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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't cook in my own home

808 replies

Bambambino1 · 10/05/2023 15:41

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

OP posts:
Couldyounot · 12/05/2023 07:43

"Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

"Why doesn't Daddy live here any more? Well, it's a long story, but the gist of it is that he is a stroppy overgrown toddler with weird hangups about smells, who considers me cooking lunch in my own kitchen to be a 'betrayal', and who is prepared to abandon us all rather than sort himself out."

WHAT a wanker. Sorry to hear this, OP

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 12/05/2023 07:48

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/05/2023 07:38

Ive asked this numerous times and no one seems to want to answer. Why should op cook outdoors when she has a fully functioning kitchen in her home?

Show quote history

I’d like to know as well.

@Bambambino1 of course it’s been unappreciated. He just expects you to bend to his needs because that’s how important he is.

It wouldn’t take long to explain why daddy doesn’t live with you either.

”Why doesn’t daddy live with us mummy?”
”Daddy is mental darling”

Socksey · 12/05/2023 07:49

This is a long thread so not read all of it.... but
What about your mental health....??
Is it not affecting your physical and mental health to not eat properly and only eat a few things that cause minimal smell just for someone else being ott all the time?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/05/2023 07:49

Simplestateside · 11/05/2023 22:17

Would it be worth cooking something very gentle smelling like an infused creme brulee and just very gradually building it up for there to gently expose him to more cooking smells. Might not work but worth a try?!

Op hasn't been able to cook for 11 years, yet you are advising her to make an infused creme brulee, this must be the most middle class mumsnet comment Ive ever read.

I cook daily and wouldnt have a clue how to make an 'infused creme brulee'.

Reminds me of Gooseberry Cinnamon Yoghurt 😂

Efacsen · 12/05/2023 07:49

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/05/2023 07:38

Ive asked this numerous times and no one seems to want to answer. Why should op cook outdoors when she has a fully functioning kitchen in her home?

Show quote history

Totally agree!

Yet more accommodations on the OPs part whilst he continues to do nothing helpful

Plus how would all this outdoor cooking work in the middle of winter

CabernetSauvignon · 12/05/2023 07:58

Try using the "I consider it a betrayal" line back to him. For instance, "I need proper nutrition, so does our son. Our son needs to grow up free of the effects of your phobia. I've spent 11 years pandering to you but you still refuse to get treatment to help yourself or to help us. I consider that a betrayal".

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/05/2023 08:03

PollyPut · 12/05/2023 06:54

Whatever you do, do it slowly. I'd work on the basis that there are either emotional or physical triggers from the smells and minimise the smells/reactions as much as possible.

"Mince" was a dish in my grandparents generation. Some form of mince and onions. I had it once and it was horrible (to me). I wonder if he had to eat it as a child?

Don't cook with onions for now. It's not worth it. There is a reasonable chance your child might not like them anyway. Some people find them hard to digest. They can be added in later and really smell. You don't need them now.

Garlic - the garlic press really smells until it's been cleaned by hand and then hands smell - avoid it for now. I'd suggest frozen crushed garlic - you can get it in some supermarkets. Taj crushed garlic is cheap and good, and you can put it straught into the dish - although you might need to only use half a cube at a time if you don't want it strong.

Bolognese for example you can make with mince (choose the lowest fat content you can afford so 5% or 10%, not 20%). Fry the mince, and then add canned tomatoes (passata gives it a smooth texture which DC might prefer).

You can add frozen garlic for flavour directly to the pot, it shouldn't smell if you just put it in straight from the freezer instead of chop and crush it on the counter.

Grated carrots can be added - no smell. That's a simple start to a meal.

Portions can be frozen and then reheated in the microwave,

I did a stir fry dish recently and I don't think it smelled much, but then I didn't use much oil. Certainly the kitchen doesn't smell today. A trick is to pre-boil the chicken and then add it to the stir fry at the end. This means you are not frying the chicken for long - it tastes good and will minimise smells. Look up "velveting" chicken here - although if short for time I don't actual coat the chicken before I par-boil it. https://www.kikkoman.co.uk/inspiration/a-guide-to-the-velveting-technique/

Chinese dishes sometimes wilt vegetables in hot water before serving (e.g. pak choi). This is a no-fry veg dish you might not have considered. Also edamame/soya beans from freezer can just be soaked in hot water to warm up - no smell.

What is this nonsense? sounds like you have food issues yourself, dont use onions or garlic etc dont fry mince and boil the chicken? wtaf.

Frazzledbynature · 12/05/2023 08:05

Aside from a MH assessment, the other key feature here is what does get cooked in the oven.

