Wedding invitation - please give us your money (basically)

[Truestorypeeps]

Received a second wedding invitation in a row which mentions words to the affect of, we would very much appreciate money towards our honeymoon as a gift. I personally couldn't physically write this in an invitation as it just feels presumptuous and tasteless.

Maybe this last invite got my back up as this couple have been together well over ten years, already have children, earn c.150k between them, massive house and already go on countless holidays at home and abroad. They could have easily omitted such a line from the invite. I understand they don't want toasters and towels, but surely there's another way?! E.g. heading, 'wedding gifts', below - 'your presence at our wedding would be more than enough, but if you'd like to gift us something to mark this day, please give a donation to XYZ charity which is close to our hearts because of XYZ??? Owing to the fact they are bloody rolling in it.

Agree. I want to buy a gift, so it may as well be something they want.

🤣🤣

@Itchyfleet @SalmonEile did you not have to invite people such as your DH's grandparents cousins, etc? My family is very small, but DH's isn't. MIL presented me with a list of family members who needed to be invited, and DH didn't have a clue who they were ... but I went along with it to keep the peace... I also gave my mum some invites for her friends for the evening do. It was the least I could do after all of her efforts (she made the cake and my dress). They were very excited, it was a big party at Christmas time and people were feeling festive. It was actually a fantastic wedding, and I wouldn't change it.

And DH invited some of his colleagues etc to the night time do. I didn't know them.

I knew all of my invites. Obviously.

Perhaps I should have added the word 'well' at the end of the phrase you have questioned.

Anyway, it was a great day and night. No regrets. Just saying that people (inc pil) ignored our no presents request, and the charity shops did very well out of it.

That isn’t true. I love it when someone asks for cash for a wedding. It makes my life so much easier

That. My DD and her fiance had been living together in rented accommodation for four years before they got married, and their income was a fraction of the couple in the OP. But as they owned everything that they considered that they needed, they asked for no gifts, just people's presence.

I know that some people did put money in their cards, which was kind, but that was their decision, unasked.

I'm astonished at the way this thread had gone so far (I've only read as far as the post I just quoted). Let's hope it gets better as I read on.

I don't see the problem. I would way rather give them money they can use and enjoy on their honeymoon than worry about having to pick out a gift they might not l

Might not like or have to worry about going to a store and finding their registry and hoping the stuff they want is still in stock etc.

Plus it's their wedding so who cares? If it bothers you so much just don't go. You don't sound very happy for them and instead resentful. I would prefer judgmental people like that NOT come to my wedding, no matter what they brought as a gift.

I don't understand how asking politely for money, for something they would like, is any less tacky or grabby than a gift list. I went to a wedding many years ago when giving money wasn't a "thing", and the cheapest thing on the gift list was £50. (A lot back then) As a broke student this annoyed me, as it was just assumed that would be the minimum to spend. At least with giving money, people give what they can afford.

And I find it a bit passive aggressive to ignore the request for money and buy something you think they should have instead. With couples living together they usually have everything they need. I might not have liked spending £50 on the gift list, but I still did it, as that's what the couple wanted.

I'm not sure what the issue is, are you jealous they have money? And therefore as you are going to the wedding to pig out on free food and alcohol, they should be 'gracious' to donate money to charity?
😂😂😂

I'd rather give someone money than a crappy present. If they are wealthy they probably have all they need in terms of material stuff and want an experience (and weddings are bloody expensive, so they probably forked out a lot on it for everyone to have a good time.

So you would just not go to the wedding at all or you would go empty handed, eat all the food and drink all the booze and go home congratulating yourself on being smug? Wow. Glad I'm not a friend of yours.

Tacky, grabby and cheeky AF. I think the same with gift lists. We deliberately said we didn't want gifts and their presence really was enough. People did still give us money and gift cards etc but it really wasn't expected.
And this was before I joined Mumsnet and realised that this was the general consensus!

I just think it’s a non issue. People on mumsnet get really ranty about the ‘entitlement’ but the social convention is to get a wedding gift.

The couple having money would not be a reason to not get a wedding gift imo. I base my gifts on how close I am to the couple not how little money they have.

Haha yeah this is what I thought! What difference does it make it that's what they want?

The poem sounds shit, I will give you that, however, the giving of money is fine.

