of XYZ??? Owing to the fact they are bloody rolling in it.

We have given to the honeymoon excursion thing, well it was.a work colleague of Dh so.a few of them put together and bought a pricier activity..

Not an especially long time, no. No, I'm slightly younger. I am a friend. Believe it or not, I like these people! This post was an exercise in seeing if 'is it just me, or?'

I have a friend whose ex partner is Greek. The tradition at Greek weddings is to put money in an envelope which you hand to the best man in the greeting line at the reception. There’s a hierarchy of how much you give depending on your relationship to the bride or groom. Everyone and his dog goes to the reception, often huge wedding hall with a thousand or more attendees.
Her ex used to boast that at his first wedding they received the equivalent of about £25000 — and that was in about 1990.
Pity it’s not the same here, a card isn’t expected , most money is anonymous or can be, so no one knows if you put in £5 or £500.
No tacky requests, no stress shopping for gifts.

YANBU. It's grabby as fuck. If you can't afford a honeymoon without your guests funding it, then scale down.

They’ll be spending a lot of money on YOU that day, easily £100 a head by the time you incorporate canapés, champagne, 3 course meal, coffee, more champagne for the toast, buffet with the evening reception.

Yes - most people aren't transactional about it, but there's no reason at all why somebody should be expected to spend a fortune on your family's day out, but suddenly they are CFs if there's any suggestion that you might wish to reciprocate by giving them a present or contribution.

It's irrelevant if they're already well-off: they aren't begging for charity from you whilst claiming poverty; it's just a nice friendly thing for you both to do for/with each other, with the excuse of their very special occasion.

Had this dilemma when we married, didnt want gifts, didnt need anything. But was encouraged to be specific because unfortunately people cant not buy anything. So we used a poem basically saying we didnt want or need anything jist appreciate their presence but if they wanted to we would request vouchers for a particular store.

Ended up with a lot of champagne, a lot of random gifts, all massively appreciated but we had No room for and over £5k in cash and gifts because some people thought cash was easier.

Doesnt matter what you do, people will still want to do something and the lack of direction causes upset and constant chasing.

When we christened our 1st child we specifically said No gifts (nicely, most people had already bought bridal shower gifts and then sent them presents when born) but they could make a charity donation of their choice in their name should they so wish.
Guess what... Still ended up with a lot of gifts!

Why does everyone care so much about etiquette? I have, and would again, turned up to a wedding empty handed. It’s tacky and crass in the extreme to ask for money or gifts, it should be entirely at the giver’s discretion. I don’t expect any gifts for my birthday, I just want people to turn up and have fun with me. I’d apply the same thought process to my wedding, it’s just gross to demand and expect people to give you stuff.

This.

Best wedding 'list' I ever saw said something like "we have everything we need for our house but nothing for the garden, so would really welcome any seeds or cutting you can spare to help it grow!" They got some lovely things like treasured seedlings and cuttings and saved seeds with a story behind them (and some other gardening presents like tools and garden centre vouchers) and it didn't feel grabby in any way... still visit them and can see our gift growing!

I'm not in the least bit jealous... good on them for earning so much. They aren't in your face about it and are down to earth and we get on well. Apologies if I'm not the monster you make me out to be.

I don't drink. Have something to say about that too?

If I do go, I'd give the cash tbh. This post wasn't me trying to justify not giving a gift, it was to see if other people felt the same about people outright requesting, specifying, cash for a gift on the wedding invite and whether or not it's tacky.

You know, you can find ONE single action that someone does tacky without being someone who constantly slags then off!

I was so against putting anything about gifts in our invitations so we didn't mention it at all. A few people asked and we said if they wanted to give a gift then JL vouchers would be lovely. We received mainly cash gifts anyway so not saying anything pushed people in that direction if they wanted to give us a gift.

One part of the invitation I did not agree with. It has NOTHING to do with my opinion of the couple themselves and who they are. That is completely different and distinct.

Oh OP, you're now trying to convince us you're good friends, you like them, you're not jealous? I'm not buying into that narrative but knock yourself out, I'm sure you can convince yourself. But tbh, you sound like the worst kind friend to have

Pity it’s not the same here, a card isn’t expected , most money is anonymous or can be, so no one knows if you put in £5 or £500.

