Wedding invitation - please give us your money (basically)

[Truestorypeeps]

Received a second wedding invitation in a row which mentions words to the affect of, we would very much appreciate money towards our honeymoon as a gift. I personally couldn't physically write this in an invitation as it just feels presumptuous and tasteless.

Maybe this last invite got my back up as this couple have been together well over ten years, already have children, earn c.150k between them, massive house and already go on countless holidays at home and abroad. They could have easily omitted such a line from the invite. I understand they don't want toasters and towels, but surely there's another way?! E.g. heading, 'wedding gifts', below - 'your presence at our wedding would be more than enough, but if you'd like to gift us something to mark this day, please give a donation to XYZ charity which is close to our hearts because of XYZ??? Owing to the fact they are bloody rolling in it.

Oh I read it. Tell me you don't understand the nuances of my two comments without telling me you don't understand the nuances...so fucking tiresome, childish snd ridiculous. Yep, typical MN.
Please stop quoting me or bringing my comments into yours when they have no relevance whatsoever.

I think a few people (family) asked my parents and they made it known that money would be gratefully received but that nothing was required.

Odds are at least some of those people were irritated at feeling they had to do that because you hadn't provided guidance. Speaking of justifying one's behaviour. There really isn't a way to deal with present etiquette now that doesn't piss some people off, unless you're from a culture that already does cash (thankfully we are!)

I do agree things have moved more and more towards people automatically giving cash though, over the last few years, and I think you'd probably have had fewer people contacting your parents for ideas now than you did in 2013.

Personally yes I do think asking for anything at all is tacky. It should be up to the guests whether they want to give them anything. If I got an invite saying “no gifts” I’d take that at face value and not give them anything (and u find it really weird and rude that people ignore that request and give them stuff anyway!)

that said, I’d turn up empty handed even if the invite did ask for gifts or money, unless I genuinely wanted to give them something.

@Dontbelieveaword no idea what about my comment offended you so strongly.
I quoted you because I clicked the wrong comment to quote, but your reaction is beyond ridiculous 😂 It's MN, it's anonymous and people quote people. Maybe hide the thread if it's going to cause you so much drama 🫠 And pardon me for not picking up on nuance in a typed post. I'm autistic as well as dyslexic so no nuance isn't really that clear to me. But no doubt that'll somehow enrage you too so you do you.

God, what a palaver. Just bung £20 in the card or if you don't like them don't accept the invitation.

Indian weddings often say, "no boxed gifts" - I like that, it doesn't sound grabby.

Just because lots of people do it, it doesn't mean it's not still rude!

I went to about 20 weddings at one point, all mentioned gifts or money (politely IMO) in the information that went with the invitation.

If the convention is to act in a particular way and you are doing something different, then you are the one likely to cause offence or inconvenience.

Couldn’t agree more OP. It’s really tasteless

So if the invite says nothing, but you want to give a gift, how will you decide what to buy? Pick something at random that might be a waste of money if the couple don't want/need it, or bother them by being one of many people to ask them what they want?

For the latter, putting it on the invite just avoids being harassed by all your guests for details, the same reason you put the address of the venue on there. Surely?

Wouldn’t bother me at all - cba to look for a present so saves me a job!

Its traditional in this country to give a wedding present. Round our way £100 is seen as about right or buy off a list or give a present to that sort of value. (unless you are skint/student etc).

I have no problem with someone saying give me money instead of a gift.

We said no gifts as many of the guests had been at DH's previous wedding, my guests had paid a lot of money to travel to the wedding, we are old and comfortably off. We still got some money, some gifts, some very personalised lovely gifts....it was all ok. Some people were really uncomfortable with not giving a gift - some people were fine with it.

We asked for cash. I don't really care what people online think of that because 90% of our guests did the same or had a gift list.

Despite asking for it, we did indeed still receive 5 Mr & Mrs mugs, loads of photo frames, a set of 'posh', engraved spoons, wall plaques/live, laugh, love wall art and other stuff that we just didn't want.

Awful behaviour imo. And no one buys the couple a toaster or dinner service anymore... it's a very dated thing to do so I don't think that's a concern. Personally I think you shouldn't even mention gifts on the invite. It's presumptuous and tacky. Most people if it's not mentioned will give money or vouchers anyway.

This would not bother me at all, a gift is a gift. I love a good wedding with all the trimmings!