I think the tacky poem has framed the 'present' request really poorly which has got your back up.

The last wedding I went to, said no presents but if people wanted to gift something here's a list. It was a wedding list at Trailfinders. You were buying experiences e.g. swimming with dolphins, cocktails on top of a mountain etc. Both the bride and groom were really into travelling so this was perfect for them.

I am not a fan of going 'off list,' not many people did at my wedding. The off list gifts, I could tell the person had put effort into buying something that they thought was 'special' - in reality, it wasn't needed &/or not to our taste. It was literally a waste of their money, time and effort. I would have just preferred a card.

I really do not see an issue with their invitation. They have been together for so long that they don’t need anyone to buy them any more ‘stuff’ if you are invited to a wedding, it is normal courtesy to give a gift, of course you can be a real tight arse and not buy one ,that’s your choice . Suggesting a contribution towards their honeymoon isn’t tactless or greedy , it makes sense . Not sure what the problem is .

I kind of wish we had written this last year as we said please no gifts but ended up with countless mr & Mrs cups/books on marriage/ornaments/wine (DH doesn’t drink & I don’t like wine - everyone knows that!) that are now in a cupboard! I feel awful for this but we just won’t use.

Off the top of my head some people don’t want to donate to animal charities (particularly ones like peta), some are strong believers charity begins at home and don’t want to donate to charities that operate abroad, some object to donating to large organisations that have staff on relatively high salaries, some don’t want to donate to anything linked to a religion and some can be very anti charities aimed at reducing poverty/think everyone on benefits are chancers. Personally I never gift to any charity that has strong religious links as I’ve come across too many reports that those charities effectively use their giving as a way to promote their religious belief (like including religious pamphlets in the shoebox appeal admittedly by a U.S. based charity but widely reported) or limit the help they provide to exclude people or practices they disagree with (so things like operate health facilities but avoid signposting those accessing them to abortion or contraceptive services). Conversely some religious people wouldn’t want to support charities researching certain diseases that rely on stem cell research.

This has become the norm now but I think it’s awful to ask for money. If you don’t need anything, just say we don’t need anything thank you.

Which is then liable to result in people getting you something anyway.

This is not a practical solution, because weddings are associated with gifts to the couple. It's a sufficiently strong association that people may not actually understand you genuinely don't want anything at all, and even if they do there's still a good chance they'll try and do something. It just isn't a sensible suggestion.

Believe it or not, I like these people!

I'm going with "not".

I know a lot of people get angry at the idea of buying wedding gifts after accepting wedding invitations if they think the couple doesn't "need" them, but that's not how gifts work.

I'm not bothered about giving money as a gift either; I'm spending the same however I give it and this way I know they'll make use of it rather than have something they don't want collecting dust in the loft. Money as a gift has always been very useful to me.

Poems are shite, but greetings industry poems of any kind usually are. No point getting worked up over that.

And now I see some people are offended by requests to donate to a chosen charity, which I hadn't realised happened. Could understand if it was a politicised charity but that doesn't seem to be the issue here.

There's something really mean-spirited about weddings on MN.

We asked for money for our honeymoon (along with a disclaimer that we didn't expect gifts but if people did want to get us something...) as we had lived together for 7 years so had everything we needed.

We got a mix of money and some lovely thoughtful gifts (presumably from those people who didn't want to give money for whatever reason - fine by me).

We're not rich, and even less so years ago when we got married - so is that OK?

I honestly don't get the issue with this at all and why it pisses some people off so much!

BUT I believe that there are original and definitely would be loved by the couple type gifts

Mmm, I'm sure you do believe that. Lots of people who like giving physical items as presents hold that belief. Many of them are deluding themselves.

And the problem with 'original' is its harder to usefully get rid of. At least with toasters the charity shop would probably be glad of them if you keep them unopened in the box.

I do see your point, but it is really inefficient for every guest to get in touch and who wants 100 gifts (or however many).

Yeah, just send me the bloody list instead of wasting my time and yours. We both know I'm getting you a present, let's make chasing one less mental load task.

I see nothing wrong with stating what you’d like. Why are so many people anti giving a gift the recipient has said they’d actually like? You all say you were going to give something anyway. Also don’t get the idea you have to give more when it’s money given it’s pretty obvious how much most gifts cost so if you are only spending a small amount people will know regardless (& in most cases won’t care)