I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

@Bambambino1

Glad you got your cook on.

It’s possible your DH has ASD and major sensory issues. He could feel physically sick, have headaches and be unable to concentrate etc due to strong (for him) cooking smells. Which would indeed impact his mental health.

Everything you have done re. Timing of cooking, putting in a door, air fresheners etc etc sounds great.

But your DH does need some help. If he is against seeking medical help don’t worry, there is no need for tablets or doctors. Read around sensory issues with food and strategies to cope. There will be lots of things you can gradually do to improve the situation.

Even if he doesn’t have ASD, a lot of the advice/strategies can be useful to help people with food aversions manage.

Enjoy cooking lovely meals and hopefully a happier DH.

I've read all the comments and thank you for the support (perhaps not the ones telling me to grow a backbone, but certainly all of the ones offering genuine, helpful advice!)

Feeling pretty disheartened this evening. He didn't say anything at first when he walked in, so it clearly wasn't the overwhelming, heart-stopping smell he always claimed it would be. Took about 20 mins before he turned to me and said "did you fry something today?". Part of me wonders whether he actually smelt it or just inspected what food we had left in the fridge.

Anyways, the conversation went something like this:
"Have you been frying"
"Why?"
"I can smell it"
"Yes"
Very long pause whilst we stared at each other
"Frying is the worst thing you can do for smells"
"I appreciate you have issues and this is going to be really hard for you, but if you won't even consider help then it's not fair to continue demanding I mould my life and actions around you and your needs. You barely even smell it when you got in and you clearly haven't shut down. Things we cook in the oven smell worse than this and for longer"
"There's no point getting help there's nothing anyone can do, it is what it is."
"But I want to expose our son to proper cooking and to learn about nutrition in our house so he has a healthy relationship with food and goes out into the world not being a complete replica of his father. I want to make sure I get the nutrients I need and have a variety in my diet."
"Then we'll buy different oven meals. But I don't want frying and I don't want anyone cooking mince in this house. I consider it a betrayal."
"Well I want to cook mince"
"Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

End.

Now he's stomping around the house and we're ignoring each other.

Honestly if he turned around tonight and said "I'm sorry I know this is really hard and I'm asking a lot, I just can't stand the idea of anyone cooking mince in this house, can we talk about something else you could try?" I'd have done that and been fine. I'm happy to take baby steps, I just want to take steps. Telling me no one is allowed to cook mince in this house and that he considers it a betrayal made me feel like the past 11 years of me bending over backwards to accommodate his needs, to make him feel comfortable in his house has been completely unappreciated, and almost expected!

Wow. What a manchild. I’m assuming you’re going to stick to your guns on this one. You can tell him, No, you’re not going to say that. You’ll tell your child that his father refused to attempt to get help because he didn’t want to change his controlling ways and insisted on inflicting them on you two despite them affecting your health and well-being. You decided that it was in your child’s best interests to grow up with a healthy enjoyment of a variety of foods and a balanced, nutritious diet - as well as a happy, healthy mother who wasn’t modeling a controlled, submissive wife of previous centuries.

"Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

Um he thinks saying "Dad left because I cooked mince" will make you the bad guy? It will be him who needs to explain that logic to the kid.

Oh and by the way, OP…. Spaghetti Bolognese is dead easy to make and an absolute kid favourite. (Also fab for veggie smuggling and can be padded out with tinned lentils for added fibre). You and your kid can learn to cook that with lots of fried onions, garlic, mince AND Parmesan cheese. 👏👏👏

Sounds like a form of coercive control to me. He knows he’s controlled you for the past 11 years and now he’s spitting out his dummy because you have finally stood up to him and haven’t obeyed his ridiculous rules…. And so you should stand up for yourself!

He is being completely selfish and unreasonable… And as for threatening to leave if you don’t bend to his will and trying to make you feel guilty. If that isn’t red flags for coercive control I don’t know what is.

He won’t leave. The threat is a manipulation technique. Mental health issues or not, you and your son deserve better than this.

Man Baby.

And to put this into some perspective for you. I suffered some long covid symptoms and was very sensitive to smells for about 2 years. In that time most food and even coffee smelled like a sewer to me, and during this time I just learned to deal with it. At no point did it even occur to me to restrict my partners diet or ban foods that he likes from the house.
Because I know that would be completely selfish and unreasonable. And by exposing myself to the smells and flavours that at the time were completely repulsive to me. I eventually got my sense of smell back to normal.

Please don’t justify his controlling ways. Even if there is an issue with sensitivity to smells he shouldn’t be treating you in this way. He should at least be willing to compromise. If he isn’t, that says a lot about his character.

"Then we'll buy different oven meals. But I don't want frying and I don't want anyone cooking mince in this house. I consider it a betrayal."

Notice how instead of him making any sort of reasoned argument, he says "I don't want" as if that ends the matter. His "I don't want" is sufficient argument for the decision to be made - there is no negotiating of his wants vs your wants, his want is the only factor that needs to be considered. Under this reasoning, he is the decider of what happens in the house and you have to ask his permission. He did not give you permission therefore it's a betrayal.

Cooking normal food that you like and that you choose is a normal thing that normal people do that is part of living a normal life. You're not raising pet spiders here. You are being prevented from doing a normal thing and told it is a betrayal if you do a normal thing in your own home. Your own eating is being controlled. This is not good.