Hope you never get invited to a Greek wedding where you pin cash onto the brides dress! Or an Italian one where you also contribute cash to the wedding costs in an envelope. 😆

In etiquette gifts should NEVER be mentioned. They are an optional extra for the giver to decide upon and should only ever be mentioned IF the giver chooses to ask you for your input.

It's grabby to mention them (says they are the forefront of your mind and thus you expect them and makes them a requirement of attendance regardless of wording). Especially if you are the host of your own party (as most weddings are now).

I'm from a pretty 'lower class' area and I have never ever seen gifts mentioned on anything around here. Maybe because everyones in the same boat finically so its not about 'stuff' but more camaraderie. It's when I move up the chain to the middle I have encounter it, going further up to the few 'old money' types I know it seems to stop again (would be deemed uncouth).

I find it strange that basic manner completely seem to have missed the middle classes (who have no need to have their hands out anyway).

Working class background, British but with cultural roots elsewhere, none of this remotely relates with my experience.

Honestly, the big problem with this issue is that people insist on generalising. It's obvious that we're in a situation where the wedding present etiquette in the UK is somewhat in flux, that's about the one thing everyone can agree on, and that there's no way of handling the issue that isn't going to peeve some people.

To be honest if someone is so rude and entitled as to demand a certain type of gift I would be tempted to get them the opposite. Its actually fairly common consensus reaction to rude gift requests on wedding forums... seems your guests felt exactly the same and their actions say volumes you just missed it.

One etiquette guidance cannot be represented across the country. The many threads about this show how much cultures differ where wedding customs and traditions are concerned. The couple also can’t get it right because of the different expectations.

If you’re close enough to be invited to a wedding, you know the B&G and therefore should know their personalities. If they are generally grabby people who are expecting too much and will speak badly of guests that didn’t meet their unreasonable expectations politely decline and leave it at that. Otherwise, just accept it as a difference of opinion and respect their wishes. The rudest people of all are those like the OP that assassinate their character, slag them off, intentionally do not respect their wishes yet still want to attend the wedding

It’s unlikely I’d want to buy a gift tbh. I’m not really a gift person (and yes that extends to receiving them too)

When we got married we didn't mention gifts at all on our invite. We were getting married because we wanted to,not for the gifts or money. In the end we got mainly money/vouchers and then a few gifts, (only one Mr and Mrs mug set) then some people just wrote a card. We were over the moon with the generosity. We just wanted people to turn up and celebrate with us.

There should be a rule about requesting things via terrible poetry. Also the phrase "let your hair down" in respect to childfree weddings. Don't mind either childfree weddings or being told what the guest would like in regards to presents but can't stomach the poems.

Haven't seen one of these threads in ages. There used to be about one a week on Mumsnet when I first joined (which was back in the Cretaceous period)

I go to my fair share of weddings. I haven't seen a gift list with actual gifts since 2008. Every wedding has been money.

The poems are twee and naff, but I think it's just because we're entering a new 'era' and it's part of the transition to a new etiquette. Giving money will become the new norm I think, probably by the time my kids get married there won't be a need to mention gifts/money because it will have become the norm and everyone will just know to give money.

Personally I think the etiquette of 'gifts/money shouldn't be mentioned on an invite' is harking back to the olden days and things have moved on. It fits more with etiquette like parents of the bride pay for the wedding/send the invites etc.
Its really really normal to ask for money instead, on the invites, and people complaining it's 'crass' or 'tacky' just makes them sound like some sort of Hyacinth Bucket type.

You do you! But I do think its quite unusual to not want to gift a couple anything at all on their wedding day- and means you are probably not the target audience for whether or not asking for money is acceptable.

Have to say - asking for money is more and more the norm and the last three weddings I went to, that's all that was asked for. In some cultures money is absolutely the norm.

Sometimes the couple will specify different aspects of the honeymoon (eg, somewhere they'll have dinner, a particular guided tour, bike hire etc.)

I think your tone is really off and you just want to agree with whoever agrees with you! Do you usually not take other perspectives into account or just want to rant?

As so many people have said:

1. People usually give wedding gifts
2. Most people have what they need household wise so 'traditional' wedding gifts are not suitable
3. People want to give gifts that the recipient will actually want
4. Going on and on about people being 'rolling in it' is crass and weird, and you actually don't really know the full details - maybe they've overstretched themselves credit-wise.

If you have that big of an issue with it and you're that ill disposed to the couple then just don't go to the wedding.

Exactly re Greek and Italian weddings - British culture is changing around weddings and wedding gifts and maybe it will settle down into a new pattern.