I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

@ZeroFuchsGiven

cos men are most important and we as woman were born to facilitate and accommodate their wants and needs. As a woman you’re needs and wants go on the bank burner otherwise you are selfish and immature ESPECIALLY if you are a wife and mother

according to lots of posters on here anyway

I’ve got a banging slow cooker lamb curry recipe smells lovely too

Could you post the recipe @OhmygodDont pretty please.

As many people have said, this seems to be a mental health issue. I don't think it's just that he has a processing problem because of his defensiveness about the problem. It being MH doesn't mean that he isn't being controlling. Generally, being controlling comes from some kind of MH issue, small or large. It's effecting your and your son's health, and for many families meals are a source of real joy, so I feel it's important to do something, but handling this is very tricky as he's so sensitive about it. I would talk to your GP or a therapist to get some advice on how to approach it, because it doesn't sound like tackling it head on is going to work.

On the other hand, you could just draw some boundaries and deal with the consequences. Explain to him that you and your son need to eat real, nutritious food and that you'll be cooking on X days each week. You've already told him he needs help. You've already argued about whether it is or isn't a betrayal. You aren't his therapist and if he can't see he needs help there's not a great deal you can do other than decide what you are and aren't willing to put up with.

Good luck! This sounds so stressful.

Don’t forget the literal dozens of posters equally earnestly suggesting that OP build and use an outdoor kitchen in all weathers to protect her poor delicate DH.

THIS a 1000 times 👆🏼

Just because it has an effect on his mental health doesn't mean it's ok for him to give a blanket no and not even try. This is having a huge impact on your life, it's not ok for him to do nothing. You've be coping with these restrictions for 12 years, he should be willing to try. FWIW I have a lot of issues with smells, sensory and also allergy related, strong smells hurt my eyes and my nose and give me migraines. I react to a long list of everyday smells not just food. I get on with things, I cook for my kids. Often I can't eat what I've cooked because of the effect smelling it cooking has on me.

I'm not saying his body's reactions are the same as mine, that he should cook, but as an adult and someone who is supposed to care about you he should be willing to listen about the impact it has on you and he should want to try some things to reduce this impact. Cooking while he's out is a very reasonable thing to try. I can't stand the slow cooker or pressure cooker not sure about an air fryer. It's as much the food as the method for me. Garlic, onion, spices are a big no go for me, anything aromatic. I find a lot of fried foods the smell dissipates quicker than baking.

OP, if you want to stiffen your resolve to cook proper food for you and your son, google Dr Chris van Tulleken and what he says about ultra-processed food and the effect it has on us (all ready meals will count as UPF).

And what about the effect on your mental health @Bambambino1

Your husband is making it all about him.

Ask yourself can you see yourself living like this for another ten, twenty, thirty years? Is this the kind of environment you’d like your DS to grow up in? I think you know the answer. Best of luck. You deserve so much more than what this overgrown toddler can offer. Let him stew in his odour-induced angst alone.

OP is already spending one weekend day a week at her parents so that she can cook normally for her 2 year old

Maybe she could increase that to 2-3 days a week - the whole week

Or maybe DH could spend a day or more out of the house so that his son can eat a normal healthy diet

If there was ever a man in need of a time-consuming out of the house hobby it's surely this guy

If there was ever a man in need of a time-consuming out of the house hobby it's surely this guy

Yes he needs one of those famous mumsnet "hobbies"

YANBU
However, it is his home too...where do you live? Is an outdoor kitchen or grill a possibility? If you can come up with a compromise it would keep the peace. Not a hill to die on, but your desires are important too. Gl

Again, Why should op cook outside when she has a fully functioning kitchen in her home?

Severe sensory issues is definitely a thing. Especially with autism.
Not something that can be fixed!

Not a hill to die on,

Oh yes it is. This is so utterly not normal and is a very bad example to their son.

My severely autistic child has many sensory issues. He has regular therapy to help him to manage and deal with these issues, because you cannot go through life avoiding every sensory trigger. He’s 5. The OP’s husband is far older than 4, and he’s doing nothing to help himself or his family. Just having a tantrum.

Oh Id die the shit out of that hill for my child.

Why can't he keep the peace and compromise by not being a massive controlling snivelling baby and 'allow' his wife to cook.

Just read that again - the man doesn't let his wife cook and she needs to compromise and keep the peace? Yea....no....

She shouldn't have to, I agree. But I am sure it isn't worth ruining an otherwise healthy marriage over. So compromise, even if it doesn't make sense. Mental health issues don't always make sense. Therapy for a long term solution. Compromise in the meantime.

Cooking outside isn’t a ‘compromise’, as the OP is the only one compromising. What effort is her husband making in this scenario?

There is nothing healthy about this marriage. You really think compromising her and her childs health is a compromise?

And I’d speculate that a marriage in which he’s saying that he didn’t really want a child but did it anyway, is not an ‘otherwise healthy marriage’.

Even I'm compromising too much

What compromises should HE be making in addition to hers?

A healthy marriage is one where the man doesn't allow his wife to cook is it?

The poor kid has to go to his grans once a week to eat decent food and only gets 5 other decent meals a week (op has said this). Because of this wanker, that's not even close to a healthy marriage.

That's an argument response if you're talking about visitors or home decor, not the base need of eating. And why would it be on op to come up with the compromise?!