You've just reminded me of a fabulous post on an old CF wedding thread, where they had a 'give us money' wishing well; but instead of everybody posting what they wanted to give and the B&G opening them all later, the bride stood next to it the whole time and, as soon as somebody dropped an envelope in, she instantly took it out and looked how much they'd given, suggesting whether she believed it to be insufficient!

Also another one, where the B&G had apparently done some kind of advance financial health-check on all their guests and then emailed the people soon afterwards whom they believed hadn't given adequately commensurate with their income/wealth, 'inviting' them to 'top up' their contribution to a more 'fitting' amount! Imagine clicking on the message from the happy couple, expecting to see "Thank you so much for helping us to celebrate our special day and also for your very kind gift" and then, instead, it's just rebuking you for being a tight-arse and demanding more money!

I think asking for money is fine but can put you in a bit more awkward (and expensive!! ) situation. How much do you put in? Yes, so like PP say enough to cover your meal so say a wedding menu costs £50 per person. Two of us and then for our children so say £200 pounds in total. Plus, we are taking a day off work, another £150 quid for one of us and a days a/l for the other. OH will need to hire or buy a new suit and shoes (his one suit doesn't fit anymore) that's another £100 - £150 quid. Then taxi there and back £80 pounds. For someone elses party.! I will give them money, they are a lovely couple but aouch! It is expensive attending someone else's wedding and I think couples sometimes forget this as they are forking out a lot for their wedding. But near enough £500 pounds is so much money for us, and for one day! If they hadn't specifically requested money, I would find something lovely but it would be nearer to £100. I can't put just £100 in when they have invited our whole family. We will have to scrimp and also perhaps drive ourselves, which means one of us can't have a drink. Not the end of the world but surely, the point of inviting someone is not really for them to pay for their own meal? One that they haven't even chosen themselves and may not like😁.
Side note, the hen party came in at £900 per person!! I just couldn't justify this for just me as it would mean my family would have to go without so had to turn it down, very sadly. The bride to be was quite miffed as so many people pulled out because of the cost. It just gets too expensive.
I sound grumpy now, I'm very much looking forward to seeing them get married and will start putting money aside!

This is so cringingly pretentious I'm surprised you can breathe.

Totally. And what's weirder is that most of the people who object so much seem to have no issue with a more traditional gift list at John Lewis or similar. I don't see the difference.

I would much rather give a contribution to a honeymoon moon than have to guess at what someone might want.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll I'm now imagining opening an invite and seeing "please donate to Jim Davidson In Need on our behalf" Ahahaha no!

If you don’t say anything you end up with lots of people not being sure, then having to ask around and it’s even more awkward.

"we specifically said No gifts"

Much more classy and shows that a gift is not expected. Yes, as you say, you will still get gifts as people often do really want to give something but if it is unwanted, a friend/family member/charity shop will gladly take things off your hands. It's the thought that counts.

Why does everyone care so much about etiquette?

Because it gives you the social rules to make things easier. I often laugh at people who are moaning about not knowing what to expect, what to wear, are gifts needed, do I have do X, should we be doing Y, etc… But in the same breath bitch about how outdated etiquette rules are.

Although I agree with you OP, I think times have changed. I mean I wouldn't dream of rocking up to a wedding and not providing a gift. I think today that gift is likely to be money. Many people who are not wed live together nowadays, and so there is no need to buy saucepans, washing machines and crockery. They've already set up a home, therefore, I'd be happy to stick a couple of hundred in a card. That pays for our meal, and hopefully there is some leftover to pay for their honeymoon.

I do like your idea of charity donations though, especially if someone is solvent.

Crystal that never gets used? We end up with loads of Mr and Mrs photo frames, teddies and glasses from the card factory!

I'd much rather be told what to get. Gift vouchers for x as we want to do y. Happy days.

Not your wedding, not your choice. You sound judgey to me - £150k isn't rolling in it, it might be more than you have but it's def no rolling in it!

Weddings are expensive, gifts never cover h of the reception, so why not cash. Its simple and means they can direct their presents to what they need.

YABVeryU