Wedding invitation - please give us your money (basically)

[Truestorypeeps]

Received a second wedding invitation in a row which mentions words to the affect of, we would very much appreciate money towards our honeymoon as a gift. I personally couldn't physically write this in an invitation as it just feels presumptuous and tasteless.

Maybe this last invite got my back up as this couple have been together well over ten years, already have children, earn c.150k between them, massive house and already go on countless holidays at home and abroad. They could have easily omitted such a line from the invite. I understand they don't want toasters and towels, but surely there's another way?! E.g. heading, 'wedding gifts', below - 'your presence at our wedding would be more than enough, but if you'd like to gift us something to mark this day, please give a donation to XYZ charity which is close to our hearts because of XYZ??? Owing to the fact they are bloody rolling in it.

"We got a few gifts which would have been inexpensive, but the fact it was picked and some thought put into it added to the gift."

Omg you kept the gifts???!!!!

That's fucking mortifying. I don't think I could speak to friends again with everyone knowing I've accepted their charity, I can buy my own toaster thanks very much rather than taint my wedding day by making it some feudal barter system.

I don't think it's that bad really.
Aren't they allowed to choose what they receive? Doesn't mean you have to give anything at all.

Plus if there wasn't a terrible tacky poem, you got off lightly 😂

We got married last year after a decade together and tried to get away without a list or anything. But the everybody asked about it 😂😂😂

nah I don’t mind giving cash if that’s what people want. However much they earn I’d give a gift.

The problem with gift giving etiquette in general is that it was written when vast amounts of easily affordable to the masses tat wasn't a thing. It doesn't work that well for modern people and needs a lot of updating.

Lots of people are short on living space, they have to be discerning about what goes into that space and many of us are conscious of being wasteful.

And yes, I've never understood the logic of not putting gift lists in the invitation and expecting every single person involved to take the time to get in touch and ask for it because etiquette. What an utterly pointless waste of time.

I couldn't write this in an invite for two reasons:

1. attending weddings is expensive enough without insinuating a gift is required on top - I could never.

2. a lot of people rely on credit these days. Presume friend A was always going to send 100 pounds, and is happy to do so but would rather put a gift on a credit card and pay it off over three months to keep finances manageable. This cash request asks for the whole amount upfront - dreadful.

I get that it’s practical, I really do. There’s just something about asking for money - it feels so uncomfortable to me. There are very few situations where you ask a large number of people for money, for yourself. It goes against everything we are taught and are used to doing, in every other circumstance.

You have a choice to go to the wedding or not. It's an invitation not a summons as is often said on here. Weddings are expensive so maybe for them instead of gifts they probably don't want, need or have space for they'd rather spend the money towards their honeymoon. The invites with charity messages get peoples back up too. If you are going to a wedding you'd plan on taking a gift so why not just give them what they'd prefer?

To be fair they may not have time to field all these queries. It's actually easier to include all the info on the invitation.

In all honesty who goes to a wedding totally empty handed?

I don't like actual money being requested but I prefer people being upfront. And I'd rather donate to a honeymoon than spend money on something they haven't asked for. If you are going to spend £20 / £50 on a gift anyway why not just donate?

We haven't been to many weddings though and the ones we have been to, haven't explicitly asked for money. I think we did John Lewis vouchers for one and money for another.

I would rather they say if you want t give a gift cash is best

It means that people can give what they afford rather than looking for the cheapest thing on a list ; it means they can get something they actually want that's too expensive to ask for ; experiences over tat any day ; I wouldn't want to go to a wedding - a celebration of something pretty major and with a lot of hospitality- without a gift

I understand culturally specify cash seems wrong but the world has changed and moved on from the idea that 27 toasters are a sensible set of wedding gift and use of peoples money and use of world resources

I prefer to gift money. When I got married, we received so many unwanted presents, we donated to charity. I wouldn't want my gift to go to charity. Also most couples already live together, and already have home wear and picture frames. You're spending x amount regardless, just giving it in cash.

I’m Greek Cypriot & in the U.K. we do the money dance, where traditionally money is pinned on the bride & groom. Would make most of MN explode! Cyprus now do the envelope thing same as in Greece.

I’ve been to weddings where the pinned money has been used to pay for the wedding itself. Also we have lots of best men & best ladies & they pay for the privilege (£40pp) to help set the couple up in life.

Only on MN have I seen people moaning about taking a gift!

I can understand that.

It's a good thing this etiquette in the UK is changing. I'm British but have roots elsewhere so culturally we never actually had to ask for money.

As @WhatNoRaisins points out, that traditional etiquette in this country just doesn't work any more, not in a society where stuff is so easily acquired and when people getting married are most likely to be of the generation for whom space is the real luxury.

The only person I know who put in a pathetic poem happens to be a complete tight arse so it definitely annoyed me. But totally typical given the individual in question.

