I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

Well done dear girl, really well done!!

Good

https://www.allrecipes.com/article/how-to-get-rid-of-cooking-smells/

https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/how-to-get-rid-of-cooking-smells-36607477

Splatter screens are a new one on me - but bicarb does absorb smells in fabrics and a PP mentioned the boiling lemons tip.

I do share your frustration in being limited in cooking- I'm cooking for 5 and two are very fussy and other two have odd dislike it does place limits - I'd love to do more stir frys quick simple and I find an easier way to eat more veg and two of the kids just won't eat them. Difference is I can see an end to it - they can increasingly cook themselves and won't be here forever - and do occasionally just cook for three that do eat them,

Think how happy you feel having some tasty food that's different to your usual stuff today OP and remember that that happiness around food, flavours etc is something that your child is being denied as long as their dad refuses to seek help for this and continues to unilaterally dictate what food can be made and therefore consumed in the house.

Try to let that fuel you being determined not to just give in to him wanting to maintain the status quo despite it not being best for your child.

He deserves to grow up with a healthy relationship with, curiosity about and enjoyment of food.

How does he feel about the cat food? Because that really stinks...

Haha. I think the meal is a positive step though and yep, door is a no brainer in this situation.

I wondered this because sometime it really does stink- but I suppose the cat might be fed outside.

Out door cooking! Loads of people cook outdoors year round. Bbq, pizza ovens, Kamodo Grill. Loads of possibilities.
I have this to an extent as my husband doesn't like the smell of fish or pork. Fried stuff is also a no no, so when we bbq I always throw the stuff he doesn’t like on.

Why should op resort to cooking outdoors when she has a fully functioning kitchen?

This is totally what I think, and how I would be if it happened to me.

Do you have children? This is going to give them huge food issues. If you don't have them yet (and want them) you need to address this with him before you have them

Totally, totally, TOTALLY this.

OP, just to say that any mental health issue for which he refuses to seek help even though it causes you extreme distress, is, at best, selfish, and at worst, abusive behaviour. He sounds like he might have a form of Sensory Processing Disorder. I probably have one, DS Definitely has one (diagnosed) and I am here to tell you that you absolutely can learn coping mechanisms.

Most of us compromise to some extent - I cook very little fish largely becuase I cannot stand the smell lingering, even though I love fish. And I find ways to cook it that doesn't smell as strongly. But a) if DH really wanted more fish we'd make a plan (admittedly - I did buy a gas BBQ last year with the specific intention of using it to grill fish.... we haven't even plugged in the gas canister yet. THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR) and b) it's JUST fried fish I have this issue with.

They’re expensive but if you could afford it (2nd hand bargains to be had), could fit it in, and do want him around, maybe look into getting an aga or Rayburn. Nearly all the cooking is done in the ovens, including things you would normally do on the top and there’s next to no smells. So much so that aga owners often forget about something cooking and come back to it cremated.

@Bambambino1 I could have written your post! I haven't RTWT but my DH is equally bothered by cooking smells he sulks like a toddler when I start cooking. Putting on the extractor fan on high and flinging opens all the windows. He will remove any fabric from the area. He will even do this when I cook plain pasta in water!
He was call all my food stinky or disgusting and the kids started to pick up on this. I lost my shit at him and told him he was acting like a child and to grow up, to stop being childish and calling my food horrid names.
It has been better but he is still super sensitive to smells. Like if the washing is in the washer for more than 30mins after it finishes he will wash again as he says it will stink!
He has other foibles too and I do have to tell him he's being ridiculous on a regular basis. I've always thought he has neurodiverse traits and have bought it up on occasion but he will not hear of it so we keep repeating the same arguments it's exhausting!!!

Your h is a man baby. No one likes lingering cooking smells, is that all he has to worry about. Open the windows and use extractor fan and get over yourself, Man Baby.

I could not live like that, I’d reach a breaking point and batter him over the head with a frying pan. (Wouldn’t really, obviously!) I’d also end the relationship because I wouldn’t be able to live another 10 years eating oven food.

And I say that as someone who is extremely sensitive to smells of all kinds.

Man Baby!

At least it'll be easy to get him out of the house if you do want to end the relationship .... he has a massive weak point which would be easy to exploit👀

Ha ha! Excellent.

Congratulations! I hope you enjoyed your stir fry.

I hate my house smelling off food but I don't avoid cooking, my backdoor is in my kitchen so I open that whenever am cooking make sure kitchen door is closed smell us never lingering then.

That poor child.

A father who would say the above, and a mother that could bear to look at him afterwards.

He is one horrible selfish twat.

That poor child.

well good for you-but what he said about having ds for you is disgusting-i coulnt get over that

I think it is fairly manipulative of him to frame having your child as something he did for you that justifies controlling all of your food. Again, he seems to have some distortions in his thinking. Even if you do not buy in to all the distortions, trying to negotiate marital compromises with someone who thinks in this distorted way, sounds very difficult.

Red line: Calling your cooking normal food "a red line" is so strange... I don't know, I mean it's so odd that it's sorta hard to conceptualize it, even. It's as if it somehow labels YOUR behavior as sinister if you do normal things.

I just have a hard time working my mind around this control and the fact that you've tolerated it for years, and the fact that you have even thought yourself unreasonable for wanting something different.

But I'm happy you've made a stir fry. Hopefully it will be the beginning of a change to a more normal lifestyle where you are able to cook and eat tasty food.

Do let us know how he reacts, since you've crossed his "red line."