I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

He may need treatment for anxiety/OCD to cope now with the cooking smells as it's gone on so long it's entrenched his faulty beliefs he wouldn't be able to cope with cooking smells. A bit like if you stay in if you start becoming agraphobic, it makes it worse, not better. He might need support to work through his issues, via a referral to the GP and tackling his anxiety problem. People with MH problems (as he admits he has) need treatment, not everyone to facilitate it and make it worse.

So what do you all eat..microwave meals? how old is your child ?
I've never read anything as weird as this before.

If I ever had someone tell me I couldn’t cook in my kitchen they’d be out the door so fast their feet wouldn’t touch the floor.
Has this man never been to a restaurant or walked past one?
There is no way that this is a thing and if you ever want a proper diet that isn’t going to store up massive health problems as you age I’d get rid of him.

Ah, sorry I missed that bit.
Not sure if the rest of your post is directed at me as I wasn't defending him.

@Bambambino1 check our sensory processing disorder, it's a thing and can be just one sense e.g. olfactory.

One thing I would look into is proper ventilation in the kitchen, if necessary get an oven/cooker with more extreme ventilation. Windows etc open.

It is a control thing though and most houses don’t smell or not much after cooking. My house and my DM’s house can have lingering smells but mine is a small Victorian cottage and DM’s is a large Victorian terraced house. This is only after cooking eg roast meals, curries etc.

"Bambambino1 · Today 16:19

@TheCatterall, yeah, he does nothing. I've tried to push for him to go to the doctor so many times but he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone, and is convinced there's no "cure" so it's pointless. He thinks people would try and force medication on him and doesn't ever want to take medication. Doesn't want to learn coping strategies as doesn't think they'd work. And yes, I do feel like he uses the MH card as an excuse like it almost works to shut down the argument instantly."

I think this is the part that indicates this is selfishness. He has a problem, but instead of accepting that this is HIS problem, and being willing to make any sacrifices so that his family can live a normal life despite his problem, he expects that only his family, including his child, will sacrifice, but he should just continue to do whatever he wants.

OPs original post said his issues were with frying food and food that smells bad when cooked. It is posters who have turned it into a different story where the family is malnourished and can't eat at home and she can't make anything but raw food.

“we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)”

No slow cooker and no air fryer permitted

OP says she “cannot really make anything from scratch”.

Does your DC ever get a 'proper' dinner?

Tell him to breathe through his mouth!

Here's my thing. I really do respect issues cause by MH. And if I knew that my DH/DC/parent had sincerely sought treatment and followed instructions, I mean really tried, then I'd have no trouble curtailing something that bothered them. Because they've done all they could and nothing worked.

BUT if the person refused treatment or didn't really follow the advice given and just expected me to live with their issues, then I'd have a big problem with that. And depending on the issue, it would be a dealbreaker to me.

Having a MH condition does not entitle someone to 'rule the roost' and expect everyone else to cater to their desires. My son has PTSD and has worked so, so hard to overcome his anxiety and the 'triggers' that cause them. If he has some 'leftover' after all his hard work, I'm more than happy to accommodate him.

How did you get yourself saddled with someone like this?

Good food and cooking for one another is a huge part of my relationship, I don't know how you do it.

Thank you all for your comments, they genuinely have helped. Just to be clear, I could do with some more veg in my diet but I'm definitely not malnourished 😂 pasta is fine because it doesn't smell. DS likes to eat a lot of pasta and sweet potato and will happily munch away on a raw carrot (amongst other things!). He's 2 and doesn't seem fussy at all with food, goes to nursery 5 days a week and gets fed incredibly well there. I appreciate that's not a solution, and I want to change things now, I just want to make it clear that he does eat well...just not necessarily by my hands! I go back to my parents one day at the weekend and cook for him there, so it really isn't that bad for my son. BUT, that'll change as he gets older. I think it's having that realisation that's driving me to want to change things now

Who wouldn’t change clothes after a bbq? That’s just sensible.

He doesn’t need to get treatment because you bend to him @Bambambino1, most of us would’ve told him to get stuffed in the early days. You’ve got this for life if you stay.

