I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

Here's another idea. He can sit outside while you're cooking, and you can open all the windows and doors. Well, he can open all the windows and doors. He can stay outside until he determines that the level of food smell in the house is within his livable range.

Your husband sounds neurodivergent.

He won't let you cook even when he's not in the house?! Why are you asking for his permission? I'd spend the whole day batch cooking and fill the freezer.

My ds has sensory issues over smells.

He can't control it and if he walks into the kitchen after I've made soup (for example) he physically gags.

So I open a window and close kitchen door when I cook. I tell him I've cooked. I support him by fetching him a drink or something to prevent that reaction but I won't stop cooking foods I like or are good for me.

So I think your DH reaction is probably very true. And it'll be harder to undo now he's an adult. But he needs to find a compromise as much as you and find a way you can cook that doesn't have an effect on him.

Absolutely ridiculous.
Sorry.

Look, it probably is a mental health issue of some description, but it doesn't sound like he's making any attempt to find out what the reasons for it are and how to have strategies in place to deal with it.
You just can't go through life kicking up a fuss because your wife wants to cook and you can't stand food smells.

Personally I would not be putting up with that. I would start cooking. If he can't deal with it then he needs to finally admit he needs to go and get help.

You're equating keeping spiders with being able cook proper food in your own home? Really?

I’m sorry but it’s one thing for you to live like that but it’s appalling parenting from both of you to do that to your child.

Cook the food, he can get help or get out. But you will be better off without him. I bet you have a whole other list of controlling behaviours of his but you can’t see them. MH or not, he’s still an absolute dickhead.

He sounds ridiculous!

I guess if spiders were the only thing the DH could eat because op couldn't stand the smell of them frying, but she refused to let him cook, say, a black widow for a bit of variety in flavour and nutrients then yea, he would be being horribly controlled IMO

I bet you have a whole other list of controlling behaviours of his but you can’t see them.

Yup. I'd bet my house on it.

OP - now I've read your post where you say you have a child, I think it is really important you do something

It's bang out of order for your H to not allow you to teach them to cook and about nutritional value of meals!

I get that it is a real issue for him - but him refusing to do anything about it would be a massive issue for me

It sounds like a trauma response... he really needs help

Firstly, I highly doubt those are his only problematic traits. What’s the rear of his MH like? Secondly, in that circumstance - a kitchen with a door and a powerful extractor fan are must haves!

Pressure cooker/slow cookers seal the smells in for the length of cooking so they may be ideal.

I'd pack him off out of the house for a couple of hours whilst I cooked. He is being controlling because he is preventing you from cooking which is a normal daily function.

House and street.

If he won't accept any kind of help for sensory issues then just crack on and cook what you want, you've tried to accommodate him, just open the window and use the fan. Just tell him point blank you aren't living like this. It's cruel to impose that on you and your child.
I won't allow meat to be fried in my home as I'm veggie, but I'm crystal clear with that to people I meet (as in partners, but my friends know this about me too and respect it) so they know from the outset and its upto them if it's a deal breaker or not. The smell of bacon or steak cooking physically makes me gag so I do have sympathy with him but I think this goes above and beyond what is reasonable as he isn't allowing any compromises. I compromise by allowing people to eat meat in my home as long as it isn't raw meat prepared from scratch (so takeaways or stuff in air fryer etc il put up with to be fair)

I can't fathom it either.

House, street and car.

I bet one of them will be the open plan layout, no doors allowed, so he can see everything that's going on.

This.

and? What does your armchair diagnosis mean? How does that help? Oh he's ND so just crack on living this controlled life and carry on bringing up a kid in this shitshow? Get in the sea.

You don't need to cook highly odorous foods to live either.

But cooking normal food in your own kitchen is not the same thing as spiders because pet spiders are not a normative or necessary part of family life. Food is a normative part of life, even a necessary part of life. I think a more useful comparison would be, pretend like he was allergic to something you liked, and you cooking the thing might kill him. So, for example, people who are allergic to fish, there was a child who died of an allergic reaction because he walked into the house while his family members were cooking fish. He reacted to the aerosolized fish that he inhaled. So, in such a situation it might be reasonable to say, "In this house, we don't cook any fish because of the risk to Billy's life."

So now let's extend fish to "all food except baked chicken." Let's pretend the father here is allergic to everything except baked chicken and cooking anything else will kill him. So would it be reasonable for the entire rest of the family to be barred from cooking and eating anything else except baked chicken forever?

I'm not so sure, you know? I think even in that situation, you can see that while there might be strict accommodations for the allergic person, that there would still have to be a balance between the needs of the different people in the family, especially the needs of the children. Sacrifices might be made, but the person with the problem would also have to make sacrifices so that others could have normality. Maybe more of the budget is spent on restaurant food (i.e. cooked elsewhere). Maybe the person agrees to stay out of the house once a week while the others cook and freeze meals for the week.

In this situation, the person is not allergic. Cooking food will not literally kill him. His claim of an effect on his mental health should be balanced against the effect on the mental health of the other family members if they are expected to NOT cook/eat such food. Also, I am dubious about valuing his mental health over their nutrition. Nutrition is more basic to life IMO.

Tell him to get a respirator mask if he needs one, and cook!

Oh get a grip. If you want to live on bland shit from the oven then crack on but not many people do.