I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

Sorry, but while he's obviously got some mental health issues going on here, that's still batshit behaviour. I'd be telling him to grow the f up, or move out.

This thread has made me really cross for you. I have MH issues that at times have been severe. Announcing that there are no viable options for treatment so he won't even try them while allowing everyone around you to suffer is totally unacceptable. If he'd tried and failed and needed persuading to try other meds / a different therapist I would have some sympathy. He doesn't try because he doesn't care - that's the bottom line.

This is ridiculous, he needs to seek help. I wouldn’t put up with this, he would need to leave the house when I cook, although seemingly you can’t even cook when he’s out all day? It really is way past a dislike of some cooking smells, I’m not keen on the smell bacon or oil leaves in the house which sticks to clothes but he is far worse than this.

He would hate my house, smoked haddock and smoked salmon fish pie this week and curry two days running. Currently baking a cheese and onion pie with extra strong mature cheddar and onions. It smells delish. My smelly clothes will go to wash tonight and the fan is on. That is a normal house I’d say and well worth the inconvenience of a few hours of cooking smells. —the fish pie did linger for two days—

I hate cooking smells too. I hate when my house smells like cooking. If I cook dinner, I always change my clothes and shower after because it lingers on my clothes, skin and hair. This is because of my migraines, it makes me incredibly sensitive to smells. Somethings that I do that help are:

Batch cook and then freeze so I can still have home cooked food, but it didn't make the house smell every night.

Clean and tidy away the food as soon as possible and keep the kitchen door closed while cooking and after.

Change clothes and shower after.

Burn a candle, can help to mask odors.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be very frustrating. I understand how hard it can be. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

I go periods where the very smell of food makes me want to throw up. It happened periodically for a number of years but was nothing to do with my mental health. I found out by accident that I had a sinus infection and every time it flared up my aversion to food smells reappeared. If it’s not physical, do you have a garage? You could consider putting a slow cooker or air fryer in it to keep the house free of smells. Does he react to scented candles?

I also just wanted to point out that I can smell the cooking smells sometimes up to two days after I've cooked food and it's incredibly off putting.

Why should op cook in her garage when she has a fully functioning kitchen in the house?

I feel so bad for you OP going through 11 years of putting up with this. He is being incredibly selfish. Just tell him you have nutrient deficiencies (I mean it’s not really a lie you probably do!) and it’s affecting your health not being able to eat proper food. Tell him you’re going to start cooking normally and you Will compromise by opening windows, and keeping the kitchen door shut to limit smells travelling through the house. But you have human basic needs that include needing to eat a healthy diet.

(A good way to neutralise kitchen smells is by microwaving a chopped lemon in a bowl of water, will make your kitchen smell lovely again, and do washing up straight away so smells don’t linger)

You don’t need to put up with this. Don’t let him control you. I actually think this is a form of abuse and he is being completely selfish. I could not live like this.

Even if you won't look after your own needs, you must put your child's first. This is a ridiculous situation and you should absolutely tell your husband to either get help from his GP, put up with the smell of food for the sake of you and your child, or leave.

Your other half needs help to get help!
The answer is compromise, but it seems he is so in his bubble that he cannot do that. I think you have done well to be patient for so long, but it now is crunch time. Your other half needs to show that he is trying, even if his trying is producing tiny results - this would at least be a start. If he is not at the stage to seek help from doctors/psychology etc, how about support groups. Are there support groups for people with his issues? He might see others like him finding relief at having sought doctor/psychology etc help. He might be able to see that others like him are trying to compromise for their partner's sake/ child's sake. He might gain ideas from others like him how to manage this condition to gain more of a normal life.
At the end of the day the most significant argument is about providing good role models for your son. Role models that include empathy and compromise from both parents. I am sure your partner must want to do his best to ensure his son has good role models.

Grow up and no longer have a disability? Great user name btw defines you perfectly.

This is a ridiculous situation and you should absolutely tell your husband to either get help from his GP, put up with the smell of food for the sake of you and your child, or leave

Yes, that's what you should say.
Those are the 3 possible options.
It is not an option for him to ban the cooking of food in the house. It's absolutely ludicrous. Why should his wife and child suffer so many restrictions on their diet because he won't get help or put up with the smell.
All these suggestions of cooking in the garage, in the garden, not cooking at certain times are not a solution to this.
He needs to solve his problem.
You can't go through life like that expecting others not to fucking cook.

Hello love, this is my first message and I don't know what I'm doing but I felt incensed enough to comment and 'break my cherry' as it were. Please tell me if I'm breaking any kinds of protocol you guys have in place.
All I was thinking was this sounds like a bit of a control issue? Forgive me if I'm completely off track here but I think there's a level of dominance which smells a bit iffy to me (pardon me if this sounds insensitive...) and although this behaviour has been ongoing throughout your relationship it seems totally unhealthy and unreasonable. What about when cooking for the kids/future kids? I really hope you're ok. Sending love...

What a ridiculous, unacceptable, unsustainable situation! It's no way to live. Your DH needs to face up to the fact that it's unsustainable for you and your child, seek professional help and be prepared to work on his issue - whether it's sensory, OCD, whatever.

Frankly, his refusal to do anything about it, instead expecting you to put up with this abnormal situation, is plain selfish. Mental health or not, he needs a wake-up call. Ultimatum time.

I don’t have time to read the whole thread .. but look up this condition -hyperosmia .

My husband has an issue with food smells and heard about this condition on the radio .. it struck a cord .

Im afraid I just crack on with cooking .. though my kids favourite - Pesto - is apparently the devils spawn . He opens doors and windows and clears the smell through . I wouldn’t not cook though and I think that’s where you are going wrong - your 2 year old deserves to have normal behaviour around food and your husbands issue is his own to deal with …

What disability?

You don’t know he has a disability - none of us do. The armchair doctors of this thread have diagnosed him with everything from autism to sensory processing disorder to OCD to psychopathy but he doesn’t have a diagnosis IRL.

And I agree with @Dapps - it sounds like there is a control issue here. His refusal to seek help suggests that.

Congratulations on the stir fry @Bambambino1

Ahhhh OP this is so frustrating. You are making light of it in some of your posts but it’s 100% not funny. It’s affecting your health and he doesn’t give a shit. If he won’t seek help then maybe you need to break up with him. I’m deadly serious. 11 years?? I’m even a little sympathetic to his plight, as I had really bad food smell aversion while pregnant. But his behaviour is unacceptable in not trying to fix it.

Let us know if your DH notices you cooked.

The fact that he can miraculously cope in some restaurants is a huge red flag too. Control issue for sure.

Also, not getting a dog is not compromising your health. Not being able to cook healthy meals is definitely compromising your physical and mental health. I really hope you can either get out or make him see sense 😔

Definitely sounds like he may have some sensory processing issues. He doesn't sound like he is working with you though to come to a reasonable solution. For example I cannot stand strong ame

I can believe the sensory overload would be too much for him. But there also needs to be some kind of solution so that you can both get what you need.

Does he never leave the house? Maybe you can Do some batch cooking when he's not there and air the house out before his return?

Are there any inoffensive smells? Like rice and pasta cooking and potatoes aren't very smell? How would he take that?