Things will have to change before your son gets older. Although I can't see your husband changing.
What's he like about other smells eg nappies?

The rest of my post wasn't aimed at you, sorry if it read that way. I deliberately started a new paragraph to indicate moving on with the discussion.

I would try and broach the subject again. Given that it has gotten worse over the years whilst you have been sticking to his rules, what’s to say that he won’t get even worse and want to start enforcing the no oven meals rule. I would try and discuss how much it is affecting you and say after all this time of accommodating him and his needs you would like to try and accommodate your needs too ie being able to cook in your kitchen. Suggest starting out with small steps, only when he is out and hours before he gets home & preparing something that isn’t going to produce a huge stench & see how he gets on, like exposure therapy. It absolutely sounds like he needs some form of therapy but you can’t force him but if he can tolerate a restaurant then he can learn, with small steps, to adjust to living with food preparation in his home. While I was pregnant I couldn’t bear the smell of meat, but my family had to eat so I sat upstairs with the windows open & came down once the smell had lifted.

I have to agree with this.

I have Misophonia and it is utterly awful at times. I live with my husband and 4 children and I just have to cope with it. If sounds get too unbearable for me I leave the room, but with 4 children at home who have to eat, I just have to get through it most of the time. I would never tell people that they can’t eat in front of me! It’s my issue and I’m the one who has to deal with the consequences of it. My husband is understanding and he would take a noisy snack into another room, so as not to inflict it on me. And we play music at meal times to make it more bearable for me. But my love for my children allows me to put on a fake smile and sit in the same room as them as they eat, even though I’m screaming inside!
If your partner hasn’t even initiated speaking to a GP or a counsellor about his issues, then he should not expect you to drastically change your life to keep him happy. He has to compromise. And he at least needs to try getting help.

Op has said she doesn't eat properly and her DC doesn't eat properly.

Whats your angle here apart from "what about spiders"?

Well presumably he currently gets a cooked meal only within the parameters of what his or her dad is currently allowing/coping with. If they get divorced then the child won’t get a cooked meal at dad’s place. Dad should absolutely be taking steps to improve the situation. I wouldn’t dream of telling OP she shouldn’t leave him over this if that’s what she feels is best. I was just trying to suggest a couple of options that could help without the need for an entire separate house. It’s not that outlandish either. Loads of people have bbqs. Lots of those people sometimes use them even in winter if they fancy it. And it will still be a step in the right direction for OP’s husband - cooking smells in the garden but not (or much less) in the house.

It sounds like an issue that has gone on for a long time and become quite ingrained. I imagine it might have been easier to put your foot down about him seeking treatment or deciding it was a deal breaker earlier in your relationship. Now you have a child together and you're invested it's a bit trickier.

Is there an option to create a second kitchen with an exterior door only, like a garage conversion or something? Would he agree to one day a week where you batch cook and then freeze meals? Could you batch cook at a relatives house and freeze meals. Then reheat in microwave in the garage.

Honestly op I don't know how you have lived like this. It would tip me over the edge. I totally understand that it's not about control but his mental health. I just don't think I could live like that. Would you be prepared and strong enough to tell him he needs some counselling to work towards letting you cook and that you'd be prepared to end the marriage over it?

Jeez sounds like a dose of Covid with loss of smell would be a blessing in disguise for the man. Are there any smells be does like?

reasonable concessions are making sure the room is well ventilated, making sure all utensils are immediately washed up and all leftovers/scrapings go out to an outside bin. It is NOT in the slightest bit reasonable to affect anyone else’s diet.

It is not just about your son getting proper nutrition. At 2 that's not too hard, especially if he gets a good meal at nursery, and at the grandparents, and also some decent raw and/or ready-made snacks, plus milk.

It is also very much about your son seeing the behaviour in the house. The dysfunctional attitude to food being one damaging aspect, but the even more disturbing aspect being the disproportionate level of control exerted on the home and family by your H's mental health and/or personality issues. If this is rectified (either by treatment or by H living/eating elsewhere) now then he will be fine, but he really won't be if this carries on much longer. You only have a small time window to do something before this starts to impact your son.