I've been studying nutrition for a while in respect of my diabetes and metabolic disease and if you cook a more low carb meal that has been known to improve mental health/thought process. So if you cook nothing but meat and fish with no veg for 30 days, your health won't suffer for it and after 4 days my mental clarity was markedly improved.

That aside, to save your relationship I can see the only compromise would be to get an outbuilding built if necessary and cook in there, extreme but you gain a room in the house and if he don't go for that, it's time to reassess the relationship.

BarrelOfOtters · 12/05/2023 08:08

@PollyPut one of the best bits for me is the smell of food as it cooks, the mellowing of the onions, garlic, smell of a roasting chicken. Nothing better than getting home to the smell of cooking or someone coming in saying that smells great.

Kentucky83 · 12/05/2023 08:09

OP this is very much controlling behaviour on his part.
Tell him that you cannot continue to live like this, it is affecting YOUR mental health.
You need him to be willing to compromise and/or get some help.

Augend23 · 12/05/2023 08:11

I think a basic set of accomodations - cook's candle, decent extractor fan and a door would be reasonable. And maybe a few days a week without cooking. If he doesn't like it the rest of the time it seems as reasonable to me to expect him to go out as to expect you not to cook.

The idea that you can't cook even if he won't be back for Hours afterwards is totally bonkers.

I have quite a lot of "sensory" issues. I get/got used to an awful lot of them by putting up with it and desensitising myself to them. It's not an enjoyable process but you do get used to it. And ultimately my life has been massively improved for the better by learning (as a teenager/adult rather than a small child) to put up with or even like many of things I didn't originally enjoy. My life is enriched by being able to eat nice foods, wear nice clothes etc etc. Obviously it's not an identical problem but I don't think hiding from this is the solution - unless he wants to live alone and never attend a social, food-based occasion again. That's ultimately a decision he can make but it isn't one he can make on your behalf as well.

Spottycarousel · 12/05/2023 08:12

He is controlling you. He sounds like a narcissist.

ThanksItHasPockets · 12/05/2023 08:12

If I ever need to demonstrate the extent to which women are socialised to accommodate men’s unreasonable behaviour I am going to direct them to this thread. I cannot believe the number of posters earnestly suggesting that OP foregoes onions / velvets chicken / prepares a delicately infused crème brûlée rather than her DH PUTTING A FUCKING DOOR ON THEIR KITCHEN.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 12/05/2023 08:14

ThanksItHasPockets · 12/05/2023 08:12

If I ever need to demonstrate the extent to which women are socialised to accommodate men’s unreasonable behaviour I am going to direct them to this thread. I cannot believe the number of posters earnestly suggesting that OP foregoes onions / velvets chicken / prepares a delicately infused crème brûlée rather than her DH PUTTING A FUCKING DOOR ON THEIR KITCHEN.

Right? Absolute madness.

CuriousMama · 12/05/2023 08:14

givemecoffeenow · 12/05/2023 02:13

Sounds like a form of coercive control to me. He knows he’s controlled you for the past 11 years and now he’s spitting out his dummy because you have finally stood up to him and haven’t obeyed his ridiculous rules…. And so you should stand up for yourself!

He is being completely selfish and unreasonable… And as for threatening to leave if you don’t bend to his will and trying to make you feel guilty. If that isn’t red flags for coercive control I don’t know what is.

He won’t leave. The threat is a manipulation technique. Mental health issues or not, you and your son deserve better than this.

This 100%

RampantIvy · 12/05/2023 08:15

"There's no point getting help there's nothing anyone can do, it is what it is."

"Your negativity about getting help is unreasonable. You don't know that it won't work unless you try it"

I consider it a betrayal

"I consider your absolute unreasonablesness and refusal to get help for your weird, and quite frankly childish, phobia a betrayal"

"Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

"Good, then I will be able to cook good, wholesome and nutritious meals for our son, and he won't grow up with such a dysfunctional attitude towards a normal household activity"
"I have pandered to your controlling actions around food for 11 years. We now have a son, and I don't want him growing up thinking that your way of existing is in any way normal"
"Stop trying to guilt trip me by playing the mental health card. This is getting old. Either get help or suck it up. This is not normal"

How on earth does he manage when he leaves the house? Does he ever go into a supermarket where there is often the smell of bread baking?

How often does he go to the office? How does he cope when colleagues eat their lunch at their desk?

DanceMonster · 12/05/2023 08:16

PollyPut · 12/05/2023 06:54

Whatever you do, do it slowly. I'd work on the basis that there are either emotional or physical triggers from the smells and minimise the smells/reactions as much as possible.

"Mince" was a dish in my grandparents generation. Some form of mince and onions. I had it once and it was horrible (to me). I wonder if he had to eat it as a child?

Don't cook with onions for now. It's not worth it. There is a reasonable chance your child might not like them anyway. Some people find them hard to digest. They can be added in later and really smell. You don't need them now.

