I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

@Bambambino1 A warning on the plug in air fresheners - some of them contain chemicals that can trigger migraine or allergic reactions. I know people who can't be around them. They might actually make things worse - if he physically reacts to those, but thinks he is reacting to the food then it won't help. I'd unplug them for now

If you have a garden, make an outside kitchen

Why should op cook outside when she has a fully functioning kitchen in her home?

That would be a complete deal breaker for me, sorry. No idea how you've accepted it for 11 years. I'm afraid I'd start cooking what you want now, and tell him that if he can't cope with it he'll have to move out.
You say that it isn't a control issue - but he IS controlling you. Only eating the same dish almost all the time, and no veg on the side? Because HE chooses to live that way? I understand that he clearly suffers from a serious mental illness, but why should that control your life too? Especially if he won't seek help?

It must be an awful and stressful situation for you both.

this might not be possible (and I may sound a bit nuts with this suggestion) however, I wfh and usually cook tea in the slow cooker. I was finding that the smell of the food slow cooking made me hungry and so I ate too much during the day. Now what I do is prep the food in the kitchen but put the slow cooker on in the shed ……. It might be a good middle ground ?

I'm sorry but he's being ridiculous. My DH is also extremely sensitive to cooking smells but we keep the kitchen door shut when cooking, put on the extractor fan and open the back door and windows. That really helps. It's insane to stop you cooking completely. You'll end up being very malnourished (and living a miserable life of eating only pizza).

I couldn't be with someone who spoke about our child the way your husband has done, saying he only had him for you as if you owe him forever. He's vile.

He'd say something like how if it was up to him he'd have opted not to have a child, but had one because he knew I wanted one. Which is a ridiculous argument. He says "I love DS deeply, but I did that for you."

😧😱😳

I’m trying to figure out how to phrase this gently, op.

Taking into consideration the smells and alarm bells in your posts, I have to say that I think you are living with an

UTTER PSYCHO.

MH doesn't mean you can't be an arsehole and he's clearly making much more of this issue to control you, than is really there. And he won't consider addressing it for the person he should care about most.

Keep cooking, get rid of the waste....

I would not put up with this XXXX for 5 minutes, let alone years

I would live separately

I would end the relationship

Life is too short to be miserable

I can't believe posters are advocating @Bambambino1 cooks outside or in the shed to pacify this shitty excuse of a manbaby! Op keep cooking for you and dc as you should in the room designated for this. D H can cook for himself outside if he wants.

Totally. Or he can go upstairs while she's cooking, or go to the shops or for a drive, or to the shops. Limiting his family's diet is flat out ridiculous, especially when he's doing nothing to mitigate his issues.

honestly OP if he won't get help start cooking in the home. beach he is unwilling to meet you even half way.

at this point he is bullying you

Your DH sounds like he has had many different issues and they give him some anxiety, but it is so ingrained now that they have been exacerbated to severe anxiety inducing proportions. I think it's fair to say that over the last 11 years, his first thought had been his foibles and idiosyncrasies, but now it's become impossible to live with, you're realising it's crunch time to start getting back your life and enjoying good food properly.

Counselling for your DH and continuing to cook normally will help your DC to see the proper functioning family life he should be in, and more used to eating as a result. It's good that he is young enough to ensure that this won't hopefully have a lasting impact on his relationship with food (unlike your DH).

It's awful to not be able to eat what you want in your own home, and I'm so pleased that you have made steps to implement possible positive changes. Go, OP. Enjoy a new foodie loving life 😋 ❤

My ex was like this - HATED the STENCH of perfectly normal, delicious-smelling cooking - I never fried much anyway. He would not allow the door between the kitchen & the rest of the house to be open.

He would not allow a through-draft of air from kitchen into the rest of the house I used to open every window while he was out

I was basically shut in there every day cooking - he'd come in, eat & leave the room.

EX now, notice, making his own bloody cooking smells.

I think he's autistic, TBH - was also very intolerant of certain noises, light levels etc.

Well done on cooking today. Having read your thread, as a parent of a child with sensory issues specifically relating to smell & sight of food I do understand that it must be very hard for your DH. However, he is an adult and must learn coping skills. He cannot control your life so ridgidly, whilst he may not wish to eat your cooked meals, he cannot prevent you from doing so.

A compromise could be you cooking at lunch to begin with so that he can gradually build up a tolerance to smells as by evening smell will dissipate. You could also batch cook meals for you & DS which then need to be reheated in the oven, so no full on smells to start with - DH would have to agreed to leave the house for an afternoon to allow you time to do this or if you have time off in the week you could do it on one of his work days. And then build on it from there.

i have complete sympathy for you, DH must learn to compromise and build up tolerance.

You basically just described what autism in adults can look like 🤷‍♀️ and speaking from experience, yes, sensory overload is killer. Mentally and physically.

How do you manage @Bunnybeeee? Do you expect your partner and child to have restricted lives so everything is how you want it to be?

Why are you letting him te

She also basically described what controlling, selfish arsehole behaviour in adults looks like. Autism gets thrown about on here so easily its as if people can not just be fucking arseholes without someone else excusing their behaviour and shouting autism.

If he can’t live with normal household things, he needs to live alone.

Personally I think you need to sit down with him and explain that this isn't normal or healthy behaviour and if he is this triggered then it's important that he takes steps to address it himself. He needs to book a gp appointment, rule out underlying causes and potentially get counselling to overcome it. It simply isn't fair that he expects the rest of the household to bend to his preference constantly. Stand up for yourself op. If he won't take the above steps then simply start cooking what you want when you want and when he kicks up a fuss tell him his behaviour is unreasonable, if its so unbearable then do something about it, take responsibility for it and find something that works that doesn't impact on you then just carry on.

This is it isn’t it? I mean most people would see their child as a blessing.

Then he go and live somewhere and live on cheese sandwiches or something.

It definitely sounds like your husband has some sensory issues around smells, and while you can be supportive, and make reasonable accommodations, you can’t be expected to live under conditions that limit the ability for you and your son to live comfortably.

You have the right to cook healthy and nutritious meals for yourself, and your son.

Your husband is an adult, and has to take responsibility for his own issues around smells. If he isn’t willing to seek professional help, you need to find a compromise that works for you both.

You could do what you’ve done today, and cook during the daytime, when he is at work. Or you could agree a set time for him to go out, so you can cook in peace. It might be a good idea to do this at a time where he could take your son out for some quality time together, and you could meal prep a few options for the week, these could then be frozen or kept in the fridge to be reheated for consumption.

It is vital that your son sees normal behaviour around mealtimes and smells, to allow him to form a healthy relationship with both.

Your husband should also try gradually exposing himself to different stages of cooking, I know you mentioned that pasta is okay, maybe try cooking potatoes, or roasting vegetables (especially smelly ones like broccoli) rather than boiling, they taste better that way too.

Autism isn't a free pass to behave like a selfish, controlling arsehole.
If sharing a home with someone creates too much overload maybe he should never have got married.