@Bambambino1

It's extraordinary that you've been putting up with your husband's selfishness for so many years. Thank goodness you are, hopefully, coming to the end of your tolerance of someone who won't do anything to get help but preferred to impose his will instead.

"Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

I hope he does move out - but wonder if he really will. I have to say, if he'd given me the above ultimatum my response would have been "OK".

Hold your nerve both for you and your son. 🌹

Thank you! I am imagining all the conversations:

"I left because your mother FRIED something! I feel so betrayed!"
"Daddy left because he was afraid I would cook mince, or make lasagna. He needs a stink free-life and life isn't stink-free.""
"My Mom and Dad split up because Dad didn't want Mom to cook. We had BBQ last night and it was really good! Food tastes GOOD!"

“What’s that, dear? Daddy said that you smell during access visits? He is a very strange, strange man, isn’t he, Darling? You smell perfectly fine to me. Pass the garlic bread please, darling…”

It is not a betrayal.

you have the right to cook in your own kitchen. Frying food is normal. Most of us do it several times a week and when our husbands get home, all they are interested in is eating the food.

there is definitely help out there for his problem.

threatening divorce, and talking about your son like that is manipulative.

you did nothing wrong.

Well done for holding your ground @Bambambino1 this is the hard stage, he's going to keep pushing and guilt tripping to get you to reverse. Wouldn't be surprised if suddenly he'll become v v ill...

I sympathize because i can and do have similar reactions to cooking smells in my home. However mine are triggers, the cooking smell triggers memories and it really is a physical response. I don’t insist no one cooks though. Good ventilation and it’s all ok.
He needs to get some support, his no cook zone is kinda controlling even if not intended to hurt you.

Sorry but you can't allow your son to be brought up in this. You have to cook and eat nutritional meals, as does your son.

The fact he said he wouldn't have had your son if it was his choice and then using that to control you for things you want to do is appalling. Coercive controlling behaviour.

He needs therapy. And if he won't seek help, he needs to leave.

I don't know how you've managed to live like this for so long!

this would be time for an ultimaton for me get help or get out. if you have/had kids you would need to cook for them and they make far worse smells!

Whatever you do, do it slowly. I'd work on the basis that there are either emotional or physical triggers from the smells and minimise the smells/reactions as much as possible.

"Mince" was a dish in my grandparents generation. Some form of mince and onions. I had it once and it was horrible (to me). I wonder if he had to eat it as a child?

Don't cook with onions for now. It's not worth it. There is a reasonable chance your child might not like them anyway. Some people find them hard to digest. They can be added in later and really smell. You don't need them now.

Garlic - the garlic press really smells until it's been cleaned by hand and then hands smell - avoid it for now. I'd suggest frozen crushed garlic - you can get it in some supermarkets. Taj crushed garlic is cheap and good, and you can put it straught into the dish - although you might need to only use half a cube at a time if you don't want it strong.

Bolognese for example you can make with mince (choose the lowest fat content you can afford so 5% or 10%, not 20%). Fry the mince, and then add canned tomatoes (passata gives it a smooth texture which DC might prefer).

You can add frozen garlic for flavour directly to the pot, it shouldn't smell if you just put it in straight from the freezer instead of chop and crush it on the counter.

Grated carrots can be added - no smell. That's a simple start to a meal.

Portions can be frozen and then reheated in the microwave,

I did a stir fry dish recently and I don't think it smelled much, but then I didn't use much oil. Certainly the kitchen doesn't smell today. A trick is to pre-boil the chicken and then add it to the stir fry at the end. This means you are not frying the chicken for long - it tastes good and will minimise smells. Look up "velveting" chicken here - although if short for time I don't actual coat the chicken before I par-boil it. https://www.kikkoman.co.uk/inspiration/a-guide-to-the-velveting-technique/

Chinese dishes sometimes wilt vegetables in hot water before serving (e.g. pak choi). This is a no-fry veg dish you might not have considered. Also edamame/soya beans from freezer can just be soaked in hot water to warm up - no smell.

Sorry @PollyPut completely disagree, , why should op pander to him doing all that given his behaviour towards her and their child?

No, @PollyPut. I'm sure your post is meant kindly but it all comes back down to OP pandering to him and his appalling coercion.

OP has had more practical suggestions on this thread to address cooking smells than her DH has ever considered in eleven years together. In her position I would present him with a practical list to put in place as she will be cooking NORMALLY from now on:

• a door on the kitchen (FFS)
• a powerful extractor fan
• splatter guards
• air filters
• cooks' candles

If he can't be arsed with any of that and he wants to leave over cooking mince, off he can fuck quite frankly.

That's ludicrous. Has he ever tried anything at all to treat it?

It's kind of egotistical to think he has some unique and terrible problem beyond medical science. There are plenty of non-pharmaceutical approaches to this kind of aversion, I'm sure.

He expects you to sacrifice a huge part of life and he's not prepared to try anything at all?

It really isn't that extraordinary. Coercive control often works like that. Restrictions to behaviours can come to seem normal.

He is disgraceful OP. Your poor child, having a father that would leave and blame you over bloody mince, like it's a totally justifiable reason. That and the other awful comments he has made about his child is appalling, he doesn't deserve to be a father.

Ive asked this numerous times and no one seems to want to answer. Why should op cook outdoors when she has a fully functioning kitchen in her home?