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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't cook in my own home

808 replies

Bambambino1 · 10/05/2023 15:41

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

OP posts:
CabernetSauvignon · 11/05/2023 18:29

I've tried to push for him to go to the doctor so many times but he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone, and is convinced there's no "cure" so it's pointless. He thinks people would try and force medication on him and doesn't ever want to take medication. Doesn't want to learn coping strategies as doesn't think they'd work.

If he doesn't want to seek treatment, that's absolutely his choice. However, that means he doesn't get to impose his choice on you. Just as he can choose not to go for treatment, you can choose to cook what you want. If he doesn't like it, he'll have to take himself out into the garden or something.

If I were you, I'd be tempted to mess him around. Tell him you've been cooking when you haven't, and see if he claims to be able to smell it. Cook during the day without telling him, see whether he notices, and tell him a couple of days later that he's not as sensitive as he claims.

Stormyweathr · 11/05/2023 18:29

I can relate 100% to this if I dare even cook a piece of fish my OH would have a meltdown the only way I solved it was by buying a new house that had a separate kitchen to living area and containing the smell in the kitchen with a open window so I really feel your pain

willWillSmithsmith · 11/05/2023 18:30

If he’s not interested or willing to get help for this then my patience would have run out by now and I’d be cooking regardless of how he felt. That’s not because I’m thoughtless or uncaring but if someone won’t even try to get help then that’s where my support ends.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 11/05/2023 18:32

TheNamesTheThing · 11/05/2023 18:06

To give a slightly different perspective on this (which is not entirely relevant to the OP’s situation, but may help her see it in a different light):

My DH cooks one thing and one thing only. He will not attempt any other recipes and insists that this is the only thing he can cook. He would do it every single day, but ‘limits’ himself to about 4 times a week.

He stir fries a bunch of random stuff, including the three foods I hate most and that stink to high heaven individually. He fries it in horrendous amounts of oil and at too high a temperature so that it stinks even worse. We don’t have an extractor fan and he usually forgets to open a window (and opening a window isn’t very effective anyways).

Honestly, the thought of him cooking this dish makes me gag. And watching him eat this oily mountain of random junk (with hardly any fruit or veg) is the opposite of sexy. He leaves the greasy dishes around for me to deal with.

It’s genuinely awful and I dread him suggesting it, which happens just about every day.

Really needed to get that off my chest.

This is horrendous. You sound like you truly despise your husband.

willWillSmithsmith · 11/05/2023 18:35

Nearamir · 11/05/2023 18:00

When I was expecting dc2, I developed a serious aversion to certain food smells. I couldn’t stomach the smell of bread, pasta, vegetables, cheese and so many other things…… I used to actually, physically vomit from the smell. But I had dd1 to look after. So I had to cook and find a way to cope because I cared about her and her well-being.
To not try to find ways around his problem, op, makes me wonder if your dp cares about you or your ds. So while I’m delighted for you that you’ve finally had a decent meal and are looking for solutions….
He should be the one looking into getting a kitchen door fitted.
He should be the one seeking professional help.
He should be the one suggesting that he vacates the house for an afternoon if you’re willing to batch cook.
So please, just cook. As much and when you want. Force him to make a bloody effort. Lazy, entitled twat.

Oh god yes when I was pregnant all food smelt absolutely disgusting for the first three months but had it lasted permanently I would have known it was my problem and not impose restrictions on others. I’d have sought help or invested in a powerful extractor fan.

Stormyweathr · 11/05/2023 18:37

Oh I meant to say as well I have friends who hate the smell of fried food however they have a deep fat fryer that they set up on a small table in the garden woth the wire through the kitchen window 🤣🤣 it’s ludicrous to live like that!!, I have a air fryer and if you put it on the hob with the extraction fan on there is virtually no smell

Pennyfin81 · 11/05/2023 18:41

This isn't normal. If he has a mental health issue he should speak to a professional not just expect you to live with it.

ImKingAtLast · 11/05/2023 18:41

Does he mind the air freshners? Im just wondering if its about smells he doesnt like as opposed to smells having an effect on him. I get terrible headaches from strong or synthetic smells, even if I like the smell, I cannot smell it for very long before I start to get affected by it. If it is only smells that he considers to be not nice, and he is happy enough with air freshners or fabric softeners (which affect me badly) then I would say it is most likely a mh issue as you've guessed. Have you been frank about just how much it is affecting you?

Viviennemary · 11/05/2023 18:42

He obviously has a phobia about food smells. He could try hypnotherapy.

Goodread1 · 11/05/2023 18:44

Got no time for this kind of nonsense really

If it was me I would just cook whatever I liked and ditch the Twat...