Garlic - the garlic press really smells until it's been cleaned by hand and then hands smell - avoid it for now. I'd suggest frozen crushed garlic - you can get it in some supermarkets. Taj crushed garlic is cheap and good, and you can put it straught into the dish - although you might need to only use half a cube at a time if you don't want it strong.

Bolognese for example you can make with mince (choose the lowest fat content you can afford so 5% or 10%, not 20%). Fry the mince, and then add canned tomatoes (passata gives it a smooth texture which DC might prefer).

You can add frozen garlic for flavour directly to the pot, it shouldn't smell if you just put it in straight from the freezer instead of chop and crush it on the counter.

Grated carrots can be added - no smell. That's a simple start to a meal.

Portions can be frozen and then reheated in the microwave,

I did a stir fry dish recently and I don't think it smelled much, but then I didn't use much oil. Certainly the kitchen doesn't smell today. A trick is to pre-boil the chicken and then add it to the stir fry at the end. This means you are not frying the chicken for long - it tastes good and will minimise smells. Look up "velveting" chicken here - although if short for time I don't actual coat the chicken before I par-boil it. https://www.kikkoman.co.uk/inspiration/a-guide-to-the-velveting-technique/

Chinese dishes sometimes wilt vegetables in hot water before serving (e.g. pak choi). This is a no-fry veg dish you might not have considered. Also edamame/soya beans from freezer can just be soaked in hot water to warm up - no smell.

And you end up with a bland as fuck ‘bolognese’

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/05/2023 08:17

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 01:49

"Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

Um he thinks saying "Dad left because I cooked mince" will make you the bad guy? It will be him who needs to explain that logic to the kid.

this!

CuriousMama · 12/05/2023 08:18

This could be ripe for the DFail

ShinyShite · 12/05/2023 08:19

You can’t continue to live like this.

He’s behaving like an alcoholic who doesn’t see any problem with their drinking and refuses to acknowledge that it’s affecting other people. I think a bit of tough love is needed now. He needs a huge wake up call starting with you no longer indulging his smell free wishes.

If it’s an irrational phobia, which the fact that he didn’t notice the smell immediately upon entering the house strongly suggests it is, then he can easily be cured via a good hypnotist. One or two sessions will cure him but find someone with a good reputation. There are lots of average hypnotists just like lots of average hairdressers. I think it would be beneficial for you to do the research and find someone with an excellent reputation because if he goes to a crap one who doesn’t resolve it, he’ll say “ I told you so”.

You deserve a happy smell filled life!

Simplestateside · 12/05/2023 08:19

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/05/2023 07:49

Op hasn't been able to cook for 11 years, yet you are advising her to make an infused creme brulee, this must be the most middle class mumsnet comment Ive ever read.

I cook daily and wouldnt have a clue how to make an 'infused creme brulee'.

Reminds me of Gooseberry Cinnamon Yoghurt 😂

Show quote history

It sounds fancy but it's my go to desert because it's ridiculously easy to make, and was the least aggressive smelling food I could think of off the top of my head 😂

Megifer · 12/05/2023 08:20

Op hes a lying shitbag, if he delicate sense of smell was so heightened as he claims he would have smelled it the second he got home. It doesn't take a genius to work out when someone has been cooking so he had a poke around and worked it out. Sensory issues my fat arse.

I feel for you but mostly I feel for your poor DC this is an awful way for him to grow up. You know what you need to do, and I hope you do it, for your kids sake.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/05/2023 08:21

ThanksItHasPockets · 12/05/2023 08:12

If I ever need to demonstrate the extent to which women are socialised to accommodate men’s unreasonable behaviour I am going to direct them to this thread. I cannot believe the number of posters earnestly suggesting that OP foregoes onions / velvets chicken / prepares a delicately infused crème brûlée rather than her DH PUTTING A FUCKING DOOR ON THEIR KITCHEN.

Don’t know how anyone could argue with this?!

the patriarchy really has done a number on a lot of mumsnetters

OhmygodDont · 12/05/2023 08:28

Lol at his little temper tantrum.

Yeah ok bye then 👋. Daddy left because daddy didn’t want us to eat real food.

His an idiot if he thinks this would make you the bad guy, imagine having to live of oven ready meals or just pizza forever because oh no a stir fry smells or frying mince for a lasagne is badddd.

I’ve got a banging slow cooker lamb curry recipe smells lovely too 😂

Question though are you allowed to bake? Like cakes or even bread.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/05/2023 08:28

I assumed there was no door because it’s open plan 🤷‍♀️

If I were you OP I would relish telling people why he left. “He left because I cooked mince.” Everyone will say “what? What do you mean?” because it’s so utterly bonkers.

good luck op.