I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

It's not like it's going to kill him or anything to smell food?!

Ah but he claims he'll have a full nervous breakdown and be defecating on himself or something.

I hate how there are always little children being brought up in these ridiculous environments. He is a father now. What he wants isn't the priority any more. He needs to get over his shit. If he doesn't, then you need to take action for your child's sake. Stop enabling this.

He needs to get a grip and you need to grow a backbone. What a pushover you are OP.

He needs his own small flat somewhere I’d say

I can empathise with your husband but I do think it’s a bit too controlling. I also have issues with food smells so onions in the house makes me feel ill. Spicy food too. My husband (also of 11 years) is considerate and wouldn’t cook stuff if I was there and if he dies he opens windows sprays the airfreshers etc and that’s a compromise. But it is a ‘real’ thing about being unable to tolerate the smell. I also struggle to tolerate loud chewing or crunching. It sets my nerves on edge. It’s def a sensory thing.

if he dies he opens windows sprays the airfreshers etc

Awww, what a considerate corpse. Sounds like a keeper!

This made me laugh out loud. 😆But, you're right.

Could you have a separate garage type extension and set up a kitchen in there?

I can’t quite wrap my head around the idea that you have spent 11 years unable to basically fry an egg in your own house in case it upsets someone else. And you’ve just gone along with that, there’s been no compromise, you’ve just rolled over and accepted that this is your life now and might be your life forever?

Neither can I. I am totally baffled that you even married him and allowed him and his phobias walk all over you. He needs to move out (not to split up, but move out) so that you can provide a normal home life for your child. This is so dysfunctional that it is utterly ridiculous.

If he had been in my house I would have sent him out while I cooked and told him to suck it up.

Actually it wouldn't have come to that because after a couple of dates I would have realised that we were incompatible.

You can't change the past, but you can change what happens next. Get a door for your kitchen then start cooking. Tell him he must seek help for his issues, and you will cook meals whether he likes it or not. Time to get tough.

Could you have a separate garage type extension and set up a kitchen in there?

Put the husband in there instead.

Would it be worth cooking something very gentle smelling like an infused creme brulee and just very gradually building it up for there to gently expose him to more cooking smells. Might not work but worth a try?!

My late DH was a very fussy eater and it used to drive me crazy! So difficult if we were invited to friends for dinner as I had to ask what they intended to cook and often warn them DH wouldn’t eat that! The worst thing was that if his taste wasn’t catered for he’d get really stroppy, instead of just accepting that his food choices were very limiting and most people enjoyed a variety of food.
I think you should seriously nip your DH’s phobia in the bud now. I suffer from MH issues, one symptom of which was not wanting to eat (I lost 4 1/2 stone) and I still
struggle with food inasmuch as I can’t cook meals for myself. So I can understand your DH saying it’s his mental health suffering from
food smells but he really needs professional help asap. Sadly mental health is the NHS’s poor relation but hopefully you can persuade your DH to seek help.

Only if he's the one doing the cooking!

@Lolalady did your friends cater to his ridiculous demands?

So long as it’s not cod fillets you’ll be ok. We cooked them the other night and the house still smells. Never known fish to smell so much although we don’t often have cod, usually salmon. We’ve had the back door open for ages yesterday and today but as soon as you walk in the house from outside the smell hits you right in the nose!

I hate food smells too. I only microwave (keeps the smell in) or use an oven. I'd never fry anything.

There are some foods I would need to have a shower after or I'd feel dirty.

However, you've been with him 11 years knowing this. If it was a deal breaker you should've called it off pre-wedding.

It bothers me so much I bought a house rather than a flat. I couldn't stand the smell of some cooking in the communal hallways.

I agree @billy1966. I think this could come under being harmful to the child's safety it's a welfare issue., as Well as the mother, !

And this controlling fuckwhit husband of @Bambambino1 has a freakish sort of phobia. !

The day that he said he didnt want your child would have been the day I left him, OP.

If I was in your situation I would either live in separate houses or flats or just kick him fuck out of my life really...

He is not just worth the head work stuff you have to put up with a head case as this...

Same!

Well done @Bambambino1 , glad you enjoyed. Please keep cooking whenever you feel like making something.

It sounds like you did plenty of things to mitigate the supposed smell.

Please be careful with plug ins around your cat. They can't be nose level or near food, water or their litter tray and have to be in a ventilated area.

I think I'd have given in and cooked years ago in your situation but I get that's easier said than done when you have someone guilt tripping you!
I'd cook but put a bowl of baking powder or unbrewed coffee beans close by (if he can stand the smell of coffee 😆), put any strong food waste in a food caddy rather than the normal kitchen bin and empty as soon as prep is done and wipe down sink and work tops etc straight away.

Not the same situation, but I grew up with a fussy eater of a Dad and our meals as a result were pretty bland. I didn't try Chinese or Indian etc until I was 18 and that was out with mates. On holidays he lived off omelette and chips!! It's made me be a really adventurous cook/eater now and I have a son who will literally eat anything! You must savour every mouthful when you eat elsewhere 😆

for the main part they did or else I’d cook for j
him before we went out and he’d just dit round the table with everyone while we ate - he’d always eat dessert though!

Yes that's what I thought..work round it. So you can cook and he doesn't have to put up with the smells