I wouldn't dream of doing it myself, and as pp have said most give money anyway.

We got very few presents and I really love them. Years later I get a bit of joy every time I use the beautiful Le Crueset pot and the fab salad bowls we received. I think the two couples who gave us these gifts weren't rolling in jt and while both gifts were generous, they probably cost less than the standard cash gift amount.

Specifying you want cash puts unnecessary pressure on people.

If you’d have got them a gift from a registry they had included on the invite, why is giving them money an issue?

Really? So if they have 100 guests they then spend time responding to each person to confirm what gift they want?

Yes, it might seem a bit presumptuous, but it is a lot more practical. It's a very busy time preparing for a wedding and having to contact everybody twice (and fore the guests to get in touch with you again) is just silly. It's one thing if it's in person, where you can do the social dance of "Oh, you don't need to do that", "No, I want to", "OK, well, if you insist" - but lots of emails or WhatsApps going back and forth, times 100, is just a waste of everybody's time.

Still, I remember the pre-internet days, when you would have to go into the shop where the list was held and they'd print it out and you'd have to go down the items looking for something the right price - and then find they didn't have it in stock, or that somebody at a different branch had just bought one between them giving you the list and you making the decision!

I even remember people cutting things out of the Argos catalogue, sellotaping one item to each page of a notebook and then you had to rip out the page for the item you wanted to buy - assuming they had it in stock - and then hand the notebook back for it to be passed on to somebody else. So, so time-consuming for everybody, especially when the guests lived all over the place.

When I first heard of this custom maybe ten years ago, couples asking for honeymoon money, I was against it. But now I realise it has become a common way of doing things, and it’s not that bad. PPs are pointing out that other countries and cultures have similar customs. Traditional wedding gifts for setting up home often are not relevant now because many get married in mid thirties and/or after having bought household items.
So you may as well get used to it. Some couples offer a choice, and some offer ‘ honeymoon experiences’ eg a meal out, a visit to a spa, a boat trip which you can purchase for them ( this Ofc depends on what type of honeymoon it is) which can feel more comfortable.
Also, always remember it’s ‘THEIR’ wedding, which is the way people nowadays approach planning this event!!

@Truestorypeeps

Was it any of these poems in the invitation? (scroll half way down the page, there are 11 of them!)

If so, I totally get why it pissed you off. My 8 year old can write better prose than that shit.

If people want money - fine; but don't put a twee, appalling poem in your invite.

Just a short 'We really want you to come to our wedding. Please no presents as we are saving for a house / honeymoon / car. If you would like to contribute, this would be appreciated.......'

The 'pin the money on the bride' custom sounds fascinating. What do they use to attach it - don't hundreds of pinholes wreck the dress/suit; or do you use sellotape, blu-tack or gaffer tape?!

Isn't it then awkward and time-consuming when the couple have to remove it all again before they can sit down? Wouldn't they then have to put it on a table or in a box? Wouldn't it be far easier for the guests to just put their money gifts directly on the table/in the box?

My parents went to a wedding in Greece where the bride wore a sort of cape that people pinned the money to during a dance at the reception. Maybe it's the maid of honours job to go through it the next day or something.

That's a lovely fusion of irony in the picture above - where the couple are asking for money gifts, but then getting guests to put them into a toaster

Ah, thanks, WhatNoRaisins - that makes a lot more sense.

DS married recently and they had a gift list at a registry. Info on the link to the registry was in the invite details.
There was a big range of gifts on the list, with prices from around £15. Also options to donate towards larger ‘group items’ and to make a donation to one of their two chosen charities, or to buy vouchers.
They had the option to go with what was chosen or could re-allocate the money to other items that were higher priority for them. They decided to stick with what people had bought and folk were very generous. As they were among the last in their friendship circles to marry, they have been to many weddings and found the gift registry method works well.

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding that didn't in some way ask for money or vouchers towards a honeymoon.

It's completely normal, no one really has gift lists anymore.

You say that you like them but it doesn't sound like it so forget all the angst and don't go. It's not that hard.

I went to 2 Irish weddings last year where it’s pretty much the rule that you give cash. I understood it to be €200 euro per couple.

Not sure if that or a wedding registry is worse!

It was grating as the people getting married were richer than us! We also spent a fair bit on travelling from the UK with our children.

My sister in the far east says it’s normal for people to pay to attend weddings/parties. Maybe that’s better I really don’t know. It feels like pay to attend already!

It’s like this.

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=greek+money+dance&client=safari&hl=en-gb&prmd=ivsn&sxsrf=APwXEdekSE5iqydswn_0DA2YMc69l-9qFQ:1683789754783&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwi0-dbR3ez-AhX3SkEAHdUuDVMQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=390&bih=661&dpr=3
It’s taken off straight after the dance & usually if not being used for the venue is guarded very well!

I tried posting a photo but couldn’t