I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

He needs to see a gp if he has some heightened sensitivity to smell.
If he won’t then that really is his problem.
He can’t expect you to sacrifice so much when he can’t be bothered to get help.
For now, close the door to the kitchen, open the windows and he can sit in the bedroom with the door closed and the windows open.
Do this all the time and maybe he’ll make effort and get help.

Whether he has a disability or not, his behaviour in not seeking help is definitely immature. Not letting her cook even while he’s out??

He needs to get therapy

Sounds like he doesn't have any diagnosis and is unwilling to try and adapt. Those with sensory sensitivities can learn to adapt so these issues are more manageable, however I don't understand this specific issue, sensory sensitivities don't usually vary dependent on location...

Simple solution — he builds a man she’d in the garden and lives in it. That way it can smell anyway he wants and you can cook what you want.
He needs to grow up. No one ever died because their house smelled of cooked food.

I need to ask... if this problem is not so much an issue outside of his home, was he OK with you cooking when you first moved in, ie before he had the associations with it being "his home"? If it was a problem from day 1 in a new home but isn't elsewhere then I'd lean towards it being a control issue rather than a sensitivity.

So if he had a problem with hearing you eat or breathe you'd stop? If he had a problem with other people laughing you'd never watch comedies?
You are definitely not unreasonable, he is, don't give a shit about his mental health he's using it to control you. And anyway what's it doing to your mental health?
Tell him you'll do as you please from now on and if he chooses to get help you'll support that.

I'm so curious as to what you're actually eating then? What do you eat?

When I was expecting dc2, I developed a serious aversion to certain food smells. I couldn’t stomach the smell of bread, pasta, vegetables, cheese and so many other things…… I used to actually, physically vomit from the smell. But I had dd1 to look after. So I had to cook and find a way to cope because I cared about her and her well-being.
To not try to find ways around his problem, op, makes me wonder if your dp cares about you or your ds. So while I’m delighted for you that you’ve finally had a decent meal and are looking for solutions….
He should be the one looking into getting a kitchen door fitted.
He should be the one seeking professional help.
He should be the one suggesting that he vacates the house for an afternoon if you’re willing to batch cook.
So please, just cook. As much and when you want. Force him to make a bloody effort. Lazy, entitled twat.

Honestly if hes fine with it elsewhere what's his problem at home?

I think he is being unreasonable - he needs to seek professional help.

He's an AH

To give a slightly different perspective on this (which is not entirely relevant to the OP’s situation, but may help her see it in a different light):

My DH cooks one thing and one thing only. He will not attempt any other recipes and insists that this is the only thing he can cook. He would do it every single day, but ‘limits’ himself to about 4 times a week.

He stir fries a bunch of random stuff, including the three foods I hate most and that stink to high heaven individually. He fries it in horrendous amounts of oil and at too high a temperature so that it stinks even worse. We don’t have an extractor fan and he usually forgets to open a window (and opening a window isn’t very effective anyways).

Honestly, the thought of him cooking this dish makes me gag. And watching him eat this oily mountain of random junk (with hardly any fruit or veg) is the opposite of sexy. He leaves the greasy dishes around for me to deal with.

It’s genuinely awful and I dread him suggesting it, which happens just about every day.

Really needed to get that off my chest.

11 years of this? He needs therapy. Was he like this growing up?

YANBU but I think it might be some sort of phobia he has, and he needs to get help for it. It might seem weird/controlling but must actually be quite horrible for him.

Well done you! Look after yourself, not the entitled person running your life.

Build him a Perspex cubicle somewhere outside, where he can retreat to safety when the home environment becomes intolerable to him. He can easily take a book to read until the "coast is clear." Sounds as though the less time he spends in the house, the better for everyone.

You first post is a cracker! You absolutely nailed it! Well done you.

Neurodivergent potentially also OCD.

😂

L.o.l. 🤣🤣😆What a total pathetic wimp of a man

Grow up attention seeking Man child !

Got no time for this kind of Person

He is seriously off scale head work @Bambambino1

He is a right pain in the Arse !

How can you even be even remotely accteacted to this weirdos freak. !

Just read your last two messages and I felt so sad for you not having the pleasure of cooking normal family meals for the past 11 years and your delight at finding that pleasure in the past few days.
Cooking IS all about the delightful smells coming from the kitchen. It's the heart of the home.
I was so glad to read that you cooked for yourself and enjoyed the experience, the aromas and taste.
You go girl.
I'm proud of you.
Your DH is exacerbating his issues to the point that he believes he is worse than he really is.
It has to stop and he must stop all the nonsense about letting you have a cat and baby, neither of which he originally wanted so now you have to let him stop you cooking normally.

That really is skewed thinking.
Enjoy more cooking. He will have to get used to it but don't argue. He can't say much if you won't answer back.

💯 this. Your in a partnership and he needs to take larger responsibility for his neuro divergence which sounds like this is. Im am too and thats my burden to take on.
But it smacks of control in some form. Especially as he is unwilling to come up with solutions to this problem and expects you to take all the responsibility for this and curb your life, but he won't do any of that for his life.
This is a ice berg in the water. Couples counselling or its time to say enough is enough, I'm no longer willing to have this restriction imposed on my life so much and you are unwilling to take this on and help shoulder the responsibility. A partnership is sharing these burdens not insisting you have all the restriction and i do not

He leaves the greasy dishes around for me to deal with
then stop dealing with them (keep a set of clean things hidden for your own use)

Ok, I don’t want to derail, but I have to know what this dish is!!! It sounds eerily similar to my dh’s “one” dish, although thankfully, it’s so rank, he doesn’t much like it either, so we only have it occasionally out of desperation!