I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

I don't have much to do with our neighbour (3 bed semi) except for when she comes over to complain about our food smells or the once a year ' Happy New Year and please do something about your food smells as they're ruining my life' message! Perhaps she has the same condition as your dh.
We are obviously not going to stop cooking- our kitchen is on the side of the house furthest from hers but we now cook with the back door open ( hot or cold weather), full cooker hood on ( new filters) and try and avoid her We don't cook anything especially smelly either. At least we don't have to live with her!!

I can't stand the smell of mince cooking either, I gag. So when DH cooking it, I shut the door, turn the on the extraction, open all the doors and windows if warm or just 1 if cold, and I leave and go as far away as I can. Because my children deserve to eat home cooked meals.

I'm very sensitive to smoke also, and other strong smells but it is my problem to deal with.
Your DH is a dick.

Someone may have already said this but get some air purifiers and fans. Set the fans to blow away from the cooking area and set the purifiers to catch the air from the fans. they may even have combo units that do the same thing.

Got a garden, OP? A couple I know had this problem - they built an extra kitchen in - what is essentially - a garden shed.

mmm what about agreeing with him that you won’t cook for now, leaving it a couple of weeks then when he’s out at work, with out telling him, cook yourself something nice and eat it there and then and clear away all evidence and air the place. You could even put something in the oven cooking for when he gets home. See if even notices the smell, having the oven on may mentally help him not notice any remaining smell (which I doubt there will be). If he doesn’t notice you have cooked, at least you can then cook in your own time as a starting point. :)

Cotton bud (or two) dollop of vaseline up both nostrils (high like a covid swab) and he won’t smell anything!
then he can work out if it’s the smell or “the act” that bothers him.

Your not being unreasonable, but instead of people slagging off your DH let’s think of ways around it. Camping stove or a gas bbq in the garden? Whilst it’s nice cook in the garden away from the house then maybe slowly move closer and closer keep the windows open? So the smell can go into the house and play it by ear maybe there will be foods that he can handle better, then gradually 🤞🏻 You can move into the house. Also what about smelly wax warmer plug ins like scentsy? Have them on so he can smell that rather than the food smells? Hope you can get it sorted you deserve to be able eat what you want but work with him! ❤️

I think after 11 years of “working with him”, it’s time he tried working with her, no?

I’d be telling him to sit in another room, I’ll open the doors and turn a fan on, but I’m cooking. If he doesn’t like it he can move out 🤣
but seriously sounds like OCD of some kind, he needs to go to therapy

There is no way I'd be banished to the far end of the garden to cook in the insect-filled, damp outdoors when I had a perfectly good kitchen in the house 😡

Send the one family member with issues to the nice cosy shed while the majority cook and eat in comfort, that seems fairer.

Oh dear: I couldn't stay with him. Sorry

Food is more important than any husband

Why on earth are posters STILL suggesting op facilitates this ridiculousness by cooking in the bloody garden or a shed?!!

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread.
I do think your dh is ND and it is a sensory issue rather than a mental health issue, it sounds like the food issue isn’t the only sensory issue he has? Yes sensory issues can be awful but he should seek help and should not control you the way he does due to his issues. I have been in a relationship with someone similar so I know how stubborn they can be, I think men on the spectrum find it harder to see that their behaviours are not normal. Being on the spectrum myself I know that some of my behaviours are crazy and that I can’t expect people to tip toe around me incase they trigger one of my sensory issues. He needs to realise that his behaviours are not normal and that you can’t just avoid cooking incase he can’t cope with the smells. He can open windows, he can sit outside when you’re cooking or he could wear a face mask with some nice smelling scent (lemon for example). He needs to learn to live with his issues and not make them everyone else’s issues.

Did he notice the smell OP?

As someone on the neurodivergent side, I would never expect to be accommodated like this and in return you lose any chance of cooking what you want in the kitchen. Stop pandering to him, if he’s got a problem then HE needs to do something about it, not expect your entire life to be changed for him.

If he can't cope with cooking smells,

I think he seriously needs to look at purchasing a 2nd World War gas type mask or

even a kink style Gimp mask weirdos wear in Dungeons
I can amagine they can brought from Internet or Adult only entertainment shop in back street or Side Alley....

that should go along way to helping him with his aversion to cooking smells ect.

Do you have children with this child? What are they supposed to eat?
He needs some kind of therapy, it's gone on too long
God help him if you were to fall for a foodie type or a chef and leave his ass in a cooking smell free home on his own
Not even if his arse was studded with diamonds would I put up with this and certainly not as long as this
Was his mother neurotic about such things?

Wow yet again total double standards, if it was a woman who had this issue and did all the cooking, you would be telling her to leave him, or telling him to put up with the cooking, this site is so anti-men.

@Manthide Your comment with (3 bed semi) in and the remark about New Year made me laugh out loud. I know it was said seriously but to me it was a tonic after a miserably wet day. Thanks. I think you have a wonderfully dry sense of humour.

It doesn't sound like menat health at all, if it was it would be in all circumstances. He doesn't mind in restaurants as it's not his house, so it's not a sensory issue. That definitely sounds more like a control issue. That would be a deal breaker for me not being free to do something as basic as cooking in my own home.

I can’t quite wrap my head around the idea that you have spent 11 years unable to basically fry an egg in your own house in case it upsets someone else. And you’ve just gone along with that, there’s been no compromise, you’ve just rolled over and accepted that this is your life now and might be your life forever? OP, grow a backbone, this is madness.

OCD?

He definitely has to get help. I don't think he can refuse to... On what basis could he!?

Does he come home and smell the air like the Giant in Jack and the Beanstalk and if he detects any smell in the air he gets all FE FI FO FUM about it?!

I get that he finds strong smells unpleasant, so can he not just breathe through his mouth once a week or something so you can cook or just ignore the smell? It's not like it's going to kill him or anything to smell food?! He'd just rather not and we all at times do things we'd rather not (to a certain degree) sometimes.

If he's exposed to it it'll help him get over it.

And it's your kitchen as much as his, you have a right to use it as you wish (within reason.)

If he's that close to a nervous breakdown that a bit of cooking smells will cause it (tho I think it's nonsense that he thinks this'll take him over the edge personally, I think he's just saying that to manipulate you) then he needs to get treatment for his incredibly fragile mental health, and keep trying different things until he's a lot better.

Your neighbour has an unusual name ;-P