I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

You have a child and the child is not allowed to have proper cooked meals. I'd simply not tolerate it. Either he seeks help for his MH issues if they exist, or he leaves. It sounds very much like he dislikes cooking smells so he selfishly prevents you and his son from having cooked meals. That is controlling. He claims it would cause him MH issues but refuses to see a specialist who might help him. Possibly because he knows he sounds ridiculous and selfish.

For 11 years you've denied yourself good food so he can live smell-free. Now it's your turn to have it your way, and he can put up with smells for the next 11 years.

Agreed, but being able to use only the oven, not the stove, would suggest that OP here is MUCH more restricted in her cooking than merely being disallowed from cooking "highly odorous" foods.

Your husband needs to go to see a psychologist immediately. This is insane. It's totally unfair on you.

How do you cook carrots, mash, peas, pasta, rice? Vegetable, roast dinner, spaghetti bolognaise? What on earth do you eat?

Can you change the layout in the house? Put a door on the kitchen, move cooking to a utility room?

Where has op said its highly odorous food that she wants to cook?

All food is odorous isn't it? Apart from raw food of course. And sandwiches.

There you go op, what are you complaining for? Just eat plain, non smelly butties for the rest of your life to accommodate this man. 🙄

What a nightmare. You need to start cooking and if he can't manage that, he needs to go and see his GP. I swear to god, I hear so many stories of these special men and their tip toeing partners. He needs to grow up. Get some garlic bread and a pizza and tell him to suck it.

The apologists are extra specially batshit tonight.

How does he cope in pubs/restaurants, the office, or even in town?
Food smells are everywhere.
If he can cope with them elsewhere in life surely the drama over in the home is more controlling than anything else as the smell of cooking is fairly unavoidable wherever you go. (Or at least, it is in my life which is city based)

☝this. Is your house suitable to turn into two flats, let's face it he won't need a kitchen so could have the upstairs part and wouldn't be too expensive to seal off,or sell and buy two flats! You can't live like this! If not neurodivergent it sounds like a form of OCD and from experience it gets worse as they get older and it's very difficult to cure unless they acknowledge it and get help themselves. A bit like an alcoholic. You are actually doing the opposite of what is recommended if OCD (I did it inadvertently for 30 years so no judgement) by complying you are reinforcing his behaviours.......ignore and cook away is my advice, if he doesn't like it he can do something about it himself💐

I've never heard of this level of smell phobia. Does this smell problem only apply to food?
What's eaten in your house in a typical day?

This is the type of thing a child might mention to someone that would have them report it to SS.🙏

Mandated people like teachers or TA, a sports coach etc., would likely be triggered into reporting it.

No cooking, even when he isn't in the house is text book controlling behaviour.

I like others would absolutely bet this isn't his only "house rule" due to his MH.
🙄

It's the poor children that women choose to inflict these batshit toxic environments on, that are so defenceless, that is so awful.

What sort of food issues is the poor child having forced upon him.

I mean, sure. But this is clearly a huge issue for him and always has been. Even if he was willing to try to resolve it, it might not be something he can just get over like that. OP obviously loves him or loved him despite this issue and while it might be enough of an issue to break up over, it always might be something OP would rather compromise over and live with. The outdoor kitchen idea might be a compromise that works for them. Particularly since OP seems to want to cook sometimes not 3times a day or even every evening. It’s just a suggestion.

I’d be microwaving mackerel while speed-dialling a divorce lawyer. Just because it’s a MH issue doesn’t mean you have to follow his insane and insanely controlling rules.

He can't cope everywhere though. OP has said...
More recently he's started going to BBQs to see friends, but not staying for the food when the BBQ is fired up!

I can absolutely believe that his reaction to food smells is genuine. But that doesn't change the fact that the OP and (more importantly their child) are being badly affected by it. And that DH refuses to take any action that might relieve them of that burden.

For your son's sake, I'd be issuing an ultimatum.

He seeks help, or he leaves. You and your son deserve to be able to eat freely in your own home. I get there are often some restrictions for everyone; some don't like fish smells, some want a vegetarian or vegan home, some want a halal home, some don't want smelly cheeses in the fridge etc... But ruling out all cooked food isn't reasonable.

He needs to change, whether he likes it or not.

And what about the child in all this? He only gets a cooked meal 3 times a week from an oudoor kitchen? What about in the winter? What is any of this teacjing the child other than food is seen as a'bad' thing.

I can't stand cooking smells either. I don't mind so much if I'm the one doing the cooking, but even then the lingering smell in the house and on clothes afterwards makes me feel sick. My Mum seems to cook all day (loves it although claims she doesn't) and I can't bear to go into her house for more than a few minutes. Luckily she lives next door so she comes to my house every day anyway. Fried onions particularly make me heave. And garlic is utterly vile. I have no problem with other smells - no more than anyone else - but cooking smells make me feel sick.

I developed a horrible overly sensitive sense of cooking smells after Covid, the opposite of most people who lost their sense of smell. Cooking made me feel sick. Eating food became difficult as it over-smelled. I lost quite a lot of weight not being able to eat through the smell issue.

We did several things- closed the kitchen during cooking, opened the window/patio door, I would have a portion later, or just something plain if I couldn't cope with that days offering.

At no point did I try to stop my family cooking or eating their own food as that would be irrational and unreasonable. The OP is making his anxiety worse, not better by avoiding it.

This would be grounds for divorce for me. I
appreciate this has worsened as he’s got older but him not wanting to do anything about it and being more controlling around it would really worry me, especially as it’s now affecting or going to affect your child. This level of control isn’t normal by your DH.

this is a control thing, even if you don't realise it and he doesn't realise it! how can you stay with someone who bans you from cooking in your own home?

how about he bends over backwards for you for a change, goes out when you cook or stays upstairs if it's that much of a bother?

OK so to sum up, his attitude is:

"I have a mental health issue and it's affecting both me and my partner and restricting our lives. I'm not going to do anything about it, because I don't believe in medication and don't believe anything will work so we'll both just have to live with me being this way"

... This is not an acceptable approach to mental health when you are married.

He is unwell and needs to get help. In your shoes I would consider giving him an ultimatum over this because it is severely limiting your life, and it is within his control to do something about it. It's ok to struggle with mental health but it's not OK to bury your head in the sand and behave as he is when you have family whose lives are impacted.

Oh my i so feel for you. i am afraid i would not spend my life eating bland food over and over again. i am afraid i would be off, life is to short to live like that.

An outdoor kitchen is a compromise?! Her DH getting therapy and coping mechanisms in place is a compromise. Do you suggest she cooks dinner in the snow and ice outside?!