Edda09 · 11/05/2023 18:46

I think maybe, having avoided smells, it then makes it stronger when there are smells? Bit like when there’s a sudden noise after silence? So it would probably be better to have a few smells to desensitise?
Or could you build an outdoor kitchen??

MavisMcMinty · 11/05/2023 18:46

@CabernetSauvignon If I were you, I'd be tempted to mess him around. Tell him you've been cooking when you haven't, and see if he claims to be able to smell it. Cook during the day without telling him, see whether he notices, and tell him a couple of days later that he's not as sensitive as he claims.

Heh, me too, it’ll be interesting if he notices @Bambambino1 has been cooking when when gets home.

neveradullmoment99 · 11/05/2023 18:47

Your husband needs to seek help.
That is a ridiculous thing to live with. YANBU

Shhhquirrel · 11/05/2023 18:51

Yes it is a ‘control thing’ OP, but you know that don’t you.

Madamum18 · 11/05/2023 18:52

He needs therapy!

wolfmom · 11/05/2023 18:56

I have heightened senses due to illness and my family will ask if I can face certain smells that day (I have better days where smells don't affect me as much) and most days I'll just say open windows and doors and clean up after yourself. I certainly wouldn't stop them having food they enjoy, I just ask them to warn me if it's particularly pungent so I can burn incense or have my wax burner at the ready.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/05/2023 19:03

Don’t see how anyone could think you are being unreasonable OP, I really don’t

ZoraMipha · 11/05/2023 19:08

Bambambino1 · 11/05/2023 09:39

You know when things have been going on for so long you just can't seem to see it in a normal way anymore?

We have a cat and when we argue about food (which is often at the moment), he tells me it's an absolute red line for him and he's made sacrifices for me, like having the cat?!! Or even having a child, he's thrown that in there. He'd say something like how if it was up to him he'd have opted not to have a child, but had one because he knew I wanted one. Which is a ridiculous argument. He says "I love DS deeply, but I did that for you." It's so ridiculous it leaves me speechless. That's not a reason to then not allow me to cook! But apparently, that's his sacrifice so I can make mine

This is very manipulative.

MustWeDoThis · 11/05/2023 19:12

Bambambino1 · 10/05/2023 15:41

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

Tell him to go and get help for his apparent OCD and potential sensory disorder, and then you will be willing to compromise with the cooking.

Tell him if he is not willing to get himself help, you cannot be held responsible for any episode he will potentially have when you cook in -your- kitchen.

His problems do not dictate your life.

Magicmama92 · 11/05/2023 19:13

I can't stand eggs or oily smells but we got an air fryer instead and I'm ok with that. For some reason eggs and oily foods make me feel so sick from pregnancy and it's never gone lolCertain smells do make me feel sick but I just open the windows and spray some air freshener. I have to admit eggs are banned unless I'm out then my other half makes sure he airs out the house and puts a candle on. I haven't banned cooking though I love cooking. I would say that you understand that it's not nice but you'd like to find a compromise. Burning wax tarts and air fresheners after cooking really do work aswell. If I were you cook when he's out just close doors so the smell doesn't go in the full house and open windows and back door. Pop on a candle or wax tart etc then afterwards clean the pans and plates and spray air freshener. I doubt hed smell anything.

Veryxonfused · 11/05/2023 19:32

The child comment.. you have far bigger issues than you think

FootieMama · 11/05/2023 19:32

Your health will deteriorate if you can cook fresh food at your own home. Tell him to sort this out. Or just start cooking and see what happens

Blanketpolicy · 11/05/2023 19:34

dh is sensitive to smells, but accepts it is his problem he needs to deal with. There are a couple of things he can't cope with such as grilling salmon, but he is fine if it is poached in the oven so a it minor inconvenience with only the smelliest of specific foods. Something common like onion or garlic he doesn't like but I won't compromise on them.

Most days he will say more than once, what's that smell? which is bloody irritating, and I'll reply with an eye roll and "go and find it and fix it because I can't smell anything" and he'll go and empty the bins (the bonus is I rarely have to empty bins!), clean something, take something out the fridge, say the smell is still there and give up.

If it got as bad as your dh and significantly impacting/restricting our lives I would insist on a Drs appointment. I think they say anxiety can increase your sense of smell, so worth asking if something like anti depressants or beta blockers could work?

Irritatedmum · 11/05/2023 19:35

Bet he never changed a nappy because it smelled too bad.

ICanFeelItComingInTheAirTonight · 11/05/2023 19:38

You are NBU, but, there are certain smell disorders that are similar in a way, to phobias:
Bromidrophobia,
Hyperosmia, and I've attached a screenshot of others.
I wish you both all the best, and hope you an both find a way through this 💐

I can't cook in my own home
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